Are you up to the test!?

Wahay, im back! Did you miss me? Even a little bit? C'mon, I know deep down ya glad im back, and if not... well, fuck ye, im glad and that's what counts. Don't get me wrong, I loved Scotland, loved it. I had loads of fun and drank plenty of Tennants but it's nice to be back. As promised I've brought back Shortbread, as for hilarious stories... well, im a bit short in that department (short! ha, d'ya get it? shortbread? Funny no? No), I sat on a cow at one point but it was made of plastic so I suppose it doesn't count.

The hostel me and the girlfriend stayed at was nice, although there was a bastard of a time getting a shower in the morning. Still, ten times better than a fucking travel lodge or one of those drab fucking affairs, the hang out of business men who are one more seminar away from hanging themselves or families with two point four children who you can see wish to fuck they had a point or two less. Sorry about that, tangent or what?

I started reading Trainspotting on the train up to get me in the Scotch mood and it did just that, fucking cracking book. Although truth to tell I met more Italians, Poles and Canadians in Scotland than Scottish people, the first person I talked to with a Scottish accent was a homeless person, make of that what you will, if there's anything to make of it at all. I tried to be a low key tourist, as the loud mouth Americans and videotaping obsessed Japanese roamed about the streets. I know, I know, stereotypes but im only telling you what I saw.

It must be hard for the Scottish people that have to smile and be polite as tourists piss themselves at tartan, kilts and all that makes up their culture. I suppose they have the last laugh as they fleece them for as much money as possible but it still must sting a bit.

Sat in a pub surrounded by big Scottish lads as I watched the England game, that was an experience, I'll keep it for another post so as to not bore the shite out of people who've had their fill of world cup crap. I will say this though, funny as fuck.

In one bar I accidentally bumped into this French guy, said sorry immediately even though it was more the packed nature of the pub which caused us to collide than anything else. Now I know the fucker could speak English as I heard him ordering at the bar, what's he say though? Something in French, luckily for me the girlfriend speaks French so I ask her what he said, it was the French equivalent of 'cunt', so I shouted 'Yeah, you're a cunt an all mate', he didn't like that, the cowardly shite that he was.

Heading back we got to the train station just as the heavens opened, thought us lucky there but then thought again when faced with an hour delay. On top of that the fucker broke down the stop before Newcastle so I had to wait for the next one, which as you can guess was packed solid. When I finally got back it was pissing it down and got soaked for the first time that weekend, weird.

Getting on a bus that was headed for home some weirdos got on a caused a right fuss, pissed as fuck they were and going on about the lightning and god knows what else. It then struck me (not the lightning) that the city I live in has more weirdos than any other place on Earth, or more than the few places I've been.

So, as I say, I had a topping time... anything happened while I was away?