Are you up to the test!?

I have a pretty brisk step and I fucking hate being stuck behind people who walk slower than a turtle. That being a turtle with no legs, a turtle with no legs that is dead, a turtle with no legs that is dead and has small wheels attached to it's underside and is in actual fact almost imperceptibly going backwards due to a slight incline. And this happens far more often than one would expect.

The other day I was stuck behind a crowd of people and started getting annoyed when I thought how great it would be, if like the much loved gaming character Mario, I could simply bound from head to along the crowd. This got me think though, why did Mario have such an amazing lower half that he could hop like an Olympian, being that he was a mere plumber

Mario is really unique in the gaming world. He's not a hedgehog, a dragon, a frog or even a bandicoot (what ever the fuck a bandicoot is) but an Italian American plumber. Now as vocations go it doesn't really bespeak the capacity for high adventure. It's not like the guy actually even looks in shape, lets be fair, Mario is no stranger to an extra large pizza. Don't get me wrong I love the little chap but his character is pretty much singular. Is he handsome? Well, no, not really, again im not knocking the lad but leading man looks he don't have

Again, why can he leap so? He has to have 'magic mushrooms' go get bigger or to throw fireballs (???) but his natural leaping ability is just there. Odd. I think I know the real reason that Mario so selflessly went to that magical land, he was escaping numerous legal battles.

Can you imagine some hefty bloke leaping from head to head on his way to a plumbing emergency? People up and down the land with boot prints on there head from the chubby one. You can see it now can't you?

'I was walking home from work when I heard 'Hey Pizano!' before I knew it I was on my arse, concussed and badly hurt. I phoned claims direct and they got me $8000 in a matter of weeks.'

The poor lad must have been potless! And faced with choice of battling a giant turtle thing that can spew fire balls or a bunch of claims lawyers we'd all opt the same.

I hope you have a little more respect for old Mazza now. Im not too sure about his brother though, looks the sort who can't be trusted with kids if you get my meaning. I'd ask what the fuck Toad is but that's a whole post in itself.