Are you up to the test!?

Just watched some show about Gail Porter.

Loads of blokes are shit scared of being bald, combing over bald patches, buyings wigs and all that bollocks. Now I've got quite longish hair at the mo but I certainly wouldn't mind being bald, I've had a shaved head before today and I fucking loved the zero fucking about that came with it.

If I was bald though I think I'd wear a giant afro wig at all times.

Isn't it weird though how many bad guys are bald?

* Lex Luthor, fucking awesome bloke but nil hair
* Blofeld, Bonds arch nemesis has zero hair, unless you count his cat
* Skeletor, zero hair anywhere
* The Master from Buffy, supposedly the greatest vampire but again a cueball
* Yul Brynner in Westworld, evil bald cowboy robot
* The shark from Jaws, technically bald (struggeling to think of any more bald badies)
* Ming the merciless! Another crome dome
* The Kingpin, the great criminal genius from Marvel comics is another hairless wonder

Any more you can think of? I bet there's loads.

Edit

Jesus! Just thought of a cracking one. What about Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!? That fucker didn't even have a head!

I saw a poster for Poseidon* on the side of a bus the other day. Im not moaning about remakes as I've done that before, what I want to moan about is one specific of the poster. It quite clearly said 'From the makers of 'The Perfect Storm and Troy', and I couldn't help but think 'Who give a shit?'.

Now I've not seen Troy but people have told me it's average at best and I've seen The Perfect Storm and while it's not bad it didn't rock my world (that might be partially due to the fact the pinnacle moment of the film was on the front of the DVD box).

Now im put off Poseidon to start with but that 'From the makers of...' just puts me off even more. I'd be more interested if it said 'Made by a bunch of unknown film makers who show a lot of promise', at least you wouldn't know what to expect.

That 'From the makers...' doesn't really mean anything, all it's saying is that the movie was made by people who've made Hollywood films before, errr, okay, I figured some of the people making this would have done so anyway. I dunno, not a major annoyance but something that struck me as dodgy, kinda suggests the film is shit.

* I do like that the word Poseidon is upside down, I saw a chav nearly break his neck trying to read it the other day.

* So David Beckham is writing his third auto biography, fucking hell, all the weird shite in his life he should label it fiction. Now I've not read his books and they might be good but I just can't believe they are. I reckon it probably reads along the lines of -
I used to love kicking me ball against a fence, some lads said 'Corr Dave, you could be dead famous one day' and you know what? I was.

* While im on the whole pointless book theme, who the fuck would buy Jade Goodys book? Now I know that book burning is usually a bad thing but I could make an exception on this one. She did a book signing not too long ago near where I live and she had to stop because she forgot what her own signature was. I fucking kid you not.

* My faith in humanity has been somewhat restored due to the fact that Paris Hilton has launched a music career and no one seems to give a shit or have even noticed. Fuck you Hilton, you suck. Well, we all knew that anyway, there's the video evidence to prove it.

* Has anyone seen the latest badly thought idea to rumble out of the houses of parliament? People who live together could have the same rights as a married couple. Now just fucking hold your horses. I might not want the person im living with to own half my fucking stuff, you know what im saying? Also, how the fuck would green cards work under this idea? If someones visa runs out could they just phone the home office (I don't know who the fuck they'd ring) and say 'About the visa thing, well, im shacked up with someone, so no need to go booting me out of the country'? The whole thing is just a no go.

* I was recently invited to a Bryan Adams concert of all things. I declined the offer but then what wakes me up this morning on the old radio alarm clock? Yeah, you guessed it, the Canadian music man himself. Coincidence? Almost definitely. A bit odd? Only in my mind.

* Was looking through what's on at the cinema with the girlfriend the other day, slim pickings it seemed to me but I was amazed upon reading the description for Curious George - 'The adventures of a curious monkey'. I don't know about you but that sounds to me like the best idea for a movie ever. I actually got quite giddy about going to see it but the girlfriend was just shaking her head looking appalled.

* I'd love to own a monkey.

Christ almighty, what the fucks going on with knives? I seriously can't get over these figures. Why do kids need knives? Im a twenty odd year old bloke working in a city, I don't need a knife. What does a kid need one for?

I keep seeing stuff about this knife amnesty that is going on at the moment. Have you seen the weapons that are being handed in? It's not just stuff like flick knives or pen knives it's big fucking death bringers. Fucking Lord of the Rings type weaponry, battle axes and fuck off broad swords. Who the fuck has that type of shit lying about at home? I know there are those catalogues where you can buy the stuff but I didn't think anyone really did.

In my day you didn't bring knives to school. Jesus, you could get in trouble for carrying round a hard boiled conker (no shit). When I was a lad it was Street Fighter 2 stickers (the most desired being those shiny ones) and then later on Tazos. Sure bullying happened, I myself was picked on but I never thought 'Fuck it, tomorrow I bring in a knife', it just didn't happen.

So yeah, if you've got a fucking halberd at home, hand it in yeah? You've got till the thirtieth of June but the sooner the better.

Some prankster has put 'dog shit' as an ingredient on packets of ham. Some people are pissed off, the felonious labeler has lost his job and has been arrested. It made me laugh, I think some people should get themselves a sense of humour. For more info click here.

* Panda was a guest writer here at AYUTTT many moons ago, he contacted me yesterday asking if he could have another rant, I was more than happy to oblige (less work for me).*

Alright.

Im fucking seething. People keep giving me shit about getting married. 'Oh, when are you going to get married?', 'When are you going to make an honest woman of so-and-so?'. Fuck off. Just fuck right off, it's none of your business.

For the record, I've been married, done the divorce thing and am now pretty much fancy free. I don't want to get married again. I've been with my current girlfriend for a while true but I don't see the point of getting married. I just don't. I don't want to have kids, she doesn't want to have kids, there's no real financial benefit, it's just something I'll have pay for and someone else that will be dependent on me. And they will be dependent on me, I've no fucking doubt about that.

Now what really annoys me about all this is a bloke who we'll call EW. Now EW is right cunt in my opinion. Oh, he's a ladies man all right, women fall over themselves for him but as a bloke he's scum in my eyes.

Now EW is getting married, yet again, and of course everyone's giving it 'Look at EW. That's love that is', or 'Why aren't you like EW?'. I don't measure my life against that prick. Right, get this. He met this woman yeah, good looking, big house, plenty of money and a big car. She got it all from some divorce she had with a banker or something. Anyways, he has fuck all and lives in the back room of his mums house. After knowing this woman 6 weeks yeah, he proposes to her, gone off to Iraq for 5 months, just come back and they're getting married in a week. Is that love? You can't know someone after six weeks, you just can't. Where does he lose in this scenario? Moving into a fucking mansion and having plenty of money. I haven't even met this woman and im tempted to marry her and I don't want to get married.

EW has had three marriages in the past, all ending in divorce because the mans a serial adulterer. He's got six kids between the three women, he sees two of the kids and the other four he has totally disowned. He also has a bastard kid which almost no one knows about, this kid he does see from time to time but the kid doesn't know he's his dad. Nice eh?

So now EW has shacked up with this woman and her two daughters. The wife has decided she wants a kid with EW. A kid that's theirs? Why do people do that? When people who already have kids get together they decide to have one between them. I see it all the time. Blokes I work with who are pushing 50 having a new kid. Why? At that age your parenting of little kids should be behind you.

Anyway, people are only going and kissing EWs arse for having another baby! While I still get shit like 'Oh EW, what a bloke, don't you think Panda? Don't you think he's setting a good example?'. No, I fucking don't. What about the half dozen kids he's got already? Egh! It makes my blood boil.

Having a kid when you've got plenty you don't see and don't give shit about already is the lowest of the fucking low.

Panda.

Oh, went to a right gig the other night, saw the Arrogant Worms right here in my very own city. You all know the worms im sure. Well, on the off chance you don't they're a Canadian (don't hold that against them) trio who are funny as fuck and pretty fucking massive in their native land. They've played to fucking huge arenas and have recorded 11 albums to date. So, imagine my surprise when the played a tiny pub just ten minutes walk from here.

It was the type of gig you dream about. Small room, a few people, no dick heads and very close to the stage. Hell, before the gig started the band were sat a few tables away.

The set was solid, they played plenty of their old favourites and a few tracks from the new album. They were more than happy to take requests. At the interval I was talking to one of the guys in the band and suggested they should play a certain tune. When they come back from the interval, what d'ya know? They went and played the tune, actually altering their planned set list! Not enough gigs have that level of participation.

At the interval, the question was put to the band 'how come you don't play Montreal?' and it turns out that there not particularly liked by Quebec, or the French for that matter. I understand they have a different type of humour. So much are they disliked that they have been rejected from the Just For Laughs event for the last ten years. One member of the band gave someone an autograph with the inscription 'Just for laughs hate us'.

I asked one of the band if they liked Trailer Park Boys and it turns out they love it! Apparently Randy and Mr.Lahey are going to be at an event not too far from where he lives. Awesome.

In conclusion the Arrogant Worms rock, I had a great time, got myself a signed album and recommend you check these guys out.

Arrogant Worms website - http://www.arrogant-worms.com/
Arrogant Worms blog - http://arrogantworms.blogspot.com/

... you're actually grateful that the shite that is booming through the connecting wall is actually a decent song. My neighbours are *sigh* DJs, which means they play shite at all hours, obviously they've never heard of head phones.

On a tangent, what has happened to head phones? Im seeing more and more fuckwits wandering about just playing music in public, how hard would it be to stick some headphones in your lug holes? I mean, if I was listening to the shite that these people are I'd want to keep it on the down-low. I actually confronted this lass yesterday, fucking booming some 8-bit piece of shit from her mobile, I asked her to turn it down and her response was 'Why?', fucking poorly raised piece of shit she was. I tried to explain she wasn't in her bedroom anymore so she could no longer subject people to her shit but she just looked on vacantly.

So yeah, my neighbours are dickheads. I'll probably have to go round and have a word in a bit, I did a few weeks ago and these two articles nearly shat themselves just on the fact that someone was on their doorstep. Quiet as lambs for a while but obviously they've got short memories, probably due to listening to the same bass line 24 fucking 7.

In case you're wondering what the decent song is, it's House of the Rising Sun by the Animals. They haven't discovered the Animals though, they just play House over and fucking over, singing along to it (fucking the words up while they do it). Christ, they're muppets.

Have you seen it? With that fucking genie? It's fucking hideous. It's looks like some kind of retarded relation to the genie from Aladdin. I imagine that it's the product of a sordid night between a chav genie and that annoying frog thing.

Who gives you extra? Oh, fuck off Halifax.

Well, continuing on with plugging the gaps in the 100 films list from earlier in the month I sat and watched Rashomon the other day. I was going to comment on it earlier but truth be told I wasn't sure what to put down, actually im still not sure but I'll give it a go.

This isn't my first Kurosawa film, I remember watching Seven Samurai years ago and being blown away by it, inspired I watched another shortly thereafter, that being Ran, again I was incredibly impressed but for some reason I didn't continue on to another of his films. As lame as it sounds life must have got in the way.

Watching Rashomon really makes me regret the large gap in Kurosawa viewing and im definitely going to try and view his other films in the near future.

Rashomon in itself is almost indescribable, it's not some epic, you could almost call it underwhelming, it isn't really easy to say what it's about. Im not going to give a blow by blow account as from a quick look about the net it's already been done a huge number of times. On imdb there are at least 10 pages of reviews for the film.

I will tell you what I think the film is about though. I think it's about how people deal with something awful, how we explain it to ourselves and how we explain it to others.

It's a fantastic/amazing film. Simple idea, amazing execution, unbelievably thought provoking. Watch it.

Right, annoyed as per usual, hoping you can clear something up for me. I was mucking about with Blog Mad earlier out of boredom, decided to spend some of my credits on playing a game of hangman as im usually quite good at hangman. So I click to play, the spaces come up and a little counter with how many tries I've got but something's missing. Im clueless, no, I don't mean im fucking stuck, I mean there is no clue whatsoever.

Now back me up on this, when playing hangman you do get a clue don't you? Like - a phrase, an article of clothing, a band etc... ? Well according to people who frequent the chat box on Blog Mad you don't. Now im not having a go at them but they have to be wrong. Their reaction to my annoyance of being sans clue was to say - 'Well you don't get a clue in hangman. Obviously', im sure there was some rolling of eyes. There was even the suggestion that I was getting confused with Wheel of Fortune.

Every game of Hangman I've ever played in my life has involved a clue, please tell me this is true, otherwise im afraid this is going to turn out like the end of that film 'a beautiful mind' and it'll turn out every hangman game I've ever had has just been in my mind. Im not 100% sure if that was the end to that film, I kind of nodded off at the 40 minute mark but im fairly sure it was something along those lines.

Now I know loads of other people have talked about the Beatle and the one legged bird but I just want to talk about another aspect of it. How come old hop along is getting something like 200 million quid?

I've never grasped that thing of, if a woman marries a really fucking rich bloke, who looks after her, buys her nice things, gives her a nice place to live etc... she is entitled to fucking millions when they divorce? Why exactly? I can understand maybe a million (which is still a fucking liberty) so you can look after yourself and whatever but more than that is just fucking greed.

It's not like she'd need all that extra money, or she in someone way earned it, like Chris Rock says - even if you're the best shag in the world that only entitles you to a few grand. And there's nothing stopping her getting a job. It's mental, blokes should exploit this more, that tramp guy who kicks about with the Spears could divorce her and go on a 20 year holiday.

It might just be because im such a tight bastard but if I was Paul I'd spend about 150 quid to get some lads in a van to run her over. Everyone's a winner, well apart from her obviously but she should have realised what a good thing she had going.

Flicking through the crap on Sky tv this morning and heard some tosser say the following - 'Well, somewhat no and somewhat yes'. I fucking hate that, what the fuck does it even mean?

The rule on sayings is quite simple, if it wouldn't hold up in court then it isn't suitable for everyday conversation.

Solicitor type - Did you kill that man?
Dickhead - Well, somewhat no and some yes
Judge - Just answer the fucking question shit stain!

That's one hardcore judge, put I have to admit, he's spot on.

First thing in the morning I like to have a really strong coffee and sit listening to rock music on the telly, it gets me (somewhat) motivated for the day ahead. Well im pissed off, because now a load of the music channels instead of actually showing music, have fucking teleshopping until 7am (I get up far too early).

Shitty teleshopping trying to sell people a thicker head of hair or a slimmer arse, who buys that shit, moreover who'd buy it before seven in the morning? Anyway, im none too impressed as this means there's no more listening to Kerrang for me and the Amp has gone altogether! Now it was by no means my favourite channel but it had on occasion good music and you'd think with nine hundred million channels there'd be room for it wouldn't you? As Adrian Mole would say - just my fucking luck!

So I was flipping round the other channels and I think I've found the anti-Christ of music tv. A channel simply called Fizz, it's utter shite, I would go as far as to say it could be the nadir of modern society. All it shows is shitty rap and dance songs, which fair enough quite a few other channels are also guilty of but what really puts this one ahead for me is it's text feature. Basically you send in a text and they put it up on the channel, it's much like a chat room but on the telly. The comments made are so inane and simple minded that I actually jotted a few down for you're (dis)pleasure, check this shit out -

996- av got somthing 2 cheer her up
565- where are all the pics of sexy girls? im bored?
077 - wot urs
196 - 18th b'day tody n its rainin =(
155 - what part of wales are you from bbe i from gwent x
968 - am from cardiff u gotta pic ttb
196 - mine was so gr8 had da worst hangova tho
155 - txt me k

Still with me? I hope your eyes haven't started bleeding. Now I know there are online chats like this going on all the time *shudder* but at least they are cheap, this fucking service costs one pound a go!!! What you're looking at there cost the best part of a tenner! I can't believe people are willing to spend their money on this, to be represented by a number like an extra on the fucking Prisoner and still be confined to txt speak. These are probably the same people who bought the crazy frog ringtone. Fuckers.

So yeah, early morning music tv is a disgrace.

I have a pretty brisk step and I fucking hate being stuck behind people who walk slower than a turtle. That being a turtle with no legs, a turtle with no legs that is dead, a turtle with no legs that is dead and has small wheels attached to it's underside and is in actual fact almost imperceptibly going backwards due to a slight incline. And this happens far more often than one would expect.

The other day I was stuck behind a crowd of people and started getting annoyed when I thought how great it would be, if like the much loved gaming character Mario, I could simply bound from head to along the crowd. This got me think though, why did Mario have such an amazing lower half that he could hop like an Olympian, being that he was a mere plumber

Mario is really unique in the gaming world. He's not a hedgehog, a dragon, a frog or even a bandicoot (what ever the fuck a bandicoot is) but an Italian American plumber. Now as vocations go it doesn't really bespeak the capacity for high adventure. It's not like the guy actually even looks in shape, lets be fair, Mario is no stranger to an extra large pizza. Don't get me wrong I love the little chap but his character is pretty much singular. Is he handsome? Well, no, not really, again im not knocking the lad but leading man looks he don't have

Again, why can he leap so? He has to have 'magic mushrooms' go get bigger or to throw fireballs (???) but his natural leaping ability is just there. Odd. I think I know the real reason that Mario so selflessly went to that magical land, he was escaping numerous legal battles.

Can you imagine some hefty bloke leaping from head to head on his way to a plumbing emergency? People up and down the land with boot prints on there head from the chubby one. You can see it now can't you?

'I was walking home from work when I heard 'Hey Pizano!' before I knew it I was on my arse, concussed and badly hurt. I phoned claims direct and they got me $8000 in a matter of weeks.'

The poor lad must have been potless! And faced with choice of battling a giant turtle thing that can spew fire balls or a bunch of claims lawyers we'd all opt the same.

I hope you have a little more respect for old Mazza now. Im not too sure about his brother though, looks the sort who can't be trusted with kids if you get my meaning. I'd ask what the fuck Toad is but that's a whole post in itself.

Oh, im so fucking annoyed. Just watched a bit of the news, what a fucking farce. It's almost time for the Eurovision. Who gives a single shit? Anyone? Are we ever going to win again? I very much fucking doubt it with the total shite we pick to represent us.

Why can't we have a fucking good UK band represent us at Eurovision? Gomez, The Editors, Mogwai, Maximo Park.... anyone of those fucking lot would do for me. Just set a rule that they have to come up with a new song without the aid of any studio jiggery pokery. I'll tell you why that'll never happen because every year we'd fucking decimate the competition and the UK has to be the laughing stock of Europe. Of course no other country is going to vote for us! No other EU country likes us.

What's this shit im seeing about a fucking drought?? We only had like 3 or 4 nice days of weather and already we're talking drought. What the fuck are our government playing at? It pissed it down yesterday! It's raining later on today and it's pissing it down tomorrow. We're a fucking island for christ sake, so if any twat from the council comes round here and even breathes those three words - 'hose pipe ban' I'll fucking beat him to death .

How come Prince Harry makes the news just for wearing a bucking hat!? He wears a bowler hat, big fucking deal. All I can think is - SLOW NEWS DAY. Then they say he risks losing his street cred? What!? What fucking street cred? Am I missing something? He's smoked a little dope, dressed as a nazi and cheated on a few exams. I doubt a bowler hat's going to unseat that.

Fuck I need some coffee.

Okay, bored as fuck and just searching round the net when I found this site - http://worth1000.com

It's a site for people with photoshop that like to show off their skills. There is some of the weirdest shit I've ever seen in my life on this fucking site. Am I afraid of nuclear war? Not particularly. Am I afraid of bird flu? Nope. Am I afraid of the alien in, errrr, Alien. Again, no.

Am I afraid of people who make fake zombie pictures of living celebrities, including brain matter and hanging bits of skin? Yes, very fucking much so.

It's all wrong, so very, very wrong.

Isn't it the way? Whenever you're in a hurry the most bizarre obstacles will hold you up. Tonight I was racing from work to the nearest PC world as I badly needed some CD-Rs then onto the bus stop. So I dive in the shop, have a look at deals, nothing really special so just grab a box zoom to the cash registers, only one queue of course. The bloke in front of me is an utter twat, I could comment on his shite earrings or the fact his was buying a torn packet of A4 paper to convince you he was a twat but you'll know full well yourself shortly.

So I look at the time on my phone, 12 mins to get to the bus...

The lad behind the till is ready to roll, the twat is staring into space, suddenly he becomes animated and puts the packet down with a right thud, totally unnecessary just makes me think he's a bigger twat.

11 mins to go...

It must be the till operators first day or something as he seems really nervous, anyways he asks the bloke 'Is this for business or personal use?'. Not that hard of a question you'd have thought, what does the twat respond with? 'Why?'. Urgh, I can feel trouble ahead. Till operator says its for tax reasons, the twat is not understanding this concept but eventually responds he doesn't have a business. I wish a bunch of kids could have appeared from somewhere and happy slapped the fucker to death.

9 mins to go...

Till operator asks how he's paying, cash or card. Twat thrusts out a twenty pound note, you know in that way that dickheads do, as if we're all going to be fucking bowled over by seeing a twenty pound note with our very own eyes. Till operator again asks him how he's paying (not the fastest lad). Im fucking seething at this point and considering lobbing my cds at both these articles. Twat motions to the note in his hand, all systems are now go, dickhead hands over cash, change is on it's way, dickhead takes his time folding a carrier bag around his single pack of paper.

6 mins to go...

I step forward to be served, twat asks till operator if he can have another carrier bag. The carrier bags are right there, he could easily have helped himself to another. Twat messes about with second bag.

5 mins to go...

Till operator scans disks, I intercept his questions, money changes hands, I bag up my purchase and am out the door. It takes in total less than a minute.

I race through the city to get to the bus stop and wouldn't you know it... it turns up five minutes late. Still, it's amazing how slow some fuckers can be.

Well, the world cup is coming ever closer, im not going to talk about it in itself because a) im sure over a million other blogs have done so and b) I know fuck all about football. What I want to touch upon is that despite the fact I have a little to no knowledge or understanding of football I will probably end up watching a fair bit of it and cheering on England.

Rest assured though that I won't be one of those twats who calls it 'my' team (like im a reserve player) or try to pass myself off as someone who understands half of whats going on. Further more, when England loses over some issue of scandal and debate (as we always do) I won't be crying about it and reading all the details over and over again in the papers. A lot of people do though and it usually irks me, at least I have the decency to admit im jumping on the world cup bandwagon and not trying to pass myself off as a hardcore sports fan.

A week or so ago a friend told me how they'd recently taken an interest in Wonder Woman and that they thought she was cool. I of course got far too excited by this and started asking them what their thoughts were on the return of Donna Troy. I got a blank look in return and a hasty explanation that they were infact just attracted to the image of it and the idea.

I think that is what a lot of world cup fever is really all about. These people like the idea and image of it, few of them will actually sit through games that are important to Englands performance if England aren't actually playing (even I understand that concept) but will still ardently tell you they're England fans.

I imagine that hard core football fans who pay outlandish prices for season tickets and go in all weathers, following a team through good times and bad have the same feelings toward the world cup as comic book fans do toward a big blockbuster comic book movie. For a month or so comic book shops are full of people with no real knowledge or love of comics but wander about asking questions. The general feeling toward them is 'there not real fans!', regardless of how much money they spend.

In reflection though the world cup is an easy way to feel a part of something and it seems like one of the few opportunities in England to express your patriotism without fear of being considered a loon, a racist or both. Which is fair enough really, to show there is no real ill will let me be the first to shout - England!

Was he like the cat equivalent of a cat on Thundera? But then again they all evolve from Cats. Urgh! It makes my head hurt thinking about it. Can you beleive that the bloke who did the voice of Snarf also did the voice of Slithe? Weird eh? Anyway, what the fuck was Snarf?

It's pissing it down here (for any non-UK readers that means torrential rain). Worse still I've got to go out in this. I'd take a picture so you could see for yourself but sadly I'd don't have a digital camera (might have to invest in one), so you'll have to make do with a 'Singin' in the rain' pic. Did you know that the rain in that film is something like 10% milk because pure water doesn't show up on film? Weird eh? Weirder still that I know that even though I've never seen the film.

There's nothing worse than looking forward to something all week and then the day arrives and the weather is awful. Knowing deep down that you're going to have to cancel, that moment when you have to stop kidding yourself it's going to pass in 10 minutes and face facts is always gutting. Especially with the last few blissful days, it's terrible in Britain, you have good weather and bad weather arrives fucking pronto like a psychotic repo man, taking away everything nice with far too much zeal and violence, making sure you get the point that it was never really yours.

I do like it when it raining and im snug indoors though. Looking out of the window, drinking a hot chocolate, watching the losers scurrying around, trying not to catch pneumonia.

Sadly, today im going to be one of those losers.*Sigh* It's going to be the wearing of a hat, then pull my hood over it, while holding an umbrella... I'll still get soaked to the fucking skin though. What a pisser.

Oh no, oh fuck no, not again. The billboards are up, these fucking things herald the return of the nations favourite waste of time (for the umpteenth time), I gag saying it's name (and Orwell probably turns in his grave)... Big Brother.

Never do I pray more fervently for a house to have a carbon monoxide leak, maybe this year, just maybe. *Fingers crossed*

After the 100 films list from last week, im going through the films upon it I've not seen and just finished watching L.A. Confidential. I didn't know that Russell Crowe was in it and aren't too keen on the lad but to be fair he was great here as were the rest of the cast.

I know it's an old film (is 1997 old?) but it was new to me. Recommended.

Rollo Tomasi indeed.

He'd finished work and decided to go to the pub. Instead of going to his local he thought he'd try another just for a change, now he is from just outside London and talks in what I would consider a quite posh voice (this will be important in a second). Just for background he has lived in the area for around 6 months and has never been any trouble to anyone.

So, he walks into the bar and orders a pint. They stare at him and do nothing. Pleasant by nature he just smiles and asks if everything is okay. Everything is not okay. They tell him that they will not serve him, they want him to leave and not to come back. Southeners are not welcome. Obviously he was beyond shocked, he is a white, heterosexual man, English, living in England and he has just had the first taste of prejudice in his life. Morevoer from another white, heterosexual man (I assume), English, living in England.

Now when I heard this my first thought was 'Well... some Northerners don't like Southerners but fuck me that's a bit strong'. There is still to an extent the old 'Arrrgh, Northern monkeys, Southern fairies' attitude but no one really takes it that seriously do they? Apparently some do.

Now racism/prejudice is shite in all forms, the hobby of dickheads, but with all the different races, beliefs and lifestyle choices in this great country of ours I find it hard to believe there is still room in the minds of some dickheads for the old North/South divide.

What really annoys me about all this, is that the pub in question is one of those that has England flags hung all round it. Turning away an Englishman for not being born in the same place as you, how fucking English is that?

Right, I've seen this advert a few times, spoken my opinion and been dismissed. Im sure im spot on, so im going to ask your opinion -
The blue one is a ball of natural gas and the yellow one is a ball of electricity, now it can't be safe for these two hang about can it? I mean, it's a fucking explosion in the making surely?

* Have you noticed how bus drivers always wave at each other when passing? In their buses obviously, not when there outside work, well, saying that im sure some of them do. What im trying to say is; do you think that sometimes bus drivers really don't want to wave but only do so out of manners? In the event of a non-wave do you think that the other driver would actually take offence at being snubbed? I have sneaking suspicion they would.

* I've heard that Hollywood is going to make a big screen remake of Knight Rider. I realised long ago that Hollywood has for the most part run out of ideas but this still made me think 'Surely not'. I really hope this one disappears out of society's collective memory as quickly as previous remakes. Remember the Mod Squad remake? Exactly.

* Why is it that I push the elevator button repeatably when in a hurry? Does it make the elevator come any quicker? No, of course not, but I still hammer it like a loon when running late (which is often).

* Where I work it is often hotter than hell (a term which im sure will soon be outlawed for being un-pc). Do you know there is no legal maximum temperature in the workplace? The law only states that it must be 'reasonable'. Who the fuck decides what's reasonable? A maximum temperature should definitely set, im thinking 24c. Who's with me?

* The University of California has rocked the world with its latest findings, which claim that women have a ''subconscious radar' while looking for a mate. I'll go along with the radar, I don't think it's anyway subconscious though. Amazingly, men who are considered to be promising fathers look 'like they have an interest in children'. I thought those were paedophiles.

Stan Lee, the head guy of Marvel comics, is involved in some bizarre reality show which will result in the creation of a new comic book character. I've tried to find more info but every news source says the exact same fucking thing.

Make reference to reality television in comics? Sure. Make fun of them? Knock yourself out. Put your name to a reality show and let it have an actual impact on comics? You've lost it Stan.

Now don't get me wrong, I love old Stan, I even watched the Hulk just for his cameo (Who'd have thought Ang Lee could make such a piece of shit? Saying that though, who'd have thought he'd get an Oscar for a film about gay cowboys?) But none the less a black mark has gone against him here.

Im trying to imagine what Brodies reaction would be to this. Would he be outraged that mere mortals could dictate the course of comic book history or would he be delighted and desperately try to get involved?

Im not sure but either way it leaves me with a bad feeling to think that a guy responsible for the X-Men, Spider-Man, the Hulk etc... would have to stoop to this. Im not against new creative ideas and talent but this whole thing just shouts 'gimmick'.

This is what a massive dose of boredom will do to you. 'A new layout. How hard can that be?', I asked myself foolishly. Spent all the time messing about with the links, getting it semi-okay and now that I look at it I can't help but feel it looks shit.

What do you think?

Ice cream vans are to be banned from going near schools. What the fuck!? Apparently the ice creams vans are too much of a risk to a kids healthy lifestyle, what a load of bollocks.

When I was a young 'un my favourite part of the day was seeing the ice creams vans park up in front of the school, then plan in my head the quickest route through the cloak room, to my mum (to get some cash), then down to the van before any other of my fellow snipes. I ran faster than the fucking Flash, im sure that burnt far more calories than my 99 added. Oh, do 99s still cost 99p? I bet they don't, much in the same way that penny sweets cost 10p each.

It's another blow for personal responsibility. I imagine the teachers will address the parents thusly - 'Relax parents, you won't have to feel shit that your kid has become a porker by gorging himself on ice cream because you were too much of a coward to put your foot down. We've gone and banned ice cream vans coming near the school! What's that you say? The fizzy drinks and chocolate we sell in school? Hypocritical? Erm.... fuck off!'

This reminds me of last year when the Cookie Monster had to give up cookies as he was promoting an unhealthy lifestyle. People who think shit like spend too much time thinking if you ask me. What about the fat bloke I see outside the window muching a chocolate bar. Isn't he promoting an unhealthy lifestyle? Should we ban him from leaving his house? It's utter madness.

This whole story has well and truly took the flake out of my 99 (im hoping to start a new saying).

Im making my way slowly but surely through the DC comic event that was Infinite Crisis. Last night I read Infinite Crisis #4 and my world was officially rocked with the following -

Holy shit! It's Barry Allen and he's got Superboy Prime in a headlock! World. Rocked. *Slowly breathes out* Okay, geek moment over, normal service will resume shortly.

Despite how this may appear and im not in league with Virgin to make cash selling their shite. Im just letting people know that texts between Virgin phones are free now till the 30th of September, so basically go ape shit bonkers sending texts whenever you fancy, owt for nowt.

As a friend of mine said it's an incredibly miserly attitude, texts are usually only 3p, but I still always weigh up whether or not the message warrants the expense. Since the whole free text thing started I've had a whale of time annoying the shit out of friends sending them annoying texts while my £2.30 worth of credit has gone untouched! Virgin does oddly tell you that you only have one thousand texts per month and im definitelyy going to keep to that, most likely if you go beyond one thousand, that beardy chap Richard Branson gets your first born.

If I know you in the real world (such as it is) and you're on the Virgin let me know and I'll add you to the people im daily sending silly texts to.

When typing this up I was half tempted to call the post something like 'text, drugs and rock 'n' roll' or something shit like that, it was only upon remembering those Jazz cunts back at high school who called themselves 'sax on the beach' that I realised how fucking dire that would have been.

Links, all over the fucking shop. It's like a blog Vietnam and the links are the Cong. Don't know how they got there, I certainly didn't put them in. I'll get them all out as soon as I can. If anyone knows what's caused this and could tell me how to prevent it from happening again I'd be very grateful. I've had the blog a while now and never had anything like this happen to it.

I don't know who ntsearch are but they certainly are cunts.

Edit

That's them dealt with, so don't worry, your not crazy, they are now gone

I've always thought that office work was unhealthy but I was still floored upon reading about the office worker who after working 8 hours straight got deep vein thrombosis. I hope this will be a wake up call to this work obsessed culture but I doubt it. Whenever there is analysis of the longest working days or most hours worked per week, Britain is always at the top or near it, a lot people seem quite smug about this as if it's some sort of achievement to be working yourself to death.

I make it a point to go out on my lunch breaks and have a bit of a walk, a lot of people don't though and what's more I usually get a few dirty looks, as if to say 'Look at the swine, he can't be working hard if he's got a full hour to spare'. There is a lovely little park near where I work and make it no secret that I like to go there and get away from the tedium, upon my return I sometimes get questions like 'Had a nice walk?' in a nasty tone as if to suggest my time has been wasted when it could have been spent working. A lot of them eat their lunch at their desk while working, god knows why as it never seems to go noticed by the management. Well fuck the lot of them, I don't want to be a zombie like them.

A few weeks ago I got bollocked because I was caught playing chess for five minutes on the internet. I pointed out that the smokers get 10 minute smoke breaks so non-smokers should get some kind of alternative. They laughed this off as if it was the ramblings of a mad man. I even later pointed out that it's in our staff handbook that short breaks are entitled, they just thought I was trying to validate having a doss but what they don't get is they're entitled to a break. Where I work isn't even that faced paced or important so I fear to think how higher pressure work places carry on.

Sometimes when it's extremely quiet I'll sit reading for a bit, if one of the zooming drones notices this they'll go mental trying to find work for me to do. I'll point out that im in a separate department to them and my department is on top of everything but they can't fucking bear to see anyone having a pleasant time at work.

When it's the end of the working day I grab my coat and head straight for the door but a lot of people don't even move, they all stay working away, the first time I noticed this I asked someone who'd been working there longer what the crack was and they said 'They'll stay another hour at least, they don't claim for it either'. From this story today I reckon someone in my office getting DVT in the near future is inevitable. When that happens people will be shocked but they'll probably still sneer at my suggestions for regular breaks.

I feel a bit insecure recommending any kind of music as I have this unshakable feeling that everyone on the internet knows more about music and has better taste, so I'll keep this brief. The Raconteurs have an album coming out this week, Jack White from the White Stripes is in the band along with members from a kick ass band called the Green Hornes (I saw them last year, they really are kick ass) as well as Brendan Benson (I don't really know anything about him).

An early copy of their album *found* it's way to me and I think it's very good. There is a video floating round the music channels if you want a bit of a preview called 'Steady as she goes'. Or you could just check out their website (everyone knows how to use Google im sure). So anyway, if you like that, then consider giving their album a listen.

Oh, that new album by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers came out today didn't it? Im not recommending that though because I haven't heard it, im sure loads of other people will though.

I have just seen a man wearing a wrist watch that was bigger than his head. It wasn't some kind of simpleton either (not in the traditional sense anyway). But some slick haired, tie wearing yuppie.

Seriously this watch was fucking huge, it's face was bigger than that of my nans grandfather clock. I myself don't ware a watch, most places you go have a clock somewhere and failing that there is a little time display on your phone. So what need is there to wear one? I don't mind people wearing them if they like them and keep it discreet but beyond that it's just a fucking status symbol.

People who wear fancy digital watches make me laugh, why not just buy a bog standard Casio for a few quid? They were great, I knew a lad who had one and it could tell you the temperature of the planet! Funnily enough the planet was usually about room temperature.

Just for the record, the greatest wrist watch ever was the Yoda wrist watch I got when I was 9. Hmmmmmmph, excellent it was!

We all hate chavs. I know to speak ill of them is tread familiar goround but I just want to rant about one particularly annoying aspect of the common chav (the Latin name being ~ societus leechus), and that is their annoying habit of asking strangers for cigarettes.

The other day there was a chavtastic fella sat across from me on the bus, bedecked in the finest track suit, baseball cap and gold chain that a fiver in Primark can buy. So he's just chugged a can of Carlsberg export and is cracking open his second (it's about 1pm on a weekday), he starts looking round, then proceeds to ask the bloke behind him, the bloke infront of him and then me if he can have a cig. We all said 'Sorry, don't smoke' in a tone which says 'Go fuck yourself'.

What really annoyed me was what he did next. His reaction to a lack of tobacco treats was to start huffing and puffing as well as tutting then he exclaimed 'Christ im surrounded by non-smokers'. Yes you are my friend, let me reveal a few more facts for you, firstly; there is no smoking on buses you dickhead and secondly; are we in some way at fault because we don't suck on cancer sticks? Take your time...

Exactly, it's you that is at fault for being such a fucking sponger. Dickhead.

I hope all among you remember the late 80s tv sensation that was Bravestar. If not it was about this badass sheriff called Bravestar (pictured right) who went to this small planet (oh, did I not mention it was set in outer space?) where he had to keep the peace. There was way more to it than that of course, lizard gods, something called Carrium (similar to crack), mole people, a talking horse etc... What I want to talk about in particular is that Bravestar had powers. He had the strength of a bear, the speed of a puma, the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a wolf (well, the hearing ability of a wolf I should say, not actual wolf ears).

Well the other night I got chatting about Bravestar and his powers and there was some disagreement about what are the best four animal powers to have. Im going to go through what I believe to be the most four useful/interesting powers.

1. Ink of an octopus

Some gang of dickheads giving you trouble? No problem cover the fuckers in ink, they'll soon be singing a different story. Someone following you? No problem, cover the floor in ink and they'll be slipping about all over the place. This would also be useful if you were writing a letter and you pen ran out of ink. Well, I suppose you wouldn't actually need a pen ever again, bonus!

2. Electricity of an Eel

Again im thinking from a safety point of view and with this ability combined with the ink squirting you're pretty much sorted for life. Someone so much as lays a finger on you and they get some much needed shock therapy. If your phone runs out of battery you can give it a quick top up, this also works with a tv remote.

3. Skin of a Chameleon

You wake up in the morning and you fancy a tattoo? Bang no problem. I quite like this idea as im a massive fan of rub on tattoos, I want an image on my body but will get bored of it after a while, this way they can instantly appear and disappear as I will it. Also when your pissed off your whole body can go a violent red/orange so people know not to bother you and when you're calm you can go blue so people know it's safe to approach.

4. Limb regeneration of a lizard

I just think it would be cool to see someones face when they hack your limb off, only for it to regrow. To be honest im not 100% on this power, I could be talked out of it.

So what do you think of my choices? What would you opt for? The memory of an Elephant? Radar of a bat? Hung like a donkey? Im eager to know!

Yes the biggest holiday of the comic book year is almost upon us. Go to your nearest comic book store tomorrow and be sure to fill a bag full of free comics and goodies.

To the shrieking, high pitched, posh tarts that it was my misfortune to be seated near, at the Japanese restaurant (ramen rocks) I was at yesterday - I fucking detest you. This following gem in particular makes me want bad things to happen to you;

'So right, we though like we'd copulate on it as it'd be a wicked story yeah? But then like we couldn't get near and then kinda thought it'd be in bad taste'

Do you think so? Cunt.

First off, I don't want to have to hear about your shite antics, in particular trying to shag at stonehenge. Secondly and more importantly, I know what copulate means you stuck up bitch. Everyone knows. What? Can't you say fuck like a normal person? You waste of space. Just so you know, saying copulate doesn't make you any less of a whore. I hope you get bad aids.

There's is a computer games shop near where I work and the people that work there are tremendous. Somewhere along the line reality cut them loose. They always amuse me when im in there. They make the staff of my local comic book store look like high flying attorneys.

The last time I was in, one of the guys (lets call him T) was wearing a home made bandana with a Mario 'M' on it as well as a long glittery cape. He was looking through the bargain bin and found a copy of Parappa the Rappa at a mere one pound.

Well, he was very excited. T started cheering and decided this game wasn't going to leave his sight. He went behind the counter, popped it in a ps2 and started playing away frantically. He was having the time of his life.

A little boy who had watched all this excitement walked over to the counter, his eyes wide, here is their exchange -

Boy : Why are you dressed like that?

T : Im a super hero.

Boy : Really?

T : Oh yeah, im in league with Parappa at the mo, see?

Boy : Wow.

Other staff member : He's more like a super geek.

T : Hush.

At this point the boy was looking on at this enthusiastic gamer amazed and it really brightened my day. It's so rare to see anybody who isn't as miserable as fuck, whinging on about this or that (hypocritical? me?). To see somebody who actually likes what they do and to brighten the lives of others while working, well, I will always hold people like that in the highest regard.

Lost season two started on Channel 4 last night and I didn't watch one minute of it. I'd followed season one through faithfully and like many people upon seeing the final episode had the 'For fucks sake, we still don't know anything' response.

I've simply got too much on at the mo to start another 20 episode plus American tv show but even if I didn't I wouldn't quickly come back to Lost just because it's so infuriatingly slow. What winds me up more than anything is how Channel 4 keeps going on about 'catch up episodes', get up to date with everything that's happened so far, they say. ALMOST NOTHING HAS HAPPENED SO FAR.

There's a young lad who has the power to create things. A fat bloke with magic numbers. A Hobbit whose kicked the drugs. A bald bloke who can now walk thanks to the power of the island. A shaft which has got something in it. A French woman whose a nutter. Weird others which may or may not exist. And an Australian whose baby is the messiah or Damien depending on how things go.

That took a fucking paragraph. Someone I work with got bored of Lost and read on to find out what happens in season two, this apparently is the total of what happens in season two - 'Fuck all'.

So a big up yours to Lost, you took a promising idea and stretched it out beyond my patience, and im a patient guy.

Anyway -

1.Godfather, The (1972)
2.Shawshank Redemption, The (1994)
3.Godfather: Part II, The (1974)
4.Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, The (2003)
5.Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The (2002)
6.Schindler's List (1993)
7.Seven Samurai (1954)
8.Casablanca (1942)
9.Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The (2001)
10.Star Wars (1977)
11.Citizen Kane (1941)
12.One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
13.Dr. Strangelove (1964)
14.Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
15.Rear Window (1954)
16.Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
17.Pulp Fiction (1994)
18.Usual Suspects, The (1995)
19.Memento (2000)
20.North by Northwest (1959)
21.12 Angry Men (1957)
22.The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (1966)
23.Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
24.Psycho (1960)
25.Amelie (2001)
26.Silence of the Lambs, The (1991)
27.It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
28.Goodfellas (1990)
29.American Beauty (1999)
30.Sunset Blvd. (1950)
31.Vertigo (1958)
32.Matrix, The (1999)
33.City of God (2002)
34.To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
35.Once upon a Time in the West (1968)
36.Apocalypse Now (1979)
37.Pianist, The (2002)
38.Third Man, The (1949)
39.Paths of Glory (1957)
40.Taxi Driver (1976)
41.Fight Club (1999)
42.Spirited Away (2001)
43.Some Like It Hot (1959)
44.Double Indemnity (1944)
45.Boot, Das (1981)
46.Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
47.Singin' in the Rain (1952)
48.Chinatown (1974)
49.L.A. Confidential (1997)
50.Maltese Falcon, The (1941)
51.Requiem for a Dream (2000)
52.All About Eve (1950)
53.M (1931)
54.Bridge on the River Kwai, The (1957)
55.Se7en (1995)
56.Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
57.Saving Private Ryan (1998)
58.Rashomon (1950)
59.Raging Bull (1980)
60.Wizard of Oz, The (1939)
61.Alien (1979)
62.American History X (1998)
63.Sting, The (1973)
64.Leon (1994)
65.Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
66.Manchurian Candidate, The (1962)
67.Vita è bella, La (1997)
68.Touch of Evil (1958)
69.Treasure of the Sierra Madre, The (1948)
70.Finding Nemo (2003)
71.2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
72.Reservoir Dogs (1992)
73.Great Escape, The (1963)
74.Modern Times (1936)
75.Clockwork Orange, A (1971)
76.Amadeus (1984)
77.On the Waterfront (1954)
78.Ran (1985)
79.Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003)
80.Annie Hall (1977)
81.Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)
82.Jaws (1975)
83.Apartment, The (1960)
84.Braveheart (1995)
85.High Noon (1952)
86.Aliens (1986)
87.Fargo (1996)
88.Strangers on a Train (1951)
89.Shining, The (1980)
90.Metropolis (1927)
91.Blade Runner (1982)
92.Sixth Sense, The (1999)
93.City Lights (1931)
94.Donnie Darko (2001)
95.Duck Soup (1933)
96.Great Dictator, The (1940)
97.General, The (1927)
98.The Seventh Seal (1957)
99.Princess Bride, The (1987)
100.Dogville (2003)

Edit

The hilarious blog, Andrews World has taken part in this one hundred films idea, a link can be found, funnily enough, in the links section.

The point has been raised that some fantastic films have been left off this list and im inclined to agree. It might not however be due to any failure on the list makers part, im thinking that perhaps one hundred is simply too small a number to name every film of importance/greatness. I'll put up a list of my own if I can't think of anything else to do (so expect it by the end of the week).

Im currently trying to apply to a college or university, I've been debating whether or not to mention this as it's neither funny nor interesting but fuck it. It's my blog and I’ll bore if I want to.

I wouldn't be going back to college as truth to tell I've never been. After my GCSEs I did continue in higher education and have one or two further qualifications under my belt but the whole college/uni lifestyle is a mystery to me. That's not to say that I haven't been on one or two campuses nor am I a stranger to a lecture room, I've just always been, for lack of a better word, trespassing.

Im currently having to write a personal statement for my UCAS form and find myself somewhat hesitant to put anything down. I can't help but feel that it'll be trite and dull. What do you say? I like to learn. If you admit me to your place of learning I will work very hard. I can't shake the feeling that it'll be a mess but I can't keep putting it off.

The main reason im putting this down on the blog is so everyone knows about the uni/college thing, which will drive me a bit more to achieve something. If I try and fail then ultimately I can forgive myself, if however I just sit around whining and procrastinating until I've missed my chance to apply, even for late registration, then I'll be frustrated beyond words.

My greatest failing is laziness and if a year goes by and nothing in my life has changed then I'll really hate myself.

Root for me… please.

So the other day we'd been playing pool for an hour and fancied something a bit different, we'd both seen the snooker on telly recently so thought 'Why not try a game of snooker?'. So we handed in the balls for pool and requested to use a Snooker table. We went upstairs and the music and general background noise of chatting immediately fell away and we were in a dark, fuck off room which apart from the sound of balls clicking against each other was silent.

I have a new level of respect for snooker players, it took us roughly an hour and twenty minutes to finish one set in which I won with a hugely underwhelming final score of twenty eight to twenty four. We didn't count fouls, fuck knows what the score would have been if we had, we'd probably both have had centuries. I've never felt such a cunt as when I was setting out the balls and was unsure how yellow, green and brown went. Just so you know... I fucked it up. And when the girlfriend asked 'After potting a red, can I pot another red if I want?' I could fucking feel a dozen smiling faces in the dark.

Im glad I gave it a go but I think it'll be a while before I play again. The next Marco Fu I ain't.

That got me thinking about the problem of old age pensioners dying in the colder months from hyperthermia because the government has stood back and allowed the cost of heating to increase beyond their means. A lot is being done for old folks but yet even more could be done, we could fart on them. I propose a round the hour service where by a team of helpers will go from home to home expelling as much gas as possible. It's a clean (kinda), renewable energy source which I for one would be happy to offer up and im sure others would too. Sure the elderly will smell a bit funky but who'd notice?

Im really chuffed by this idea, it's not just old people that could benefit from this. People could fart on the homeless to see them through those bitter cold winter nights. Are we looking at a viable alternative to nuclear power? If so you know where to send the Nobel prize.