Are you up to the test!?

So the other day I went up to my dentist for the yearly check up. I arrived a bit early so was gazing round the waiting room trying to kill time when my eyes landed on possibly the greatest poster of all time - What to do if one of your teeth gets knocked out. Jesus christ! They aren't messing about there, right to the nitty fucking gritty.

Now you'd think the first thing to do upon having a tooth knocked out would be to roll around on the floor and cry wouldn't you? But no, you are in fact supposed to put it in a glass of milk then head for the doctors. Who the fuck carries milk around with them twenty four seven? What cracked me up was how it repeatably kept saying -Do not put in disinfectant- as if people carry round both milk and disinfectant and would be in kind of quandary as to which to dunk their teeth in.

If you don't have milk on you (which I'd think quite likely) then you are supposed to put it in your mouth between your gums and you cheek, which is possibly one of the vilest images I could conjure in my mind, a broken jagged tooth resting in your mouth while it's filling with blood. As you can imagine it didn't put me in the best frame of mind for my check up.

I have a radio alarm clock, it's set to some right obscure station which usually plays shite but that's the way I like it, if I heard good music I'd be inclined to stay in bed. The other day I was awoken by a song that was actually 'alright', interested to know who it is, I swing my legs out of bed and wait patiently for the song to end (instead of just slamming the 'snooze' button). The song finishes and the DJ says 'What a cracking tune. In the news today...', whoa there mate, what's the name of the fucking song? Isn't it like, the law, that the DJ says what the last song was?

Frustrated as fuck I switched the alarm off and turned my computer on. Luckily for that DJ I managed to find the song through googling the lyrics, otherwise I'd have gone round to the DJs house and glassed him. Or, failing that, just thought nasty things about him.

So im walking into work this morning, see someone im on a 'hello' basis with, this is my first interaction of the day with another human being but it soon goes drastically wrong.

Wanted Man (me) - Morning (said in a 'hello' kind of way)
Random Bloke - What's good about it?

Fuck me that threw my mental processes out of the window. I was tempted to say 'I didn't say good' but thought against it.

WM - Sorry?
RB - What's good about it? Im knackerd.
WM - Oh, right.
RB - See ya later (he walks off)

Does this kind of thing happen to other people or am I just unable to communicate with my fellow man in anything other than total confusion?

Doubtless you're already aware that the film channel Film Four is now free. Which I for one think is pretty fucking cool, although it does annoy me slightly.

About two years ago I used to pay for Film Four, probably had it about three or four months, I loved that whole 'great films you know, great films you don't' idea. In that time I probably watched five films, six tops. I was just way too busy with one thing and another and never put the time aside to do some viewing. The only time I did see anything was when I'd pop in a tape and record a whole nights programming and then watch it back in bits later.

Due to the fact I wasn't getting my moneys worth I stopped paying for it. Even if I was missing out at least it wasn't costing me owt. Now im missing out on the movies and their costing nowt! Oh, how frustrating. Obviously im buying plenty of blank tapes.

* Tangent alert! * Tangent alert! *

It's weird what you can get for free, the other day while walking about I got a free mini deodorant (which was handy because I was getting pretty sweaty) and a free tea bag from the Samaritans (I love the idea of bribing people into staying alive with a cup of tea, mind you, ya can't beat a good cuppa).

Last week I got a free Ice Cream and a can of Coke Zero. While we're on the subject is it just me that thinks this whole Coke Zero thing is the biggest waste of money know to man? It's Diet Coke in a black can, Coke could have paid me far less to just colour all the Diet cans in with a marker pen.

* We are now leaving the tangent! *

So make sure you take advantage of Film Four, these next few days I'll be taping/watching - Explorers, Festival, The African Queen, Wolf Creek and Topaz. Can't go wrong for free.

Yesterday, news reached me that someone I used to go to school with had died. Unlike before, this wasn't someone I didn't really know or someone I didn't like. This was someone I knew of and was actually quite fond of, as a result I've been thinking of it since.

For some reason 'little' was always affixed to her name. She was always 'Little S', not because of her actual size, she was about the same height as everyone else, mainly due to her quiet nature. I won't lie, I wasn't close to S. I haven't seen her in at least 15 years. We used to go to the same primary school, it was a small class, five boys and four girls (I don't think you get classes that small any more). I never spoke to her much but I saw her everyday for 3 years and always liked how she never bothered anyone and kept to herself.

Yesterday I was told she'd killed herself. At first I didn't know who my mother was on about but as soon as the basic description was given she came rushing back into my minds eye. She was from a good family, plenty of money, even before I knew what posh was I knew that's what her family was. Not stuck up though, her mother was always friendly and nice to everyone.

I wonder what happened to Little S. Could life really have been that bad? I guess I'll never know.

Im not trying to give any meaningful insight into death, anything I'd say would be a shit cliche or something stolen from a book. I just wanted to say that I remember Little S and I feel a little numb about hearing she's dead.

I've got an old school photo somewhere with all nine of us together, I don't think I'll ever look at it again.

Im in a funny mood today, due to this your getting a bit of a weird post, apologies in advance.

I used to have a great relationship with management, this being that they barely knew I existed so they left me the fuck alone. This is now not the case and every day I hate them a little bit more.

Why can't they leave me the alone? They're obsessed with adding me onto every mundane e-mail making the rounds. I don't want to be involved, I don't want to be a team player. I want to come in, do my bit and then fuck off.

Last week I got an e-mail about cleaning. All about making sure things are spotless and sparkly. From this you might think im a cleaner, I wouldn't blame you, for a second I thought I was as well until I remembered im nothing of the sort. My first inclination was to tell them to e-mail the cleaners, although they probably don't have e-mail, so instead I just ignored it.

Summer is upon us, this is the only quiet time of the year for me. Management are going berserk. 'Why is it so quiet?', 'What can we do to make it less quiet?', these questions and variations upon them are now visited upon me daily. I've tried to explain in several ingenious ways that this is the quiet time of the year, that there is no need to rush out and try and find other forms of revenue, by the time it gets to September it will be busy again. You'd think they let me enjoy the next month and a bit to chill out? No fucking chance, I swear they won't be happy till im as burnt out as them.

I often don't work a full week. Work depresses me so I like to have an extended weekend to make amends to myself for being so dulled out. Im asked questions about coming in on days I don't work. I tell them I don't want to do it and they ask me why. Do I have plans? Does sat reading all day and drinking lemonade count as plans? I think so.
I'd love to tell them that working upsets me so I really need the next day off to relax but I don't think they'd understand.

I've never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. Well, I knew I wanted to be happy. Beyond that not a clue, something involving a lot of reading would be nice.
I don't care about money, obviously I care to a degree but making lots of money isn't that interesting. The only things I want out of life are to learn things and have a good time, everything else is a distraction.

Reports have been written about me. The common theme in them is that I don't seem to care about what im doing. Who could? Some sad bastard in our office sent a letter to us while on his first and possibly only holiday this year. It started with 'Dear team' and contained the usual dross one writes to people whilst on holiday - having good time, nice weather etc...
The only time I'd write a letter to work from a foreign country is if I was never coming back and it would only go on about how much I think they all suck. I'd probably never write it though, who has the energy to waste on something like that?

I should stop rambling on, it's probably a quarter life crisis or something pathetic like that. So I will.

Christ alive, how warms it been these last few days? Not that I mind, makes a change from rain but the higher ups at work would wait till a heat wave to ask if I'd wear a tie, it's hard to tactfully tell someone to go fuck themselves when your almost passing out from the heat.

I feel bad for the weather folks, they are quickly running out of ways to say 'sunny', I wouldn't be surprised if the next time I see the weather it starts with 'Well... it's parasol season', they've done it all, pollen counts, warnings about wearing a hat, there isn't that much to say when the weather is consistently nice. I suppose they prefer it when the weather is different all over as you can burn the time up better talking about rain here, snow there and a flood off season.

I've been in training the last two days. It would be such a cliche to say it was a waste of time but fuck it, I don't even know what cliche means. It was a waste of time. The room was like an oven. During this training I'd had a Rocky bar on my person, later when I remembered it I opened the wrapping to see the mere remnants of a chocolate bar, it looked as if it'd been subject to a controlled explosion.

In protest to my fallen snack I farted as passing the staff room, I know, I know, very petty but one must do what one can to strike a blow for workers rights.

One thing I don't like about all this sunny weather is the amount of topless men I've seen about. Not even men that are in particularly good shape, flabby old men with naff tattoos, errrrr, I saw one running for a bus, the jiggling will be the stuff of nightmares for a while. These blokes must have zero knowledge of skin care, pale as chalk and walking in round in the baking sun. I don't wear much sun tan lotion myself but at least I cower in the shadows.

Isn't it weird how dirty feet get in flip flops? The girlfriends been wearing some the last few days, you'd think she worked in a coal mine when you see the underside of her feet. It's not just her either, a lot of ladies at work keep kicking their flip flops off and putting their feet up and they're all black as night.

I've surprised myself with how long I can go on about it being hot, I'll stop while im (somewhat) ahead.

-----

Oh, here's something else about the heat. Am I the only one who is annoyed that 99s now cost one pound twenty? Surely they should now be called 120s. Much the same way that penny sweets should now be called ten pence sweets.

Did you know that along with Virgin Megastores, Virgin Mobile, Virgin Holidays and all the rest of them, there is now Virgin Comics? Neither did I until about a week ago. I saw something on the net about it and moved on without really thinking about it. Giving it a closer look the other day I can confirm that old Branson has now put his mark on the comics world

Now you'd think old beardy features being involved with comics would bother me. But looking at the projects they've got coming up im quite interested to see their titles. It's not the usual super hero affair and at the very least it might stir up the big names in the industry.

Here's a link to their site, I'll probably bang it in my geeky links as I'll want to keep an eye on it. There's also a free downloadable PDF of the Virgin Comics issue 0, I have a very ''owt for nowt' outlook on life, so I like this immensely.

What do you reckon? Good thing, bad thing? You can't help but wonder where it's going to end for the Virgin franchise. Virgin Condoms? Im sure the irony would be lost on one of those brainstorming groups and just think of the headlines 'Virgin feels a prick', that'd make my day.

For some reason people always feel the need to tell me who I look like. Almost everyone has their own little theory. Some times im flattered, some times im horrified. Here are a choice few of the comparisons I get, with my own opinion on how close they are.

Do you know who you look like? Prince William

I've only gone and bloody done it. My numbering went to hell a bit as I went to lunch then forgot where I'd got to, add on the fact that I can't count and there was a slight bit of confusion.

Here below are the twenty, from first to last -

01. Asterisk.
02. Baw Bags.
03. Chase Me Ladies.
04. Anti Craptilist.
05. Ranting Dullard.
06. Dating Monkey.
07. Infinite Muppets.
08. Blogzilla.
09. Casino Avenue.
10. Twenty Major.
11. Planet Potato.
12. Family Guy Freakn’ Blog!.
13. Andrews World.
14. Unite 2006 College Writing.
15. Jude Geeks.
16. Jah Jah Dub.

17. Cape To Rio.
18. Needs To Be Glassed.
19. Shirley The Great.
20. Bluetonium.

A lot harder than you'd think, after the first three of so I was thinking 'Piece of piss, be done in another ten minutes', but I wasn't. The tricky thing is that some blogs don't really have anything you want to comment on. Then there's the finding of the blogs themselves, I don't usually read 20 blogs in a day. Two of them I found by clicking that link in the top right corner saying 'next blog', found some weird and wonderful things doing that.

I don't think I'll be doing it again next week but the weekend after? Possibly.

I think it's impossible to not like the premise of the new comic, OMAC. It's about a heroin addict who transforms into a unstoppable killing machine.

Think Trainspotting meets the Terminator.

Here you can see him blasting one blokes head to bits while gutting another. I think it's safe to say I'll be following this series.

DC, you gone and done it again.

* You know those devices to scare off cats that blast out really high sonic noise? Well, for the sake of this post just pretend you do. I pass a house on my way to work that has one and I swear to god I can hear it, it drives me fucking mad, both me and the cats cross the street when coming close to it. I've passed it with other people and they tell me im full of shit, they can't hear anything. Has anyone else picked up these high sonic discharges? Could it be that I have super hearing?

* Don't you love it when you don't like someone and they prove themselves to be a total dickhead? There's a lass that looks at me as if I was a piece of shit. The other day she had sex with someone behind a cost cutter while the mong bloke taped it on his phone. She said that it didn't matter as you couldn't see her face. Riiiiight.

* Isn't it weird when you go to party or social function bringing some beer and you get to the point where you've consumed more beer than you brought. At first your thinking 'Fuck it, these beers are mine by right' but at some point it shifts into 'Fuck, if anyone challenges me on the amount of beers I've had I'll exaggerate a bit on how many I brought'.

* So the world cup is over. England didn't win, so no patriotic zeal for me, nor did Portugal, so no pay day either. Bollocks.

* I've been on the internet for years and years and for the first time ever I've started getting e-mails advertising medication and treatments to increase the size of my cock. Crazy, I feel like I've become a part of mainstream society. To be honest, I like getting them as the subject headings are usually hilarious, my favourite so far as has to be 'erectile solutions', sounds like some huge international conglomerate. 'Have you seen the latest fax from erectile solutions?', oh, how I'd laugh.

It's weird how things come back to you. Sometimes something from years ago that seemed so trivial can just pop right back into your brain leaving you with a 'Fuck me, I'd forgotten about that' state of mind. I wonder how much stuff is never remembered.

This morning something came back to me from probably three years ago, could have been longer ago though. I'd gone out clubbing (I know, I know but there wasn't much else to do), I wasn't having that good a time, as what usually happens when I go to a club - I end up feeling totally alien from everyone else. Not that it's necessarily anyones fault but my own, everyone else was dressed quite smart and I was in my usual scruffy attire, I was wearing a Bluntman and Chronic t-shirt for christsakes.

Anyways, there I was stood on the edge of the dance floor, looking awkward and feeling more so when a girl came over and asked if I wanted to dance. I can't tell you what she looked like, only a vague images comes to mind but I remember she smiled quite a bit. I said sure, I mean, what else are you going to say?

Now I dance like im having a fit, but she didn't comment on it and said nice things which I can't now remember. I remember though that they made me feel good. As a song ended a friend came over, something had happened I think, or possibly everyone was just going, anyway without saying a word I followed them out of the club without a backward glance.

It was an especially shit thing I did then. I didn't know the girls name, I didn't even say thank you or goodbye. I don't know why but that came back to me this morning and I felt like an utter dickhead. She raised my morale at a time when it was at a low and showed genuine human kindness and her reward was nothing, less than nothing.

I know the chances of her every reading this are next to nothing but I'd just like to say -

Thank you and im sorry.

Picked this up from Wizards website. Wonder Woman is now 65 years of age.

Bottled water is a weird thing, like, you couldn't have sold it in the fifties could you? People would have told you to go fuck yourself for trying to sell them water, they pay for it to come out of their taps, they're not going to pay for it again. Saying that though I do quite like bottled water from time to time, not in a wankerish 'Check me out i've got Evian' sort of way, just the 'Im quite parched and I like water' way.

When I have water I usually keep hold of the bottle and fill it up to use again. It's weird though because when I've been drinking said bottled tap water sometimes people ask for a bit and im usually given the question (because they know of my tap filling activities) 'Is this tap water or proper water?'. Now that's a fucking weird question, one that's never been asked in any previous age of man. Really, it's all the same isn't it? There's only so much water in the world, sometimes it's clouds, other times it's rain/snow but it's all the same water that's been around for millions of years.

Now back when I used to drink pop or soda (depending on your respective side of the old Atlantic pond), I used to do the same thing, like after drinking a bottle of Coke, I'd fill it up with more Coke from home, be it Pepsi, Dr.Pepper or no frills Coke (im a cheap bastard me). As long as it was the right colour I wasn't too fussy. Many were the day though when I'd fill say a Coke bottle with Fanta and only later realise my mistake, any cunt would see a mile away that it was a refilled bottle. Now I know that's terribly stupid and vain of me, whats more though is that I never did the refilling thing to be cheap, well, it wasn't the main reason but I hated the idea of people thinking that im trying to be cheap when I just want some pop/soda to hand.

I have a nagging feeling this post is going to be, like so many others, totally devoid of any kind of point or purpose... oh well.

Last night I was buying a cricket bat, not for myself, as some of you may have gathered im not exactly the sporty type. I was buying said cricket bat for a friend of a friend as a gift, I was looking through the bats looking for one that would be the right size for the dude, trying to gauge it was harder than I thought.

So the scenes set, im looking through cricket bats in a sports shop minding my own business. Nearby in the golf section these two nippers are causing bedlam, knocking over clubs, generally being a fucking nuisance while their dads in fucking la la land trying to get himself a discount Beckham shirt.

I think i've got the bat I want, i've got it by the handle and am reasonably sure it should be right, meanwhile these two little swines have drifted over in my direction, one of them grabs a random bat and runs off swinging it about, the other one grabs for the one in my hand, the actual one im holding by the handle that i've been looking at for the last ten minutes. I says to him 'Sorry little man, I want this one', he grabs for another bat and actually holds it in a manner as to smack me with it and with an expression on his face to back it up. Things have suddenly taken an unexpected turn.

I've not yet said how small this kid is, he's about a third my size so it kinda seems funny in a weird way but I was stumped as to what to do next. I could easily jab the kid in the stomach with the bat i've got, the shite would have crumpled up like a bad suit. But it wouldn't exactly look good would it, battering some 9 year old with a cricket bat is the kind of thing that follows you around, so I honestly had no idea what to do. I decided on doing the same and lifted the bat up in a semi-threatening manner, in doing so it's at the level of his head. The kid must have had a rudimentary grasp of logic as he drops the bat and runs off.

I've banged on about how bad kids are before but for fuck sakes this is a new low. Im having to defend myself in a shop against a lone 9 year old! What's worse is that the law is totally on my attackers side. If he had flung the bat and split my head open the Police wouldn't have touched him whereas if I left so much as a slight bruise on him I'd probably have ended up doing two years, god help me if the neighbours found out about it, they'd most likely burn my house down.

I know it's a little thing and nothing really happened but it got me thinking how quickly you can get into deep shit through no fault of your own and how fucked up some of these kids are. You don't need that shit on a Monday afternoon. To be honest if he'd hit me I think I would have hit him back, sometimes you have to stand up for yourself regardless but god knows what would have happened next.

Wahay, im back! Did you miss me? Even a little bit? C'mon, I know deep down ya glad im back, and if not... well, fuck ye, im glad and that's what counts. Don't get me wrong, I loved Scotland, loved it. I had loads of fun and drank plenty of Tennants but it's nice to be back. As promised I've brought back Shortbread, as for hilarious stories... well, im a bit short in that department (short! ha, d'ya get it? shortbread? Funny no? No), I sat on a cow at one point but it was made of plastic so I suppose it doesn't count.

The hostel me and the girlfriend stayed at was nice, although there was a bastard of a time getting a shower in the morning. Still, ten times better than a fucking travel lodge or one of those drab fucking affairs, the hang out of business men who are one more seminar away from hanging themselves or families with two point four children who you can see wish to fuck they had a point or two less. Sorry about that, tangent or what?

I started reading Trainspotting on the train up to get me in the Scotch mood and it did just that, fucking cracking book. Although truth to tell I met more Italians, Poles and Canadians in Scotland than Scottish people, the first person I talked to with a Scottish accent was a homeless person, make of that what you will, if there's anything to make of it at all. I tried to be a low key tourist, as the loud mouth Americans and videotaping obsessed Japanese roamed about the streets. I know, I know, stereotypes but im only telling you what I saw.

It must be hard for the Scottish people that have to smile and be polite as tourists piss themselves at tartan, kilts and all that makes up their culture. I suppose they have the last laugh as they fleece them for as much money as possible but it still must sting a bit.

Sat in a pub surrounded by big Scottish lads as I watched the England game, that was an experience, I'll keep it for another post so as to not bore the shite out of people who've had their fill of world cup crap. I will say this though, funny as fuck.

In one bar I accidentally bumped into this French guy, said sorry immediately even though it was more the packed nature of the pub which caused us to collide than anything else. Now I know the fucker could speak English as I heard him ordering at the bar, what's he say though? Something in French, luckily for me the girlfriend speaks French so I ask her what he said, it was the French equivalent of 'cunt', so I shouted 'Yeah, you're a cunt an all mate', he didn't like that, the cowardly shite that he was.

Heading back we got to the train station just as the heavens opened, thought us lucky there but then thought again when faced with an hour delay. On top of that the fucker broke down the stop before Newcastle so I had to wait for the next one, which as you can guess was packed solid. When I finally got back it was pissing it down and got soaked for the first time that weekend, weird.

Getting on a bus that was headed for home some weirdos got on a caused a right fuss, pissed as fuck they were and going on about the lightning and god knows what else. It then struck me (not the lightning) that the city I live in has more weirdos than any other place on Earth, or more than the few places I've been.

So, as I say, I had a topping time... anything happened while I was away?