The Touch
Do you know anything about massages?
Not really, apart from that you put you're hands on someone and move them about.
Yeah, that's as far as my knowledge goes as well. Bollocks.
Why? What's up?
Well, I've been giving my girlfriend massages recently and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
Okay...
But I told her I was once a semi-professional masseur.
Oh, nice touch with the 'semi-professional'. Makes it sound believable.
Thanks. Anyway, she's recently started getting these bad back aches.
Ah.
And I've told her she should see a professional masseur.
But of course....
She thinks I'm a professional. Or a semi one at any rate.
How bad are these bad back aches?
If I give her one more massage I'm going to remove her ability to walk upright.
Nasty.
Yeah, I'm in something a of a predicament, I either blow my cover, revealing I'm full of shit or I cripple my girlfriend. Tricky.
Well, if she does end up in wheel chair... of which we've only actually got your fraudulent professional opinion that that's going to happen, wouldn't your cover be blown anyway?
It's a shame we don't live in a time where you can get a pair of RoboCop type legs.
... ?
Well, she could always attach/detach them as she fancied.
I can't remember the scene where RoboCop detached his legs.
It's probably somewhere in the extras.
I'd just come clean now while you can.
He definitely had a jet pack at some point. That'd be cool, a hovering girlfriend.
You'll soon have no girlfriend at all. Hovering or otherwise.
Ah, I've cracked it. I've bloody well cracked it! What I'll do right...
Yeah?
Right... is have a look tonight, go 'Oh my god! You've got a swelling in the delta quadrant! I'll need to refer you to a specialist and will be no longer able to perform massages on you myself as that quadrant was never covered in my training'. Hows that?
Very semi-professional.
Thanks.
I hope you'll take away from this the lesson that you should never pretend to be something you're not.
You'd have thought so, but if Im still fibbing after that incident in 03 when I said I was a heart surgeon... that lesson will probably never sink in.
Hmm, never completely. Have you seen Jessica since?
I did actually. Last year in town. I was trying to tell her about that amazing convention I went to where I head butted Wesley Crusher but she was all 'waaah, waaah, my dead sister, waaaah, waaah'. As if there wasn't a very likely chace she'd have died anyway.
Yeah, some people can never really live in reality can they?
