Tuesday, April 03, 2007 

Idle Thoughts

* I know this is incredibly old hat now but how much of a bastard is 'new blogger'? As I haven't blogged in a while I was just sat staring at the screen - fucked if I could remember my new password. Then I remembered it was exactly the same as the one for old blogger but with a '1' on the end.

* Did you see that poll in SFX in which Serenity was voted the best ever sci-fi movie? How great was that? I think that there's plans in motion for a comic based on the show but surely it deserves another tv series? Ever sentence in this paragraph end in a question mark, strange eh?

* The light above my desk is flashing on and off. Ever time it happens, for a split second, I think 'oooh lightning' then I quickly correct myself with 'oh no, im just too lazy to change the bulb'.

* Long hair is a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because ladies find it nice but it's a curse in that when you try to talk to aforementioned nice ladies the hair decides that this is the time for it to fly into your mouth.

* Im always excited at discovering new music, not in a dickheadish 'ohhh, whats the new trend?' kinda way but just a genuine joy of new talent. My friends however, on the whole... prefer music they're more familiar with. Which leaves me looking at gig listings, excited at upcoming gigs but then a bit sad as I know no one who would come along with me. I mean I could go one my own but y'know, it's a bit tragic isn't it? I could on the other hand make new friends but that would require far too much effort. And social skill.

* It's always a bit gutting when - you've got nothing to do to entertain yourself but piss about on the internet, and then you run out of stuff on the internet. You just sit staring at Google desperate for inspiration, inbetween looking at your e-mail inboxes. When this happens... update your blog.

Sunday, March 11, 2007 

I Found This Quite Touching


Monday, March 05, 2007 


You know whats been worrying me lately?
It might be quicker if you just tell me.
Nose hair.
Nose hair?
Yeah, I have way too much of the stuff.
* Has a quick look * You don't have that much.
But for my age....?
Do you pluck?
Oh aye, I pluck like a demon but it hurts like fuck!
Have you considered getting a strimmer?
Is that what they call them?
Think so.
Well of course I've considered getting one from... where would you get a nose strimmer from?
Dunno, Argos I'd imagine.
With my luck when ordering aforementioned strimmer I'd be served by the most beutiful woman to have ever worked in Argos.
Yup, sods law.
More like always-looking-like-a-twat-at-the-worst-possible-moment law.
I think sods law is a bit punchier.
And then of course there's always the worry that Im plucking/strimming too much thereby dammaging my nose.
How often do you service your hooter?
Every other day.
Christ on a bike.
Too much?
I'd say.
How often do you prune your schnozz?
I'd don't know, maybe once a month?
Fuck indeed. By the time you're forty you'll have ropes coming down.
Shitting hell, do you think I could get electrolysis for my conk on the NHS?
I doubt it.
Hmmmm, maybe I could just do it myself with a tazer?
Are you suggesting tasering yourself in the neb?
What's the alternative?
Growing a mustache.
... Fuck it, im buying a tazer.

Labels: , , , , ,

Wednesday, February 21, 2007 

The Touch

Do you know anything about massages?
Not really, apart from that you put you're hands on someone and move them about.
Yeah, that's as far as my knowledge goes as well. Bollocks.
Why? What's up?
Well, I've been giving my girlfriend massages recently and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
But I told her I was once a semi-professional masseur.
Oh, nice touch with the 'semi-professional'. Makes it sound believable.
Thanks. Anyway, she's recently started getting these bad back aches.
And I've told her she should see a professional masseur.
But of course....
She thinks I'm a professional. Or a semi one at any rate.
How bad are these bad back aches?
If I give her one more massage I'm going to remove her ability to walk upright.
Yeah, I'm in something a of a predicament, I either blow my cover, revealing I'm full of shit or I cripple my girlfriend. Tricky.
Well, if she does end up in wheel chair... of which we've only actually got your fraudulent professional opinion that that's going to happen, wouldn't your cover be blown anyway?
It's a shame we don't live in a time where you can get a pair of RoboCop type legs.
... ?
Well, she could always attach/detach them as she fancied.
I can't remember the scene where RoboCop detached his legs.
It's probably somewhere in the extras.
I'd just come clean now while you can.
He definitely had a jet pack at some point. That'd be cool, a hovering girlfriend.
You'll soon have no girlfriend at all. Hovering or otherwise.
Ah, I've cracked it. I've bloody well cracked it! What I'll do right...
Right... is have a look tonight, go 'Oh my god! You've got a swelling in the delta quadrant! I'll need to refer you to a specialist and will be no longer able to perform massages on you myself as that quadrant was never covered in my training'. Hows that?
Very semi-professional.
I hope you'll take away from this the lesson that you should never pretend to be something you're not.
You'd have thought so, but if Im still fibbing after that incident in 03 when I said I was a heart surgeon... that lesson will probably never sink in.
Hmm, never completely. Have you seen Jessica since?
I did actually. Last year in town. I was trying to tell her about that amazing convention I went to where I head butted Wesley Crusher but she was all 'waaah, waaah, my dead sister, waaaah, waaah'. As if there wasn't a very likely chace she'd have died anyway.
Yeah, some people can never really live in reality can they?

Wednesday, February 07, 2007 

Tricks And Traps

If you had unlimited resources for one ultimate booby trap in your home, what would you opt for?
Oh now that's a good one.
Yeah I know, I'm pumped thinking about it. Try this on for size...
Go on.
A camouflaged pit in the floor. When an intruder falls through it they land on a duvet soaked in chloroform which would subdue them instantly. How's that for awesome?
That's good put it's not really making best use of your unlimited resources is it? Kevin Mcalister could whip that up.
Well I thought about something more grandiose like a huge boulder ala Indiana Jones but it wouldn't really be practical for the flat.
I've just thought of something that would A) kick ass and B) not take up much space.
I'm all ears.
I'd have a system of invisible lasers set up throughout the house which in turn are connected to a large number of web shooters mounted on the walls. If anyones stupid enough to pass through a said laser they get their their shit webbed up pronto.
That does kick ass but how about a series of mechanical arms that hold an intruder down and then tickles them? That beats your webs because it not only immobilizes the subject but also makes the immobilisation uncomfortable.
What? You think being webbed is comfortable?
Compared to being tickled? Yes. Being tickled would drive me fucking spare.
Fuck your mechanical arms...
Wow, that's some weird mental imagery.
... because I've got an even better idea.
Lets have it.
You have one of those teleporters like off Star Trek right?
Right? Which sends the intruder where? To the police station? Yawn-o-fucking-rama mate.
No it doesn't send them to the police station. It sends them to a specially prepared cell, which has ten ultra violent, mutant Orangutans in it.
.... ... Mutant?
Yeah, they've got laser vision.
Whoa. With something like that I'd almost... almost feel bad for an intruder/burglar.

Monday, February 05, 2007 

Whedon On Wonder No More

Did you hear that Joss Whedon is no longer making the Wonder Woman movie?
Yeah I did actually, a bit weird that.
I'm annoyed as I was excited at the thought of a Wonder Woman film.
Really? I like Whedon as much as the next man but 'Wonder Woman : The Movie' sounds kinda boring to me.
Boring! It's going to be badass and if the studio is still in need of someone to fill Whedons shoes I'd happily jump in and take over.
Oh yeah? How would you make it so badass? Sell it to me.
Well I'd set her up being made out of clay and then trained to be an Amazonian warrior...
Through the magic of the montage.
Yeah the montage would factor into it, while explaining about the golden lariat and how shes linked to the gods...
You know what? This does sound boring.
Hang on I'm getting to the good stuff. So anyway, everything will be set up with Wondy while evils afoot in the shape of Hades and Ares who launch an invasion of Paradise Island.
Why what?
Why are they invading Paradise Island?
God knows, their evil, it's their job.
Okay, carry on.
Thanks, so you've Hades legions of hell equipped with gnarly shit from Ares banging heads with the Amazons, meaning you've got these beautiful, athletic women hacking and slashing skeletons and monsters to bits.
I'm liking it.
I thought you would. So the Amazons are doing well but they're being overcome by superior numbers.
Bastard. What then?
Well Wonder Woman's mum...
Yeah that's her, she tells Wondy about this badass weapon which is the islands only hope of overcoming these evil hordes aaaaaaand Wondy is the only one who can get it, it's her birthright or whatever.
Whats the weapon?
Doesn't matter, I'm thinking a sword myself although it is a little phallic and cliched.
People like phallic and cliched, so it's a quest?
More like a race against time. The Amazons defences can only hold off the evil aggressors for two days tops. In which time she must travel to the island containing aforesaid weapon, overcome challenges therein...
Yeah, like topple a giant, overcome a mystical trap or two, I'm really going for a Sinbad kinda feel here.
Ah, I get ya, cool.
Eventually she gets the weapon, returns with said weapon and whoops the bad guys asses.
What actually happens to Ares and Hades?
She scissor kicks Ares in the head and knees Hades in the junk, forcing their retreat but possible return in any possible sequels.
Actually... I'd go see that.
A thank you.

Labels: , , , ,

Saturday, February 03, 2007 

Familiar And Shit

God, have you heard that song by those two girl bands?
Oh yeah, it is fucking horrendous.
Yeah, it's so terrible I might blog about it.
Oh you have a blog?
Yeah, I don't do much these days but im going to have to write/type about how shit that song is.
That might not be the wisest move.
Why not?
Well that song is for charity so...
Bollocks, their immune to critique.
Exactly, if you say their shit then you're going to be an evil bastard.
Dammit, this is Lenny Henry all over again. For every African saved by comic relief you have a person subjected to shite entertainment.
Yeah, you have b-list, untalented 'celebs' being seen as these great selfless people when you know they're getting their face in to promote themselves.
It would be an idea to phone in, donate and say 'I would donate more if I didn't have to see Graham Norton'.
Something I hate about charity songs is when they mangle really good songs with being shit covers.
Yeah, bad enough they're so shit but why not do something original and shit? People should still buy it for charity and you'd have classics preserved.
Some might say you've got warped priorties but I can't help but agree with you.

About me

  • I'm The Wanted Man
  • Im like Superman without the super. With a head cold. Confused? Me too.
My profile

Blogs & Sites I Like

Geeky Stuff

Do you think the Flintstones and the Rubbles ever did a bit of wife swapping?
Yes! They were a right set of dirty fuckers
I bet the lads would have done but the ladies wouldn't hear of it
No! Don't be so fucking sick
Free polls from Pollhost.com
This is a Flickr badge showing public photos from the_man_that_is_wanted. Make your own badge here.
Powered by Blogger
and Blogger Templates