Are you up to the test!?

There probably won't be much resembling a post for a while, im sure you'll find a way to go on without me.

Before I go, have you heard about this new computer based P.E course they're doing in America!? I wish that had existed back when I was in high school, I was a fucking legend on Speedball 2, I could have got an A+ easy.

If your surname was Small, would you call where you live Smallville?

I know I would.

E-Mail is THE way to communicate today. I love e-mail. No change that, I fucking love e-mail. It's so cool and instantaneous, also, with it's expanding use in not just the business world but also the day to day interaction of people it's allowing for greater opportunities of avoiding our fellow man.

E-mail has made phone calls obsolete. Who wants to ring someone up? No one, not really. What people want to do is either talk to the person face to face, e-mail them or not contact them at all. I don't like phone calls, unless its with someone I know really well (like my parole officer) otherwise they're just frustrating. I watched a fascinating film on human interaction, it was called Hitch, in it the Fresh Prince of Bell-Air explains that the majority of human communication is in body language or possibly that its ok to be dorky and fat if you're mega rich, something like that, im not sure, I was keeping my eyes peeled for a Jazzy Jeff cameo that never came, what a wasted opportunity.

Phone calls blow, if they're short and to the point they're bearable, if for instance you phone up your local take-away and order a pizza its ok, you communicate something, the other guy is cool with it, boom, that's it, done, just sit back and wait for your pizza, also it might be a good idea to get together some cash.
When it's long winding conversations and your in the middle of something there's nothing worse, when was the last time someone rang you up and they actually asked if you were busy? Everyone seems to have this preconceived idea that you'll be thrilled that they rang you, well it aint fucking so.

While im on the topic of how phones suck, what's the deal with answering machines these days, specifically leaving messages. I can count on one hand the number of times someone has left a useful message and im not asking for much, 'Errr, this is Jeff, calling about Lost', that would be fantastic, I'd know who rang and have an idea about what they wanted to talk about, how amazing would that be! But no, every message is just the sound of someone hanging up, was what they were calling about of such little importance that they couldn't leave a sentence to sum it up? Probably.

You know what else e-mail has made obsolete? Fax. Fax is the demon of the Office world, it's this undead monstrosity which does its utmost to cause suffering to the living. I would take a baseball bat to every fax machine in the world if I could. The amount of times I've stumbled round an office looking for a fax machine or had to find a roll of paper for one, or an ink cartridge, or set one going only to find out what you've got is a phone number not a fax number so you're going to have to stop it and start over, all that shit warrants a fucking genocide. If it were up to me I would establish death camps for fax machines.

E-Mail is the future, you heard it here first (probably not, but humour me). Although it's not all sunshine as you know, there are a few flaws that could do with addressing.

First off, those goddamn chain e-mails 'If you send this to 10 people you'll be happy and have a good marriage and other bullshit whereas if you don't your soul will burn for all eternity'.
Grow. The. Fuck. Up.
I've never thought I'd see anything more pathetic and idiotic as the chain letter until the day I saw the first chain e-mail, it's people that send chain e-mails that think that fax machines are still useful tools, well there's only one tool in this scenario, yeah that's right, the douches themselves.

Virus e-mails, these goddamn e-mails that virgins who don't have any friends, who live in a basement or a loft with nothing to do send on mass to wreck peoples computers, these suck more balls that Lindsay Lohan looking for a crack fix (I've seen pictures of her recently, you know as well as I do that she's on something). Have you ever noticed how people warn you about virus e-mails that you never come into contact with? What's more irritating is the 'advice' you get from some people 'Hey, if you get an e-mail saying 'I'd love my computer to be ruined' don't open it! They're saying on the radio that its really bad, you should just delete it'. Thanks for the early warning there Mr.Wizard.

E-mails selling shit, if I'd purchased something from every e-mail selling me something, by now I'd have about a million automatic garage doors, traveled more places than Willy Fog and would be working in porn, oh, and I'd have run up enough debt that the Mafia would have to invent a new form of torture to inflict on me.

I still get e-mails from American Express just because I once watched those Seinfeld and Superman commercials... Damn they were enjoyable.

Apart from those few moans and groans E-Mail is tops, everything I've mentioned above can really be stopped by just starting a new e-mail for important stuff (chatting to friends and buying DVD's). E-Mail has saved my sanity in the work place, as well as allowing me to make some purchases I'd never have had the energy to muster on a walk to the shop.

So I salute you E-mail, im sure you will prevail for generations to come or until something replaces you.

Instead of delivering something resembling a post, I've been whiling away my time watching TV, listening to music and hardcore procrastinating.

Here are a few things that have come to mind while I've been unable to sleep -

* There's been a spring of muggings on iPod owners, thieves recognise the white head phones and know how much these gadgets are worth. Im chuffed to bits with this bit of news, all those trendy bastards are getting the kind of violence I've always wished to bestow on them.

* A 12 year old student had her face slashed open by another 12 year old student recently, is it me or are kids fucking animals these days? What's wrong with a good punch in the face?

* Public urination is something we've all had to engage in at one time or another but walking through the city the other night I saw enough instances of it to last a lifetime. I wish I could point the finger at one gender or another but both seem to be as bad as each other, I think there's a need for more public toilets.

* Pink Floyd is awesome! Could 'Comfortably Numb' be the greatest song ever?

* With it being half term this week all the cinemas I go to will be packed with screaming kids. Parents have no control over their children these days and no one has the balls to deal with them, this means im not going to be able to enjoy a film at the cinema unless I go at 1 in the morning, what a drag.

* Is lack of sleep a good enough excuse for being late for work? And for that matter, will it be a good enough excuse for not doing a post tomorrow? Probably not *sigh* okay, tomorrow I'll rant about something in usual form, until then.

'I'd be disgusted by a woman who had any kind of life before she met me.' - Braggy

Watch this space, a new post will be coming soon.

Before we start there's two things I want to get straight, firstly, that mentalist is a real word because I use it ergo it measures up to all requirements for being real, secondly, I define someone as a stalker when they start obtaining information about someone that that person would not have been willing to give out.

There are a lot of levels of stalkerdom (another real word) so its important to understand what im talking about, at some point we've all had some attraction or interest in someone which is pretty much based on nothing and we've never persuade it, unless you've persuade every single person (in which case your super confident and I hate you) or your a robot (in which case your a metal killing machine and I fear you).

So just to expand on my earlier definition, it's okay to see someone and say 'Hey, what's that persons name' because im sure that person is okay with someone knowing their name, it is however wrong to find out the names of that persons siblings and parents on the internet (or whatever else kids use these days) because that's a little too much info for a stranger to have.

I don't understand stalking, I don't think I'll ever understand or heaven forbid engage in it because I am a deeply lazy person. If awoke one morning and was told that the love of my life was sun bathing in my front garden I probably wouldn't get round to investigating until some time in the afternoon. Case in point, I turned down a girls invite to see her this weekend because I'd become too attached to the plan of watching movies and reading comic books. It's this laziness which will probably lead to me dying alone but that's for another blog.

So why do people stalk? Now a quite well known branch of stalking which I want to dimiss quickly is the ex-stalking, now this again breaks down into categories but im not talking about those divorced wives or husbands who are always harping on about who their one time spouse is now fucking. Im talking about guys or girls (guys mostly in my experience) who were going out with someone, they break up and then they become totally obsessed with them, they keep their photo in their wallet, keep tabs on who their seeing, what their doing and this in my opinion is possibly the most fucking pathetic kind of stalkerdom because its just a simple case of someones inability to let go. I know it can hurt like a kick in the balls but just because you used to have sex with someone doesn't mean you have a right to a part in their lives forever more.

Also people who are scarily obsessed with celebrities are of low level concern because really they know that they'll never meet this person, they're not harboring any deep seated illusion that one day they'll be married and all that jazz. They just need to turn off their computers and get out into the world and meet people .

Now the type of stalking which I want to discuss, where the true mentalists reside in the levels of stalkerdom is with people who become totally obsessed with someone based off one sighting or possibly conversation and when I say obsessed I mean this person suddenly dominates every aspect of their lives. Its guys like these that make women so wary of guys in general, next time you meet one of these guys punch him in the face, no doubt at some point in your life you've missed out on spending time with a woman because shes had to put with shit from some mentalist or recently heard a story of said mentalist shit from one of her friends.
Are you starting to get the picture on why these guys suck so much?

Now some stalkers that I've known of, have been succesful, out going, even somewhat good looking people, you wouldn't think they'd need to stalk someone but of course we are over looking the most important part about these stalkers they're mentalists.

Some activities of hard core mentalists (please not im referring to a stalkers victim as, well, a victim) are :

* Will keep a record of every time they've seen their 'victim' and will know location, time and outfit worn exactly.

* Start a website about 'victim'.

* Will know where 'victim' lives and make it a habit of passing by there on a regular basis and again will take note of even the most mundane detail

* Will have an encyclopedic knowledge of the 'victim' her likes, her dislikes, her family history, her favourite colour, you name it, he knows it.

So really they show far more attention and concern than an actual boyfriend (I tried not to pick on one gender here but after a while I figured 'Who am I kidding?') ever would. I don't hate stalkers, apart from like the mega level ones even though I told you to punch them, they're basically people who don't have the nerve to act on their feelings.

What gets me is how ingrained in society this is now, I've met a lot of women who had or do have a stalker, one woman I used to know actually used to go for drinks with her stalker from time to time when she had nothing else to do, apparently he was a good looking guy with a good job. When I asked her why she didn't just go out with him her response was 'No bloody way, he's a stalker'.

You get that guys? Your doing no one any favours, your putting the woman off yourself and other guys, so don't just think about yourself but also how unwilling shes going to be to go out with anyone else if you mess up her mind.

Also I guarantee that if you are stalking someone and have friends (higher level stalkers don't have friends) they are sick to death of your whole stalking thing and are probably avoiding you now. That's something that's yet to be addressed in society, friends of stalkers, decent people who are friends with people who happen to stalk and what they have to go through. It's not fun.

So in summation, if your trying to get over someone, fucking do it and leave the person alone, move on, your better than the shit your pulling at the moment and as for you hardcore stalkers, mentalists, go out, do social things, get a hobby, you don't have to validate yourself through someone else life, you don't need them, your just projecting some idealised partner bullshit onto them due to some ingrained emotional disorder and I know it sucks to learn this on some nobodies blog but its still the truth.

And on behalf of my gender to all women that have had to put up with shit from a male stalker, my apologies.

I was going to do another 'What have I been up to?' but seeing as how I haven't actually done anything im going to give some mini reviews to films I've recently had the fortune or misfortune of seeing. I have seen plenty of films recently but Im only doing a few because im lazy.

Quite a lengthy title I know but coming up with a clever title is so annoying and if it takes you too long it strikes you as the most pointless exercise you can ever undertake, apart from jogging, run you fuckers or walk! There is no middle ground!

Okay so it's hard to discern if someone is a decent human being and its even harder to do so judging by their attire, apart from some golden rules like 'anyone sporting a 'popped' collar is a twat' but apart from those rare few exceptions everything is uncertain territory.

Now there exists something called a 'Band T-Shirt' which in theory is for people to wear who like a specific band but really it's worn so the wearer can let other people know that they like that specific band or if it's from a specific gig, so the wearer can let people know that they went to that gig.

Still with me? Now today I saw someone wearing a Coldplay t-shirt, now this says either 'Im a miserable bastard with no taste in music' or 'I had nothing left in my house to wear that was clean'. Not good things to be saying to people really but at least we now know the score.

Later on someone came in wearing a Linkin Park t-shirt that wasn't 14 or younger, can you guess what this says? For those of you who can't it says 'Im emotionally and socially retarded'. Hopefully by now your getting an idea of how people thinking they look good in a band t-shirt are actually giving you advanced warning about them, we'll try a few others.

Brand new U2 t-shirt = 'I haven't go the sense to realise they've gone shit' or 'Im over 40', if the wearer is in fact not over 40 then it says 'Im a sad bastard'.

Trivium = Now you see this one is quite clever, as I looked it up and trivium in Latin actually means 'Twat', quite clever how they hit you with that twice.

Any band I think is awesome - 'I like awesome music' if its faded it means 'I've liked awesome music for quite a while'.

So I hope your now slightly more well equipped in an awkward situation when your talking to someone wearing a Slipknot hoodie, for those who still haven't caught on, this situation = you don't have to give a second thought to anything this person says as they're a total prick.
Right, now to find my Avril Lavigne t-shirt (= I fancy fit Canadians).

Unbeknownst to most of you out there I've been looking for a miniature sidekick for quite a while and the closing date for applications ended without a single reply to the advert I put up in the window of my local post office. Imagine my surprise when I was woken in the middle of the night by the phone ringing, upon answering it I was gruffly informed 'I'll will see you tomorrow about the sidekick position!' by a mysterious caller who then hung up.

Sure enough an applicant arrived today, a Mr.Vegeta from the planet Vegeta! Very exciting. Hello Vegeta. That's Prince Vegeta to you human scum. Oh dear, I think we've got off on the wrong foot. Have you brought along your CV? I would not waste my time upon such trifling thing. Oh well the ad did clearly state.... I am the greatest in the Universe, surely those are qualifications enough. Greatest in the Universe? Yes there are none mightier than I. What about Goku, Frieza, Cooler, Cell, Buu or Baby? Haven't they all defeated you in the past? Flukes! Every last one of them, I am Vegeta, lord of the Saiyans, the greastest warrior who has ever lived. *I doubt that*.

So how was your commute in? I flew, like a true Saiyan would. Wow, who did you fly with? Virgin, EasyJet? Of course not imbecile, I flew under my own power. *Me thinks Vegeta is a bit mental* So do you have any family? Yes, but I do not like them. Oh dear, problems at home.? Indeed, but when I move in here I'll have my own space away from them.

You move in here permanently? Where would you sleep? Well I'd have the bed and you could have the settee. You'll have to greatly impress me in this interview Vegeta! Impress you I will. I must say im impressed with your hair, how long do you have to gel it in the morning? Only 3 or 4 hours. Oh, bit of a ball ache that. True, but its worth it. *It really is*.

Okay, moving past that, what would your articles be about? Well, obviously plenty about myself, such as 'How Vegeta is better than Goku', 'Vegeta, better than God?' and 'How your life is incomplete without Vegeta in it', just to give you an idea. Or possibly more technical articles 'How the Galet Gun is superior to the Kame Hame Ha'. So only articles that people who watched Dragonball Z or GT would understand. Yes that would be correct. Hmmm, you see here on TITGIMB we deal more with rants about idiots, sales people, top people to go drinking with, things or that nature. Well as my sidekick I'd soon put an end to that kind of foolishness. My sidekick? The position is as MY sidekick Vegeta. You would have Vegeta working for a lowly human, this is an outrage! *At this point Mr.Vegeta lunged at me and was escorted from the premises, his wife later rang aplogising for letting him leave the house unsupervised*

That didn't go exactly as planned, who would have thought placing an ad for a miniature sidekick would bring out the weirdos? Oh well, it was a nice change of pace as im used to being on my lonesome here at the blog. Maybe someday I'll find a sidekick who is somewhat stable.

I feel supremley shitty today, the only thing which has restrained me so far from unleashing some biblical whoop ass on some cretins is my little Flash toy which I have perched in the testing centre, whenever I look at him he calms me down with his cheeky smile, but when anyone gives him a derisive look as if to say 'Do you know you've got a fucking toy in this room!?', I feel like grabbing Flash and ramming him down their fucking throat until their death or at the very least an apology for being such a judgmental fuckwit.

I haven't gone through my usual getting ready in the morning routine (its what a regular person has, so back the fuck off if you've got any snide opinions) so im feeling less than totally fresh, and all these goons come out of the wood work with their perfect hair and perfect teeth, they look they've come straight from one of those fucking adverts for Dorritos. God I hate those, them simpering degenerates who pull faces and try and be funny while making you nauseous, they act like butter wouldn't melt but you just know they've all sucked so much cock to be in those adverts that they're parents are deeply ashamed of them. Anyway yeah, I hate how fucking smug they are at how perfect they are while I look like I should be selling the big issue, well fuck them.

My deepest hate goes towards people who come to the centre in groups, I can abide up to threes but beyond that they get nothing but my uttermost contempt, and im not afraid to tell them as such. They are always the most smiling/simpering kind who always shoot these kinda knowing looks to each other when all they really know is how to be cowardly fucks, honestly in my eyes their just weak willed and pathetic and should die before anyone else has to suffer them.

It may be me but I could swear most of these people look the same, they all dress the same and do their hair the same way so when they say 'Geee, don't you remember me? I was in last week, tee hee hee', I can't help but want to reply 'If you developed a sense of individuality or personal style to separate you from all the other smug asshats that come through this door you may become somewhat memorable you fucking sheep'.

Damm it feels good to get that off my chest, I'd feel better if it weren't for the fact that the arseholes made me turn off the fans as 'air was getting in their face' so we all have to boil together making me feel ranker than I already do. Soon though they shall return to wherever they've come from and I can go home, get drunk and remove this working day from my memory, damm, that'll be sweet.

Okay, so I went to a gig last night, I've enjoyed every gig I've ever been to, even the ones I don't remember but this one was very enjoyable, you could say it kicked ass.

I shook hands with a guy from a band called Army of Freshman, im not sure if they're any good because I didn't hear them but due to the fact that I met one of the band im going to say they're awesome.

Had a few pints, got myself a band t-shirt (which im wearing right now), the bands rocked and on top of that the last band put on an interesting show with an inflatable sheep, what more can you ask for?

* Theres been a little gap in posts but any keen readers of the blog should know that my computer is currently with PC world, hopefully my jail time for downloading dubious albums and manga will be brief *

Okay, I like to get drunk and on occasion I like to do a bit of socialising, especially with strangers. So being a young person you'd think 'Oh, he must like clubbing then.', well you'd be wrong, because the fact is that im not a complete wanker.

Where to start with reasons for clubbing = shite? Hmmm, im going to have to go with dancing. Dancing is pathetic, to quote a great man;

'Dancing makes me envy cripples.'

Truer words have never been spoken, now there's classic dancing like foxtrot and the like, then that bad ass break dancing where people flip about on the floor and there's made up shite that people expose others to when drunk. Im sure you all know which type of dancing occurs at clubs.

Secondly, drinks in clubs cost around 3 times more than in the real world, why is this? Hmmmm, I can only put it down to some kind of wanker tax. I am of course over looking the ridiculous waiting time at the bar to get served, oh wait, no im not, it sucks.

Oops, I've totally skipped over some annoying things that can happen when trying to get into a club;
If your footwear is not to the bouncers liking, your not getting in.
If your not prepared to spend the best part of a tenner at the door, your not getting in.
If your in too large a group, your not getting in.
If your kind of young looking and aren't a female dressed like a whore, your not getting in.
Oh and if your wearing any kind of jacket/coat you'll want to put it in the clubs cloakroom, so there's another quid to spend there and another long queue.

Lets say you've managed to get in to the club unscathed with all your party (Or did you got out clubbing on your own you loser?), apart from the dancing and the overpriced drinks your going to have a great time, or are you?

Some random shit that has happened to people I know while out clubbing;

* While on the dance floor one of my friends felt a sharp pain in their back, they ran their hand over their back and pulled out a needle with the message 'Welcome to the HIV club' attached.
* A few friends were minding their own when they were suddenly forced out out onto a landing by a gang of bouncers and all patted down for drugs.
* A friend was thrown down a flight of stairs by a bouncer and then the bouncer and his bouncer mates proceeded to give him a good kicking, all of which was dished out for pretty much nothing.
* Another friend was nearly finger sodomised on the dance floor, she gave the bloke a good hiding but still not very pleasant.

I could go on but I think I've made my point, clubbing sucks, don't buy into this bullshit pass time due to peer pressure.

Especially don't go clubbing to 'pull', I've had a few dubious encounters while clubbing and pretty much regret all of them. I've yet to meet any female of substance while out clubbing, im not saying she doesn't exist but in a club, what odds have you of finding her?

Im pretty sure at some point you are going to ignore my sage like advice and try out the clubbing scene, so here's my advice, keep relatively sober (you can still walk and talk), don't try an alcoholic beverage you haven't tried before and try to keep with your party for as long as possible.

Oh, if your a shortish woman and approached by a gentleman known as 'Mike the Bike', don't worry, he's perfectly safe.

Went to see Serenity at the cinema this Friday and what a treat it was. Joss Whedon finally gets to make a movie on his own terms and it's amazing. So good was it that im planning a return trip to the cinema, seeing something twice at the cinema is very rare for me. Okay, I admit it, I went to see Wedding Crashers twice, but that was hilarious.
This film will most likely make my 'top 5 films of 2005', so you better go see it, and see it at the cinema you should because if this film does well at the box office then there's a likelihood for more Firefly movies, so get down to your cinema now or face my wrath!

Hey, just had a sudden thought after seeing a lame commercial. What if Tony Blair had never shagged that bony, minging gloryhound?
I think most people call her Cherie, im not even going to acknowledge what a dubious name Cherie is, the name given to a child by pretentious adults with little common sense and too much money.

What I really hate about Cherie is this smug air she always has about her, like that mother of that kid in your class who could half decently play a violin. I was always hoping that kid would develop a drug habit and sell the violin just to get another fix, that way removing that stupid fucking perma-grin off her face.

Why do we care what Cherie Blair has to say? Okay, she's touched Tonys penis at least a few times, but I doubt she's the only person at Downing street that's done that.

So Cherie, you glorified whore, your not the British equivalent of Hilary Clinton, your the posh equivalent of a common slapper, get off my TV now.

Okay suckers I've not got the time for a full on rant so this a quickie to put you on, like a packet of crisps before your tea, prepare yourselves.

Who the fuck decided to put up the Christmas lights in Leeds at the start of October?

Well they were utter twats, that's for sure, I want to fool at least myself that its still summer but its pretty hard with fucking stars and st.nicks and other such shite hanging from lamp posts and any free bit of space Leeds city council can find.

What really riles is me is the mentality that there's nothing else now to look forward to in the year but its end, and these are the same asshats who will later turn round and go 'Oh, didn't the year just fly by?'. Yes you fucker because you wished at least a quarter of it away!! Fuckers.

Then there's the whole 'turning on the lights', what an utter load of shite. They'll drag Rolf Harris from his crypt or some Big Brother reject or possibly a worn out boy band member, if so, odds are that it will be the gay one. It makes my blood boil, and what's worse are those asshats who come up to you and are all like 'Oh, I was there for the turning on of the lights'. Well done, you've just proven your life is pretty empty.

Right, I guess im going to have start wearing a big heavy coat now, thanks a fucking bunch.

*Warning this post is pretty sick*

Okay I only just remembered this about an hour ago and it made me actually laugh out loud, it was this crazy thing that was on TV last night, you'll probably think I made it up but I've got to share this with someone.

So im flipping through the channels and there's this guy in his living room, he's oldish and I figure it must be about the rise in taxes, he can't afford heating or something like that but then he starts going about his sex drive and im just bemused, then the guy says he has a sex doll.

Okay, the guys like nearly seventy, you know when you hear something unexpected and for a minute your frozen to the spot, well that was me. So the guys going on about fucking this doll and he's using those words that perverts use to try and not sound like perverts, such as 'excited', 'insert', 'facilitate' etc... You get the idea so then he blows my mind once more by asking the camera crew if they want to see it, Christ, they follow him up these stairs to this bed room and there's this doll which is spookily life like, kind looked like a dead body and he's got this immense system of ropes and pulleys THAT DIDN'T COME WITH THE DOLL, he just figured if he's going to be fucking a doll he's going to do it in style.

This isn't even the craziest part, next he's giving us a dry run of what he does with the doll, like he's altering all these ropes and shit and explaining how certain positions are more life like, he actually lifts one of the dolls legs and he's like imitating the position of fucking this doll, all the time he's got a total straight face, I was in tears at this point. The camera crew are starting to back of into the hallway, you know, they're making a vain effort to distance themselves from this shit but in a way I could relate to where they were coming from, they want to get away but they couldn't take their eyes off this spectacle.

So at this point I can hardly breath with laughter, he's still fully clothed but he's got this dolls legs open and he's giving us a running commentary of what he usually get up to, all the way through this he's kept using all these polite words never once saying anything actually graphic. But this is where it got golden for me, to quote the guy;

'... so at this point before finishing, I would usually extract myself and come round to the side, now this is a feature most people don't usually take advantage off, the doll has excellent hands which I put to good use, I think its amazing for err..... stroking my bollocks.'

Now that's comic gold, this dude should have his own show or something, just that minute slip where he reveals the dirty bastard he is.

The rest that I watched was a bit dull in comparison, he was going on about how he took pictures of himself fucking the doll and then put someone's head on the doll via photoshop. I mean, I kinda feel sorry for the guy because he's incredibly horny and no women wants to sleep with him but can you honestly picture what his grandchildren must be like.

Anyways, I've shared my bizarre experience, now to find his blog.....

Very late last night the news reached me that Ronnie Barker had died, I used to love the guy on the Two Ronnies and like most people I grew up watching Porridge and Open All Hours.
From what I understand the guy was always a consummate professional and a true gentleman, so long Ronnie, we'll miss you.

I just like to take this opportunity while im a being a little serious to pay my respects to a few other dudes that the world is now less with their absence. Some of these men have been gone a long while but I'd still like to say goodbye.

Rodney Dangerfield - When I found out he'd died it hurt like a kick in the gut, and when I think about him it still does, I don't think we'll ever see another man like him.

Will Eisner - An amazing man who put something amazing into the world. I could talk about his career but better men than myself have already done so.

Bill Hicks - He was taken from us too soon, he knew the truth and wasn't afraid to say it. Possibly the last true preacher. Wherever you are Bill, I hope I'll bump into you someday.

With respect.

Finally getting the Varieties on the phone they confirmed that indeed the comedy night I was going to had been cancelled. On getting home I found a letter they had sent to me to let know 'in advance' about the night being cancelled, it was dated the 3rd of October, yeah, thanks for that whole couple of hours notice.

The Varieties is a concert hall which are always moaning on that they are going to have to close down and when you consider the half ass way they operate you've got to wonder if perhaps it's not a bad idea.

They get some of the best comedians/acts in the City but they never put any adverts past the bloody back alley from which they operate. Pubs and bars all around Leeds do very well with stand up nights but for some reason the Varieties can't fill seats.

The thing that really bugs me is that if was in charge of the place with their money and reputation, I could fill seats, easily. I'd put up posters advertising cheap comedy nights, awesome musical events and plays, dropping names and putting up ads were suitable. The Varieties think they deserve to do well due to their reputation and the fact they've been around a long time, bullshit, you've got to stay fresh and available to the public or you'll be dropped like the dead weight you are.

I feel bad about lashing out at the Varieties to a degree due to the good times I've had there but when I consider their dingy toilets, the absence of reasonable leg space, a website that gets updated every ace age and on top of that, making me look forward to something and then taking it away, well, a big up yours City Varities, you suck balls.

Don't worry I haven't forgotten about the City Varities (shakes fist) but I've just realised that its been a week today since the inception of this blog (it feels much longer) and there's some people I'd just like to say thanks to or just hey.

*To my sister who is totally awesome and knows everything, thanks for, well... everything. She seems to think that us going to Pizza Hut is blog worthy so goddam it, im putting it in the blog!

-Me and my sister went to Pizza Hut, we got a free serving of chicken wings and I think between us we ran their Pepsi and Fanta taps dry. Oh, and we were told there'd be a twenty minute wait for a table and it was more like 2 minutes, im sure that dude was only telling people that to dissuade them from coming in, just so he could have a quiet day. A group of girls were celebrating someone's birthday and it was mental, lights were turned off people were blindfolded, there was a lot of shouting and confusion, kinda like a interrogation in many ways but with pizza.
Hmmmm, that was more interesting than I thought it was going to be.

* To the nutter at weirdiswonderful.blogspot.com and Rodney Wallace for both linking their blogs to mine, thank you, I don't deserve it.

* To the writing crew at PIC for giving me the inspiration to start blogging.

* To anyone who left a comment on my blogs, even if you were just advertising your own site, be it motor parts or penis enlargement therapy, you make it look like I've got more readers than I do, thanks.

* To Katie for having the patience and understanding to listen to me moan on and then give good advice, thanks again.

* To Michelle for sending me a picture of a giant alligator, im sure you meant well.

* And lest I forget, a big thank you to all who turned up for my quiet birthday celebrations, as well as card senders and well wishers, I appreciate you all.

It's not yet confirmed but it looks like the comedy night I was going to tonight maybe cancelled, if this is the case I will do a post about how City Varities suck balls.

No im not talking about the Arthur Miller play, I literally want some sales people to die, hopefully a lot of them, hopefully involving a trident.

The other day I was chilling out, getting nicely drunk and listening to Johnny Cash when the phone rings, annoyed I get up and answer the phone 'Hello, im from dip shit marketing and I want to waste an hour of your time with graded questions', im a nice guy if you haven't figured so my reply was 'Actually im pretty drunk right now' and I proceed to hang up but as im pulling the phone away from my ear I hear (hey that rhymes!) 'Thats okay, your information is still important to us'.

Are you getting that, they want the information from drunk people!!!! There's been a boardroom meeting where some asshat has said 'Yeah keep them on the phone even if they're drunk', is nothing sacred to these people!!!!?????'. That's why adverts suck balls now, they're getting feedback from people who are off their heads.

My friend was moving home, she's hauling this TV to her car when this creep walking down the street starts trying to sell her broadband, going off on all these offers, number one he's ignoring the fact she struggling like hell to open her car door while holding a TV and number two he's ignoring the fact she's leaving house with a big SOLD sign. Honestly what a goddam tool, she tells him she's gota go and he tells her he'll be back tomorrow, tomorrow she's living somewhere else but that doesn't deter the guy, crazy.

In a similar vein, one time im walking through Leeds, this fairly cute girl says hello so I stop walking, obviously. She goes off on this whole thing about being an organ donor, im running late as it is to meet some friends, I apologise tell her I gota meet people and she yells after me 'You could have an accident on your way there!', jesus, thanks for that. Why do the find the worst people to deal with the public.

The worst time ever has to be while back, I was watching an amazing episode of Sailor Moon and the phone goes and its this guy after some dude who sold his soul to these scum years ago but was wise enough to move home, they always ring me always, so anyways I go ballistic telling them he doesn't live here, take him off whatever list you've got, including this phone number or im going to get those watchdog guys on you. The next day some other cretin phones asking for the guy, I could literally choke the life out of this person if they were in the room.

And what's worse than when those goddam 'cold callers' ring at work, you tell the to go screw themselves, your boss hears and your in all this trouble, geez, you can't win. These asshats are stealing your work time, you'd think people would be happy you were defending it so strongly.

So in summation, if your one of these people who disturb people in the hopes of selling them something or getting some info from them, you serve no function in the world and should kill yourself.

Now that, that was enjoyable.

You know I was out drinking Friday night and you know I saw the hilarious Deuce Bigalow yesterday, but apart from that, what have I been up to? I know your all dying to know and I think it should make for some interesting reading. And yes, I have run out of ideas.

- Saturday morning I found a flyer in my pocket for a 'fantasy night' at a stripclub which included among other things, naughty nurses and sexy maids, is it just me or are you noticing a fetish here for women in the service industry. What's next? Kinky Dinnerladies? Although I have to say it would be hilarious to ask for a private dance and to be asked in turn 'Do you want chips with that?' Which I also wouldn't turn down.

- I wound up in a PC world helping out a friend carry a piece of IKEA type flat pack furniture, the checkout girl was to my liking but when I tried to talk to her I became a gibbering idiot. It was as if I had just been shot with a tranquilizer dart. In unrelated news I've booked my computer in for a health check and will be returning to that same PC world this weekend.

- McDonald's are doing these funky superhero toys, you know im a bit of a comic book geek so I made it my mission to find them. After a few non-starts with McDonald's eateries that were far too crowded to even consider entering I went into a quiet one and was told that they were all sold out. Undeterred I talked someone into giving me a lift to every McDonald's in the local area, I really have far too much spare time. I was lucky, quite early on in this leg of my mission, a very helpful lady told me, 'Errrrrr, I've got Superman and some other fellas.' which included Batman and Robin, I bought all three for one pound each! Bargain! Amazingly there was no gibbering idiocy in evidence with this attractive female, I just may have been too excited with my superhero toys.

- There's a really posh/swanky restaurant in Leeds, walking around the back I noticed a tramp asleep on the ground and my friend pointed out a spot where men have sex with prostitutes not a stones throw from this lavish establishment. Do you ever get the feeling that the world is a fucked up place?

- A good friend of mine has done some hilarious posts on a blog he has started, so impressed am I that you will find a link to the site to your right, 'Rodney Recommends', I am sure he will deftly conquer the internet. I am now desperately looking for a miniature plastic man of my own to team up with.

- I put up a Glitterati poster without even owning their album, I feel like such a fraud, it looks awesome though and if anyone asks I suppose I can defend myself with the fact that I once saw them live, though in truth I didn't really like them that much. Their poster is awesome though.

So there you go, a taster of what I've been up to, I should do a 'proper' post soon.

Just saw Deuce Bigalow : European Gigolo, hilarious. Pretty crude but with a film about man whores its got to be somewhat expected and with some top cameos, including the amazing Norm McDonald this is hartily recommended.

Watched Ghostbusters earlier today, what a classic.

Okay, so today's my birthday, I went out with a few friends last night to celebrate, I must say that when it went midnight I was having a good time. I don't remember all of it but here are some random quotes from the night.

'I really don't like the look of genitals, I used to see my brothers' all the time.'

'Do we look like strippers??'

'I can't do it again, my feet are fucked.'

'Are you okay? The way you're looking out of that window its looks like your going to throw yourself through it.'
'Oh don't worry I won't.... this window looks pretty sturdy.'

'Right, im going to go home, have a glass of water, then a wank.'

* In another news I've heard that Morley is going to have its own strip club, this is hilarious, I don't know who's going to be stranger, the women who they get to dance there or the guys who go to it. Okay, I guess we both know it'll be the guys who go to a strip club in Morley. Needless to say, I'll be there on opening night, in a research capacity.