Are you up to the test!?

* I jumped out of the shower Ninja style this morning (a cool crouching jump), it was sweet. Then I wondered how an actual Ninja would get out of the shower, I imagine that one second their under the water the next second they're out, dry and back in their Ninja gear. Ninjas are awesome.

* I was flipping through a magazine the other day and learned that Final Fantasy : Advent Children has finally been released on DVD! Only in Japan so far but this is fantastic, I've been waiting for this to come out since possibly the dawn of time (or just a really long time, either way).

* Can't wait for Rodney to make a new recommendation.

* When someone hands you a pen and tells you that it won't work, how come we all know that little movement to make with the pen on paper to get it writing again? Im sure no one taught me it, it just seems instinctive.

* The other day I was eating Sushi and I caught myself actually blowing on it as if it was hot.

* How come these Narnia films are starting with The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe? Im pretty sure that's the second story in the series, incidentally do you think there will soon be a big budget remake of Just William?

* The girlfriend of that guy from Weird Is Wonderful, hmmm, im sure I've seen her somewhere before.

* When you meet someone and they tell you that they're a DJ, can you keep that look of contempt off your face? No, neither can I.

I've had this guy coming to the the test centre for a while trying to do a certain test and to be honest I think he's fucking cursed. It never goes right, ever.

The first time round there was a huge problem in Europe which had disabled the servers so his test couldn't be uploaded. Since then theres been constant problems with booking the test which I don't want to get into, he did get a seat in Manchester but something went wrong, anyways today he came here to sit it again, he'd checked with the testing people to make sure the test had gone along to us okay and had conatacted myself to make sure things were okay here at the centre. Everything was set to finally get this guy on with the test.

What a fucking fiasco.

So I check the test station, the server, making sure everythings ok because I know how pissed of this guy will be if something goes wrong again. He turns up, I get him started and it has'nt been five seconds before he's calling me over, there's a problem with the test, it won't start.

I couldn't fucking beleive it, I tried every trick I could think of, then sending out e-mails to all the IT lads asking for support. They come up and have a gander, no ideas, a fair bit of time has past by now and the bloke is understandbly annoyed. The final solution (no I didn't kill the bloke), I ring up the test providers in Amsterdam, you probably have this dodgy image of them knowing they're in Amsterdam and you'd be right to do so, half of them can't speak English and the other half are mental.

So after waiting on hold for a good 20 minutes (Did I mention that I was running the rest of the centre while doing this? No? We'll I fucking was and it wasn't easy), this old geezer comes on the phone and he reckons it's something to do with the region setting of the computer (for some wanky reason they won't work unless they're set to the American time zone). I go through the mess of exiting the test software, then looking at the region settings, hmmmm, it's allready on America, I tell the old dude this and he gets me to alter some language settings then restart over, I do as he says, no luck.

Now the guys crawling up the walls, it's taking a fair bit of work to keep him calm as we go through the long process of uploading the test afresh. A few of the IT lads were actually hanging about, mainly because they were enjoying the skive but also a few of them fancied themselves as bouncers, reckoning they'd have a chance to knock this bloke out when he totally snapped.

So we start over and wouldn't you know it, the test still won't run. We've spent so long with this that there isn't time to run it in the morning session, I break this news to him and his reaction was to demand a rebooking of the test, I asked one of the IT blokes if they'd cover while I wasn't there, he agrees. Ok then, a rebooking it is.

I phone the testing people back up again and am on hold for about 15 minutes (they're hold music is pretty good I must say), then this really high strung sounding woman comes on, she checks into what's been going on and says she'll have a word with the old dude I spoke with before. Another 10 minutes pass, the bloke has got a rabid look in his eyes and a few IT lads are cracking their knuckles (just so you understand, a lot of the IT guys here are fucking huge, two of them do boxing), high strung woman comes back on and tells me;

Oh, I have spoken with my colleague and we actually had an e-mail about this, this particular exam has global problems, it would not be possible to run it today or in the foreseeable future.

I can't think of a time when I wanted to yell 'For fucks sake!' as much as I did right then. On telling this to the bloke he went fucking mental, I gave him the phone and I let him duke it out with high strung woman for a bit. In the end the loon from Amsterdam won and the guy left looking quite dispirited.

Two fundamental questions really need asking,

1. Why did they let him book the test if he couldn't sit it?
2. Why did no one tell me (especially the old bastard who first came one the phone) that the test wouldn't run?

The answer to both questions is that the muppets in Amsterdam couldn't care less what happens over here.

*Sigh* If you're thinking of working in a testing centre, don't.

So last night as I was finishing up at work I quickly went to the nearest toilet, on entering I could hear someone talking, now there have been some little shits smoking in the college so I thought I was possibly going to catch one of the fuckers. Why else would anyone stop and talk in a public toilet?

So I advance into the toilet to see only one bloke having a piss, as he turns to leave I realise he's TALKING TO SOMEONE ON HIS MOBILE, the dirty fucker had a conversation with someone while pissing in a public toilet!

I've had the sneaking suspicion that a mistake was made when these scally fuckers were given access to such technology but I mostly held my tongue (apart from calling them bastards), this however is the final straw. It's a simple case of an advanced technology given to too simple a mind, like giving a chimp a power tool, it's only going to end up hurting itself.

We should set up a technology armistice where all mobile phones and lap tops be handed in by scrubbers at the nearest police station, lets face it, they probably thieved the majority of them anyway.

In another ten years we should give them another chance, using a small trial group to see if they can handle the technology effectively, if they fail to act in a civilized manner they should be taken back immediately and another ten years be left until the same test be tried again. This will probably go on forever though as I doubt these fuckers could act civilly if their welfare depended on it.

Apparently the house next door has a few of them, anyways, the mouse slipped inside my bag, ate through a paper bag, then broke through a plastic wrapper to a muffin I'd bought earlier that day.

How the fuck did the mouse know it was there? It can't have seen it because obviously it was inside a bag, it couldn't smell it because it was wrapped in plastic, muffins don't make any noise as far as im aware, did the fucker have X-Ray vision?

Im not that fussed about the muffin it only cost about 80p, my concern is that we may be seeing the evolution of some new super breed of mouse. We scoffed at such ideas when we were young but perhaps one day soon turtles will be karate chopping us and racoons will be printing their own newspapers, not a pleasant thought.

Anyways, now knowing what a muffin junkie this bastard is the bait in the mouse trap was substituted for muffin and I was informed earlier today that the little shite was caught! It was one of those humane traps sadly but it has been released miles away in the middle of a field blind folded, so that should be the end of it.

I think he played for Manchester United, probably in the 70s judging by his hairstyle in archive footage and from what I've read it seems the old drunkard deserved to die, squandering his second chance like that.

My dad once distracted George Best at a football match by shouting 'Oi! Best!', Best turned his head to look up at him and in doing so got hit in the side of the head by a ball. I think that's quite funny.

What I fucking loathe though are those double buggies, it's not a Pandas custom to make orphans so im trapped behind these fucking monstrosities, women who go out during busy shopping hours with a double buggy are utter cunts.

They just love to crash their retarded spawn into me and anyone else who gets in their way and have you seen the looks they give people who try and squeeze past them? The utter shites that they are.

Lets not forget the fucking performance you have when they get onto a bus or a train or anything else, you've got places to be and they've brought everything to a standstill, I hate also how you get dirty looks for not helping them lift those fucking baby movers. It's especially galling when you're a good distance away and there's plenty of healthy looking women nearby doing fuck all, why don't they help? That's right, women are lazy fuckers too but they've got some magical permission slip for it.

So yeah, I hate those double buggies, leave the kids with someone else while you go shopping or shop during quieter hours, I don't care which, next time I see a double buggy blocking an isle or worse yet the entrance to a shop or whatever else I'll knock you silly with some bamboo you shit stains.

Panda

I've been wanting to tell this particular story for a while but with my rantings and distractions it went to the back of my mind. This morning it came back to me and I decided while it was at the forefront of my mind I'd stick it on the blog.

This is a tale told to me by a bloke my family used to know who we'll simply call R.L, he was a nutter and this story is 100% true, it was told to me when I was a young lad and has stayed with me ever since, I've never told this to anyone so it's a blog exclusive.

R.L worked awkward shifts so his sleep was very precious to him, when his next door neighbour got this monster of a dog (it was a mongrel, half Doberman half god knows what) which would never stop fucking barking R.L got annoyed. He went round and asked the neighbour to shut his dog up, the bloke said he'd keep the dog quiet from now on, fair enough.

A week passed and the dog just got fucking worse, so R.L went round again this time warning him that if he didn't shut that dog up he'd take the matter into his own hands, the bloke told R.L to go fuck himself, not a wise move.

The next day that R.L had off work he went and borrowed a van from one of his mates (whenever someone needs to borrow a van it's always a cause for concern), he pulled it up in front of his house, went next door and found the the dog in the back garden, never one to be scared of animals R.L tied a length of rope round the dogs neck and led it into the van.

He then drove down to the canals in Leeds, this was some years ago before the royal armouries was built and all those posh flats, back then it was mainly waste ground. Now R.L worked with metal and the van wasn't empty, he'd brought along a large part of a girder he'd pinched from work.

He tied the other end of the rope which was tied to the dog to the girder and then with all his might (R.L was a big bastard) he lifted the girder and threw it into the canal, the dog was immediately pulled into the water and R.L sat down to watch the bubbles of the beasts last breath. The bastard dog only resurfaced! Although only briefly and then it went under again, this happened four times and R.L was getting a bit worried the fucker was going to get back onto dry land and try to take a bite out of him, he psyched himself up to kick the living shite out of this dog as soon as it got out of the water, it broke surface again a fifth time but immediately went under again, never to resurface.

R.L then went round to his neighbours and told the bloke he'd killed it and if he got another dog he'd dump it in the canal like the first one. The bloke never got another dog and never said another word to R.L.

R.L told this story chuckling all the way through, as I say, he was a crazy fucker.

Garry Glitter was arrested the other day for shagging twelve year old girls in Vietnam, the slimey bastard that he is. If this happened round where I lived they'd hang the bastard (actually something similar to this did happen in my street and it was only a miracle that it didn't happen), how come when the Glitter man was first found out in England he wasn't given a good kicking like a pedo deserves? The only reason I can think of is because the pricks rich, which makes my skin crawl.

Instead he got to swan off to Thailand to shag children, the dirty fucker. Why won't he just die so we can forget about the nasty twat? Surely he's had sex with enough whores by now to pick up something lethal. Fingers crossed he gets found guilty in Vietnam, I saw the film Deer Hunter and the Vietnamese can be pretty nasty when dolling out punishment let me tell you, hopefully someone will tape it and put it up on the internet, that would be some quality viewing.

So if you're on the jury in Vietnam for the Glitter case (I somehow doubt that's how their legal system works but im too lazy to check) find Glitter guilty, otherwise he'll rape your kids, you know im right.

Just now I was reading another blog and out of curiosity I clicked the 'next blog' button which can be found on the top right of this screen, it went along to a totally random page and it got me thinking 'Whose my blog neighbour?'. So I come to this site and click the button, my blog neighbour was some boring typist thing, moving on I found a blog to improve your golf game, a guy who thinks Turkey are going to conquer the world and a pretty dull page about some pastor in nowhere USA.

Where's all the blogs written by frustrated geeks and angry drunks?

All the counter culture blogs should come together to make a utopian society of rants and witty observations, we could call it 'Blog Street' and all within will be discontent and frustrated.

Can you imagine, a street where phones with annoying ringtones are confiscated and gangs of Chavs are beaten mercilessly for looking so fucking stupid, you know what? That would be the kinda place I'd like to live.

* How is it that there's still people that don't know how to work a fucking cash machine? You've all been stuck behind them at one time or another, it's terrible isn't it when you realise they're a fucking idiot? You know, when the card comes out, they look at it then put it back in, you just want the machine to fire that card back out at top power knocking the dozy twat over. Or how about those fuckers that start organising their wallet after getting their cash, blocking everyone else?
You know at school those slow kids had their own special classes? Well keep those going obviously but they should also have special sessions in which they teach them a few basic things to operate in the real world, how to pay your way onto a bus, operate a cash machine, tie your fucking laces. Basic stuff so regular people don't beat them to death out of frustration.

* Where the fuck does that shite come from that you see in Post Offices? When you're going round that little maze thing in the Post Office you'll invariably see a little basket or worse a shelf of shite that the Post Office is trying to sell you while waiting. Where does it come from? Movies you've never heard of, albums you'd certainly never want to hear but it always has this magnetic power to draw your eye. What gets me is that it's never ending, they've always got new crap, which means somewhere there's a company getting orders for huge quantities of distracting crap, where are these companies? This whole bizarre industry fascinates me.

* How come people that listen to music in public are always listening to the most brain dead shite possible? I honestly don't know why they are playing it in the first place, do they think they're the only people that have discovered music and will somehow wow us with the latest 'hit' by the Sugar Babes or some random dance crap. You'll hear it just on the periphery of your hearing and as soon as you identify it you give the owner of this gadget the standard 'Could you turn that shite off/down please?' to which they simply ignore you as they're scum. Funnily enough, when their gadget is later being removed from their anus you're the one they call unreasonable.

Ross Noble was supposed to be signing copies of his new DVD 'Sonic Waffle' between the hours of 6 - 8 pm on the 17th of November in a Manchester outlet of Music Zone. At 7 pm he had yet to show, I don't know what happened after that as I had to be elsewhere.

What happened to Ross Noble?

Now I overheard a staff member talking about a wrong turning on the motorway but a friend of mine dismissed that as bollocks, so what was going on?

Ross Nobles' website doesn't offer any info on in-store signings plus there's no dates yet for Leeds (Boooo!) and Music Zones website is utter shite, which has meant that I've been unable to shed any light on this mystery.

Im not that fussed for myself as I spent the majority of that hour warm in a bar, spare a thought however for those poor bastards that were queuing in the cold.

I dislike most people, this is no great secret. The kids of today really suck ass in particular, the bashing of them may become a regular feature, well it probably will as I can't go a day without seeing one of them doing something fucking stupid.

Okay, Goths suck, they want to be separate from the main culture, away from all the bullshit cliques and judgment. Fair enough I hear you say but wait! They've inadvertently created just another bullshit clique.

First off you don't need to dress or look a certain way to be an invdividual, hell, I pretty much look like a normal person but I've listened to Korn, Funeral for a Friend, HIM, Turbo Negro, Adema etc... but I don't feel the need to wear a black t-shirt with one of their logos on.

It's so much more than that though, they have this whole 'Im so counter-culture with my Hellsing backpack, you couldn't possibly understand me', well listen bitch, I've seen Hellsing too and you probably aren't aware that Nemesis was a sole anime creation that didn't appear in the manga, infact you're probably one of those idiots that thinks Arucard was Dracula, idiot.

I do respect the fact that their fashion changes a lot slower to the mainstream so is easier to join but why can't anyone with feelings of isolation and angst join? Must they all be wearing black and those fucking belts that Billy Joe wears? I mean that's Green Day and Green Day's mainstream now isn't it?

Piercings, hmmm, I can let earrings slide, eye brow piercings, yeah okay those too, I've seen some nose studs that didn't look awful but I draw the line at anything on or in the mouth. Now before you start any shit, yes, I've kissed a girl that had a tongue stud or whatever you call it and it just felt fucking weird, not necessarily in a good way. Anyone's who's got multiple hoops and studs through their face needs therapy sessions.

I know this isn't just to be found with goths but those tattoos just above the ass are kinda retarded, if only one or two girls had them I'd think they were pretty nifty but it seems something like one in three girls has one so it's just a bill board advertising your lack of imagination. I wouldn't mind so much if one said 'Awesome fuck' or 'Badass rocker', failing that possibly a cool image like a naked woman killing a tiger but there all those lame squigles that don't mean anything. Dull.

Goths just seem ridiculous to me, I know life sucks but you'll never be younger, better looking or in better shape, why don't you try wearing something which isn't black, then you'd actually be unique among your friends, imagine that.

I felt it was time for another interview; this time around I actually made contact with the miniature world inviting someone along.

It was my initial hope to get a wrestler as there's been a bit of a wrestling vibe going on recently here at the blog, I especially wanted a word with Doink the clown if anyone remembers him. I was always intrigued as to what the fuck was going on with all those multiple Doinks as well as where he managed to find all those midgets for his battle against Jerry 'The King' Lawler. But alas it wasn't to be, he told me to fuck off, apparently it's hard to score crack when you've got a guy following you about asking you questions, never mind eh?

I was in luck to find another wrestler of sorts, a sumo wrestler, one legendary figure from Japan, Mr.E.Honda! Well known for his crazy fights in public baths and his love of wearing nothing but a towel, he has a huge following in the Street Fighter 2 fan community so should be well known to all but if not keep reading anyways, it's quite amusing.

Hello Mr.Honda! Allright mate, call us Eddy. Eddy it is then.

Right straight off the bat what have you been up to since the whole Street Fighter craziness?

Bit of this, bit of that, obviously there’s the conventions, those nutters can't get enough of us, I've tried to talk the rest of the lads round, we could make a killing if we all went along but obviously some of them are still with the franchise so don’t want to know. I spend most of my time enjoying life these days, you know, a good pint, a good pie and a good woman, what more can you want than that?

The line up in the games has changed a lot, what do you make of some of the newer characters?

*Sigh* It was so simple back in the day, the eight of us against the four of them but these days it’s fucking mental. That one, Sodom is it? What sort of names that? I dare you to not think of anal sex when saying it. You can’t can you. Actually I can’t. And that other one Sakura, she’s a nice enough girl but you can’t tell me she got in on merit; she’s a bit of totty for those creeps that are into school girls. I once met that Charlie, what a tosser, okay, Ryu and Ken styles are similar, I’ll give you that but that Charlie was just a poor mans Guile, no two ways about it.

I notice you haven’t even mentioned Dee Jay and Fei Long, were they not even worth a brief comment? After all they featured in Street Fighter 2: The World Warriors, any reason for this?

Well… they were shit weren’t they?

Fair enough, are you ever cold in just that bath towel?

Nah, I’ve got mountains of muscle to keep me warm. Hmmmm, I was hoping for a longer answer there. Erm, any preference, blue or orange? Well the blues classic isn’t it but when im fancying a night on the town I’ll go for the orange.

Okay, what the fuck was Blanka?

Ha! Good question, first time I saw him I nearly shat myself. I never liked the little bastard with his electricity, got a few shocks off him I’ll tell thee. Kept to himself mainly, as far as im aware he was some kind of animal, who knows, maybe an alien?

Do you get lucky with Chun-Li and if not did anyone else?

Old Chunners is a mate of mine so I can’t say; besides she’d Flying Bird Kick the shite out of me if I did.

Talking of Chun-Lis moves, whose was the better, your Hundred Hand Slap or her Lightning Kick?

Don’t ask a daft question lad, I could move while performing the slap, she couldn’t while performing the kick, hence mine was a far superior technique.

Where did all the money go from the Street Fighter 2 sticker albums? Someone must have become a very rich man due to them.

Aye, someone must have, I’ve yet to see a slice of the profits mind. Although the company did send me a few ‘shineys’ back in the day, made a nice bit of cash selling them to school kids.

Are you still friendly with anyone from Street Fighter? I remember a time when you and Ryu were good friends.

Aye, Ryu is a fucking legend, up for a pint whenever, he hasn’t let that all that fame shite get to his head. As for the rest, well, Dhalsim always freaked me out a bit and Blanka scared me. The Russian always seemed to have something against me, fancied his fighting style was better I suppose. But me, Ryu, Ken and Chunners go and get shit faced every once in a while, like old times.

Did you mind that in the live action film you were merely Chun-Lis camera man?

Well it was a bit of a shit role and that bloke who played me wasn’t nearly in as good physical shape as myself but im not moaning, a nice bit of cash came my way due to that film.

*DING DONG* Excuse me a sec, I’ll just answer the front door. No Problem. Yeah? What, no I didn’t, what? Honda? Eddy!? Did you order some pizzas?

Aye I did! Ha! You don’t want me wasting away do you, here’s some cash, pay the man and tuck in! Well readers! Free Hawaiian pizza, courtesy of E.Honda! Tremendous!

Until next time!

Okay, im used to inconsiderate, ignorant and generally shitty behavior but today I got pushed just a little more.

Now my centre is lucky enough to have a waiting room, this said room is obviously for people to wait before they take their test, be it either that they've arrived early for their test or they're taking a quick break between tests. What gets me is that most of them are doing basic fucking 'my first exam' type tests so this required thinking time is pretty disquieting, anyways I digress, the point is that it's a space for those who are going to be testing.

Occasionally some test takers bring along people who aren't sitting an exam themselves, I always frown on this because it always make the waiting room look a little untidy and when its busy its guaranteed that at some point I'll forget who they are and I'll ask them if they're waiting to do a test or whatever, to which they'll always have a response along the lines of 'Oh im just waiting for someone, you said it was okay' and have a smug fucking face that I've forgotten this five second interaction in the midst of a busy day.

So I don't like people being in the room if they're not taking a test, especially because they're plenty of nice places in the City to relax and enjoy the passage of time than my place of work but overall if they're quiet I let it slide. Today however, someone came in with a young child and without consulting me about it left her there while they sat two tests back to back taking probably a little over an hour and a half.

To clarify, a woman left her child of probably four maybe five in a waiting area without even telling me about it, totally unsupervised. This fucks me off; anything could have happened to this child, if it had fallen and hurt itself in some way what the fuck was I supposed to do about it? And I bet any money in the world if something had happenend some fault who have been laid at my door.

The problem was I didn't know who the child belonged to and they'd all started testing, and there's no way on earth im going to talk to a child, a grown man talking a to a small child he doesn't know? I'd be hanging from a tree by the end of the day.

It's not right that responsibility for this child was put on my conscience without even asking 'Could you keep an eye on her?', how hard would it be to just ask that? As for what sort of legal ramifications the college would have faced if something had have happened I don't want to think about, after all it's not a fucking creche.

The woman whose child it was didn't even go out on her break to check on her, it's people like this that should be sterilsed. If anyone pulls shit like that again im going to quickly talk the child into playing hide and seek, having the kid hiding under the chairs and when the woman finishes her test I'll tell her a huge guy with a moustache claiming to be her father came by and picked her up.

That might teach the bitch a greater sense of responsibility, at least give her a good scare (the benefits she gets for it are probably her main sources of income), which should be a good laugh.

It's recently been brought to my attention that Eddie Guerrero is dead, my reaction was to ask who he was, I was then informed that he was a wrestler and that he should be mentioned here on the blog. As im currently out of ideas for a post I decided I would do just that.

Eddie first wrestled for the WWF in January 31, 2000 and soon picked up the name 'Latino Heat' which is quite humorous, he also had a moustache and a mullet which is impressive, apparently he was a bit of a ladies man so I think I would have liked this guy.

He died on the 13th of November in a hotel room, details are sketchy. Im starting to think that wrestlers should avoid hotels, they can't seem to go to one without meeting a mysterious end, Mr.Perfect, British Bulldog and now Latino Heat, they're fucking death traps for these guys.

Eddie Guerrero 1967 - 2005

Wrestling, be it the WWF (or the WWE as it's known these days *shakes head* like anyone’s going to get confused about a punch of sweaty guys and some fucking pandas), or the WCW, (which we all know was a poor mans WWF, although I have to admit it was interesting when Mike Tyson joined) what we have to keep in mind is that its totally fake.

Be that as it may it provided countless hours of enjoyment when I was young and foolish, I remember staying up to an ungodly hour one year to watch a Wrestlemania live and I once wept when hearing the results of a Royal Rumble. Don't even get me started on Macho Mans' wedding during Summer Slam.

So I thought I'd compile a list of my favorite seven wrestlers who are now dead, as these post mortem superstars deserve to be remembered.

7 - Big Boss man

I'll never forget his battle with the Mounty, at the end of which the Boss man was victorious and the Mounty was taken away to spend the night in the cells. Fantastic. The big lad died of a heart attack which isn't very exciting so he’s in at seven.

6 - Yokozuna

What a legend, I still remember his battle with Hulk Hogan which ended in controversy when Hogan was blinded by a cameraman who jumped into the ring. Yoko’s greatest moment must be when about 15 blokes tired to tip him out of the ring on one Battle Royale but failed to do so. Another heart attack, sorry Yoko but not very original.

5 - Andre The Giant

I only saw him battle once or twice but what a show! Im not sure how he died, probably from being too tall which is quite interesting, so he’s in at 5.

4 - Mr.Perfect

I really liked Mr.Perfect, sure he was a bit full of himself but he was cocky, in a good way and I generally liked his style. The highlight for me was when he was bigging himself up on a basketball court and he threw a ball the length of the court and then ran after it and managed to catch it. Perfect. He died mysteriously in a hotel, what a tremendous death! Well done Mr.P.

3 - Texas Tornado

I don't really remember any of his fights but he’s in at number 3 due to his death. Overdosed in a toilet just before his fight, obviously his opponent was a bit surprised but probably glad for the easy win.

2 - The British Bulldog

I used to love the Bulldog, I had Wrestlemania for my Megadrive and would almost always play as Bulldog. His death brings him at number two just because it's so confused. The only thing anybody really knows is that he died in Canada, beyond that its all guess work. Stories range from him chocking on a chicken bone to drowning in a swimming pool, the fact that a convicted murderer was staying at the same hotel at the time doesn't really help. A coroners report revealed that his body was a bit fucked from steroids but that’s about it. Tremendous way to die their Bulldog, you've left a legacy which will make you live forever, well obviously not live but you get the idea.

1 - Owen Heart

No big surprise im sure to wrestling fans but you've got to admit, when you think celebrity + public death you can't help but then think 'Owen Heart'. I liked the whole arc of Owen coming out from big Brets shadow and becoming his own man and THEN becoming Brets arch nemesis, you remember all that shit about the suplex? Bret taught Owen how to perform the move but did he ever teach him how to get out of it? Who gives a shit, the fact is that when Owen went flying into those ropes and broke his neck he simultaneously flew into the number one spot of dead wrestlers here on 'This Is Totally Going In My Blog'.

Yes it's that time of year again, no, I don't mean bloody Christmas you over eager fool, look at the bloody title of this post why don't ya? Im of course referring to the annual Film Festival.

I love the festival, even though I never see as many films as I'd like to, I like the sense of community as each cinema gives recommendations on what another cinema is showing, for too short a time not totally obsessed with ticket sales and market share and all that other shite.

The festival kicked off on Thursday and will be finishing up this coming Sunday; Terry Gilliam graced Leeds with his presence for an early showing of his 'Brothers Grim', I tried to get tickets but to no avail.

I urge anyone who can, to go along and watch a few films or as many as you can, there are some free screenings so I don't want to hear any 'Oh, I wanted to go honest, but im skint', if you say this to me I'll break your knee caps, you cheap swine.

I've gone along to the festival for a few years now, so for your enjoyment here are some of my top memories of festivals past;

* Waiting till one in the morning for the debut screening of 'Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back' outside Hyde Park cinema. Me and my friend Mike thought that Kevin Smith might possibly make an appearance, one look at the area and we soon abounded any hope of that. Highlights include standing outside a shop impersonating Jay and Silent Bob, getting free promotional stuff, challenging a stuck up couple who pushed in and the ramblings of a counter queue of people who didn't have tickets but who qued in the hope that they'd possibly be able to get in.

* Buying tickets for 'Cowboy Bebop: The Movie' and not buying enough tickets. Three of us went in for the film and then another friend who we thought was going to miss the film came into the theatre as the film was running asking for his ticket, with no ticket to give what was I to do? I handed him my ticket so he could go back to the people on the door and show them said ticket, as soon as he'd headed back outside I realised that out of the three of us mine was the only ticket the cinema guys had ripped. Im just imaging his pissed off reaction when he comes back in and calls me on being such a fool when remarkably he comes back in and sits down to watch the film, the cinema guys hadn't noticed the rip, unbelievable.

* Going along to 'Otakus in Love' by my lonesome. I couldn't generate any interest in this film so went along to see it by myself, before it started this guy got up and gave a little talk about the movie and why he liked it so much, which was really cool of him when you consider there was barely anyone in for the screening. The film was excellent and I feel privileged that im one of a select few who has been to see it.

* Buying tickets for a film and seeing everyone from my comic book shop in the line behind me. I can't remember which film it was, possibly 'The Princess Blade', anyways I saw pretty much the whole staff of my regular comic book store stood waiting to purchase tickets for the same film as myself and I couldn't help but think I'd missed my calling.

Sure I have some negative memories, such as the time I nearly wept with disappointment when I was told 'Steam Boy' was sold out or when reading about 'Donnie Darko' and I decided to not bother seeing it but these too are rich experiences to take away from the festival, it's either looking at it like that or drowning your sorrows in cheap larger, which you can do as well if you fancy.

Right, that's enough of my memories, time to go and make some of your own, get your arse down to a few screenings, you'll be glad you did.

A postcard came through my letterbox this morning, it was from our good friend Vegeta, following the instructions on said postcard, im going to type up what was written.

Post this on your blog or suffer my wrath!

Hello Blog writer and his feeble readers

I am back in work! Huzzah! I can currently be seen on the new Fightstar video 'Grand Unification part 1', I've been told the video is currently showing on Kerrang, it is most likely showing on all other music channels as well considering how great it will be. I urge you to watch it and then go out and by the Single which was released yesterday, as well as the limited edition DVD and the 7 inch Vinyl, money well spent I assure you.

Vegeta

Saiyan Overlord

p.s If you don't make the recommended purchases I will destroy you with a Gallet Gun attack.

Right then, best get my coat on and get down HMV.

Okay, I've been away from the blog recently and on top of that Fred Jones popped in last week which chuffed me to bits but now im right back to being pissed off. Firstly, apart from the few people im fond of (you know who you are, *HINT* I go out of my way to talk to you) I consider pretty much everyone to be an asshole.

The world consists of pansy ass, stuck up, ignorant, fuck wits.

Okay, hmmmm, my first target, gosh, where to start? So many retards so little time... men!
I own a penis but I am not an utter shit so I feel no sense of camaraderie toward my fellow man. Firstly to white guys trying to be black, what the fuck are you doing with your lives, I swear, you've created a gutter language that’s less audible/understandable than that of a fucking gibbon.
To no race in particular what going on with tracksuits? Specifically tracksuit bottoms, I always thought you were supposed to wear that shit if you were doing something athletic but it seems you can wear them in the outside world in just about any situation. I don't fucking think so. Honestly you all walk around like you’re the shit wearing what looks to me like pajamas, if you weren't such nasty little shits I'd almost feel sorry for you.
Oh, is it just me or is anyone totally fucking sickened with this habit of spitting that younger people have adopted, my grandfather used to spit, he smoked a pipe and was really old so I'll let it slide, only just, but these young pieces of shit spitting as I walk past them need their mouth sewn shut to teach them a lesson, spitting is a filthy habit that spreads disease - FACT.
To guys who drive on scooters all day going round in circles like a goddamn goldfish, get a life, I could kill you and use you for fertiliser and you'd be contributing more to the world than you are right now, consider this an early warning.

Feeling a little bit better but there's so much more to come... women!
You are not all gorgeous - FACT. Now im not that shallow that I judge a person solely on their looks but when you get these fucking ugly, overweight, nasty whores getting all fidgety like you're going to I don't know, squeeze one of their love handles I want to ask them 'Do you own a mirror?' if so you'd realise that not only are you so unattractive that im not going to lay a finger on you but im also considering being sick.
Jewelry bitches, you've always annoyed me, oh yeah, your so mysterious with all those twelve quid rings you bought from Argos but my hate for you're breed has lessened somewhat with these stupid bints that now wear a series of metal rings along their arm. What the fuck are you playing at? You looking fucking stupid, not to mention any time you move your arm we can all hear the sliding metal noise of all the rings which is irritating to hell. It couldn't possibly be that your so fucking insecure you that you've adopted this pathetic 'fashion' to draw more attention? If so, you fucking sicken me.

If you don't harbor a great hate towards humanity here's a fairly quick way to do so, get a job where you serve the public. This will work about 99% of the time, you'll realise how stupid and inconsiderate they really are. Want to take this further? Get a job serving the public then whenever you have to deal with someone don't talk much, only use words that are necessary, apart from that just nod, smile whatever you want. You're probably smarter than the person you're talking to but just because you don't feign interest in the weather or whatever insignificant piece of tattle their talking about which by the way they'll have forgotten about by the end of the week, they're going to treat you like a lobotomised monkey. Im deadly serious about the short term memory by the way, do you know any douches who were banging on about the Tsunami in Thailand, well things are still seriously shit there now, are they still going on about it or have they not mentioned it in months? My moneys on the later.

Well I feel a little better now but remember, I really hate people. I’m sure I’ll return to this topic soon.