Are you up to the test!?

Just fancied a snack so got myself a packet of crisps. After not many mouthfuls the packet was empty, 'fuck me that didn't take long' I thought so I checked how much was in it. 23g. 23g!!! What!? I know the amount you get in a packet has gone down but that's fucking shocking.

People are falling over themselves to report how petrol is now over a pound a litre but what about the shockingly small portions of crisps? What's going on with Petrol at least makes a sense to a degree what with there being a finite amount of it on the planet and there being fucking wars over it. There's no shortage on potatoes is there? Fucking millions of eateries have potatoes on their menu somewhere so there must surely be farms all over the world growing potatoes in large amounts. There hasn't been any high profile wars over potatoes either, so I can't see any reasonable explanation for the decreasing amount of crisps per packet.

People should be keeping an eye out for the first packet of crisps to weigh less than 20g, it can't be far off. God knows how I'll manage to eat crisps then, the bag will tighter than a fucking glove.

Anyone noticed these ridiculous amounts per packet? What's the smallest portion you've seen?

Im bored shitless and I noticed while reading The Muppet that he'd got a sudoku spam while merely only giving sudoku a passing mention (which was only to say it's shit). This little post is a test to see if I too get spamokud (you're witness to the invention of a new word).

sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku,sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku, sudoku...

...is dull as fuck.

Yesterday I caught myself thinking ‘Kids Today’; I’ve officially become an old bastard. But it’s not totally my fault is it? These kids are fucking abominations right?
They make the stupid things I did when I was their age look like the early days of a great thinker, Darwin possibly or Newton. Maybe that one who discovered X-Rays. Anyway let me recount for you the experience which was the catalyst for this thought, as I’ll be fucked if im keeping this to myself.

So im on the bus reading my book (it’s a bit slow so far but it’s showing promise), when these two kids (14ish) come on, immediately I think ‘dickheads’ but I’ve rushed to judgment before and been wrong to do so, I decided I wouldn’t immediately hate them. After all they weren’t fucking chavs.

As soon as they’re seated one of them ( he was sat straight across from me so I couldn’t help but notice) immediately whipped a length of pink material from his pocket. His mate was impressed by this, well he said something along the lines of ‘’Ere thems fucking wicked they is’. They were shoe laces, NEON PINK SHOES LACES, at this point I again thought ‘dickheads’ but this time I was sticking to it. So dickhead number one then proceeds to take off both his white trainers, remove the original black laces and replace them with the pink. It gets worse…

With the help of Dickhead number 2 they lace the shoes in just under thirty minutes (I shit you not). After which DH 1 says ‘I dunno, they’re not too pink a’they?’ DH 2 replies ‘Nah man, all the lass’ll love ‘em’. I sincerely fucking hope not. If there is any fucking justice on this planet then that waste of organic matter will never have sex with anyone. At the very least I hope he fires blanks.

Im not some wanker whose all against men wearing pink, if you’re a straight bloke and you like the look of pink and of course you look good in it then go ahead, I care not, pink it up. If you’re into the whole gay lifestyle and like pink then you have my blessing, I pass no judgement. What winds me up is you have this lad who doesn’t even like pink whose just wearing it to impress someone else, which is the fucking lamest thing I’ve ever heard of. Not to mention the fact that pink laces looked fucking awful with the clothes he was wearing.

Why can’t people just be comfortable being who they are and have people like them for who they are? Not all people like me, quite a few dislike me a hell of a lot im sure you'll be shocked to learn, I imagine some of them could be won over if I wore neon pink laces but you know what? Fuck them, they’re not worth knowing.

I don’t know… kids today.

Rushing to work this morning as per usual I saw an elderly couple ahead of me. All of a sudden they both started waving at me and my mental processes go into overdrive trying to match their faces to any of the elderly folk near where I live. All of which I’ve probably only spoken to once or twice over the last five years but they always manage to recognise me immediately.

I came to the conclusion that I didn’t know them, they've just mistaken me for someone they do know, you know the way old people are always getting things confused. So I gave them a hearty wave back as I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. They in turn gave me the ‘You’re a fucking weirdo’ look. Bemused I turned round and there’s an old chap a few paces behind me waving to them and giving me odd looks.

Fuck me I laughed so loud everyone crossed the street to avoid me and cars slowed down to see what was going on. I didn’t give a fuck, those coffin dodgers made my day.

I really fucking hate those adverts for sofas. The ones where you see loads of people acting like spazzes (spg?) just because they've got a sofa, you know the one '...sit on it, sleep on it, argue on it, break up on it...', throw up over it more like. I hate the level of condescension here, like we need fucking telling what to do with a sofa. Humans have had chair of one form or another for a fucking long time we don't need telling what to do with them. It's all about selling you some 'cool' lifestyle all fast paced and interesting. Why don't you just have a fast paced interesting life!

It's the same thing with buying jeans that someones already knocked ten bells of shit out of. It's a deconstructed look to make the wearer look like their all cool and interesting and get up to all kinds of wild stuff. Again, why don't you just buy regular jeans, get up to all kinds of wild stuff, then your jeans will naturally get 'deconstructed', saving you a nice little sum of money.

I know the whole coffee shop thing has been talked to death but I just want to quickly add my voice to all those that are annoyed at being regarded as a cunt for ordering a medium hot chocolate. I don't know what all your little words like grande mean in the whole small to large scheme of things and there's no reason why I should. The person serving me knows full well what size medium is.

I was burning some files on to DVD last night when I really looked for the first time at the shitty cover that comes with the blank discs. And I couldn't help thinking that it was weird how the people on the cover are all happy and smiley mid late twenty somethings as opposed to say me a bleary eyed guy burning a whole season of Family Guy. Wouldn't it be great if they put a picture of a bloke on the front snapping a disc in half because it didn't burn properly and was now fucking useless? That's something all blank DVD buyers could relate to.

It's the same thing with video tapes. Take these two to your right, notice how it's bright and the two people are sat together watching something all smiley and happy? Usually people tape things because they can't watch them at regular times, instead having to watch them first thing in the morning or just before they go to bed. Another common situation with a couple is that one of the two will love a show and they other can't fucking abide it, many a time I have to tape a program when my girlfriend is round and watch it later on my own. I know all packing and advertising distorts the truth and this is nothing compared to what some companies do but would it be so fucking crazy for the people on the covers of products to reflect reality once in a while?

Not my words. The words of the Japanese rail association, who after countless complaints from women about blokes going for a bit of a feel have finally taken the necessary measures to stop these grabby males. Separate train cars for women. One of the most advanced countries on the planet is having to resort to isolating women from men as men are seemingly unable to behave themselves.

I knew the problem was bad over there (well, I'd seen it in a few Mangas). But I had no idea it had gotten this bad. 66% of Japanese women admit to being the victim of a perverted feel. 66%! Mental. While im glad something's being done it shouldn't have come to this, the men who 'touch' should be named and shamed in big fuck off fashion so that everyone knows about it.

If I was one of those women and was being touched up I would let off the foulest fart you've ever smelled in your life, I'd wait until their hand was near my hole so they could feel the heat off it. Teach the fuckers to mess with me.

It might come as a surprise for you to learn that im not included at many meetings where I work. Mainly because I stare out of the window counting clouds, plus during the last meeting I attended I fell asleep. After that it was decided that it would be best just to let me know the highlights afterward. What annoys me about those highlights is that for anyone whose not present it says 'apologies', I've never been sorry in my life for missing a meeting nor do I think has anyone else. What it really should say is 'jammy bastards'.

Meetings, presentations, whatever you want to call them I fucking hate them. I think it goes back to my school days when we had to do little meetings and presentations, I fucking hate talking in front of people and obviously telling teachers this will only make them want to subject you to it more (the cunts).

I don't think I've ever been in a meeting which has ever achieved anything. They've always fallen into one of two categories -

1) A general warning that something's coming up which if fucked up will mean a bollocking for everyone
2) A bollocking

People who go to meetings seem to spend the majority of their working weeks in the fuckers. No wonder nothing gets done! Last year there was a big committee type thing put together here to decide on which company to go with for some big purchase, they all spent loads of time doing all kinds of research, at the end of which they came to an agreement and showed their findings to the main bloke who was going to okay the purchase. He ignored the recommendation and went with another company because he had a mate working there. And that's what it all comes down to, it's a load of pissing about so the higher ups can show they aren't just running things without any input from the underlings (which of course they are).

The best advice I can give to those who are dragged into a meeting is to fill your pockets with as much free grub as you can.

Oh well, Joeys had a baby with the bloke from Cocktail. Urgh, I remember fancying the shit out of her and now she's a mum. Christ I feel old. I remember the first time I saw that video of her where she shows of her boobs while drunk, it feels like only yesterday. Well, saying that I think that might be because I watched it again yesterday, still though, always worth another viewing.

* Oh just one more thing (he says Columbo style) what has the Potter and that one from Top Gun gone and called the kid? Suri. Sounds a bit too much like sewer for my liking. She should have called it Jen... Andy would also have been acceptable.

* It’s weird how im so laid back about so many things yet im able to fucking lose it in the blink of an eye. Just now I was trying to post something on the blog and I was getting ‘Files published… 0%’. Over and over with zero fucking progress, still am to tell you the truth so it might be a fucking long time before you read this but Christ on a stick! My eyes started bulging and I started calling the computer, the internet, God, BT and the chair im sitting on total and utter cunts.

* Im just not in the zone for work today. Well, I never am but especially not today, I read probably 40 odd comics yesterday and my minds still spinning with galactic adventures, magical quests and cool government conspiracies. Now im stuck here talking to teachers (whose main business is the crushing of dreams and imagination)… roll on closing time.

*I officially love the little Chinese lady which works at my local Chinese take-away (called rather unimaginatively ‘Good Food’). She must be 70 if she’s a day but she’s always smiling and never fails to lift my spirits. The best thing about her is that as someone’s leaving she shouts in a cheery voice ‘Say bye-bye!’ To which I can’t help but shout back ‘Bye-bye’ with genuine enthusiasm. Im not sure if she says bye like that due to some misunderstanding when she learned the language or whether it’s some ploy to engender good will among her customers. Either way she’s quickly becoming one of my favourite people of all time.

* Speaking of Chinese take-aways, have you ever noticed how free they are with prawn crackers? Odd isn’t it? I can’t help but think that while the Chinese have mastered efficiency in every other aspect of cuisine management they are still flummoxed as to how many prawn crackers to order/make.

* I was in Liverpool this weekend so I checked out the Beatles museum thing (it’s the law). It was pretty good but some fuckers were taking it far too seriously, there’s a bit where you can go in the yellow submarine and I was having a whale of time with the periscope. This middle aged, stuck up couple were giving me right fucking dirty looks, like this was far too serious a place for such monkey shines. What a pack of cunts. You’d think we were in the Tate (which is pretty laid back) the way this duo were behaving. It’s weird to think of Beatles fans that are dickheads. Mind you, they were probably the type of fans who couldn’t tell you the name of a Beatles album if there life depended on it. Fucking phonies.

* Walking through the City I made my way automatically to the nearest cash machine, upon my arrival I was quite annoyed as I’d forgotten that it’d been removed a week or so ago. I don’t understand why it had to go. What was the problem? Its convenient location? Now the nearest cash machine from work is five minutes further away and the queue is twice as long, fucking great eh?

As you may or may not have noticed (depending on how long it takes Blogger to update the pertinent information) I have changed my nom de plume from Le-Lak to The Wanted Man.

Please believe me when I tell you little or no ego is behind this change. For those who are unaware Le-Lak was a very quickly conceived alias to escape those who would treat me unfavourably if they could prove my identity. To be honest though im glad to be changing names, I was getting annoyed at people assuming I was French. Just so you know Le-Lak was merely Kal-El backwards (I know, I know, im a geek).

This new name though is not without a (somewhat) interesting back story. I was walking through the City earlier today when I was stopped by an individual of singular appearance and demeanor.

He was an African gentleman of somewhere between forty five and fifty years of age. A large man with a bald head, bulging eyes and an insane grin, he immediately had my full attention. I've never before seen a man wearing a leather jacket over a sports jacket before (both of which were open exposing his flabby body) but it leaves an indelible mark upon the memory let me tell you. In his right hand he was wielding a batter powered fan which could easily drown out the noise of any busy motorway. He simply looked at me and said 'You are the man... you are the wanted man'.

Who am I to argue?

I don't get any comics on subscription because the things that come through my letter box look like they took a detour through an Iraqi outpost during a bombing raid. That leaved me with the only measure I could take to ease the pressure off picking up all my titles (which used to be a damn sight more in my earlier years let me tell you), a standing order. Which should really solve all my problems, a comic book store collects the comics I specify and every now and then I pop in a pay for them, they get guaranteed business and im guaranteed my comics. This has worked great for my US comics but my UK comics are now well and truly fucked, apparently even though they are on my list they sometimes get missed because they don't come to the store the same day as the US comics do. The staff in my comic book store are well and truly lazy bastards (I need to get a job there).

Ordering back issues is a pain in the ass. The phone line is only open for about 3 hours everyday, which of course coincide with my working hours not to mention it takes roughly half a fucking year for them to arrive through the post, which of course means they're subjected to the middle east treatment that all my post is victim to.

Just when I was seething (that's right, seething) about all that hassle, I found that some of my comics have been stolen! I left some overnight at work after buying them during my lunch hour, I was flipping through them when work commenced so tucked them away where I could retrieve them later. I foolishly forgot about them and this morning I found they're gone. The fucking cleaners must have had them away. The fuckers can't even read. I leave newspapers out almost every night but there still there collecting dust the next day but one sighting of something colorful and they've whipped it away. Fucking magpies.

I only want to read the adventures of Batman, Superman, Spider-Man, Deadpool, the X-Men and Wolverine. It's not too much to hope for is it?

Eeee, wasn't the latest installment of Smallville good? It had Cyborg from the Teen Titans in it. I was chuffed to bits to the see the big fella, it was miles better than the episode with Aqua Man but not as good as the ep with the Flash, Flash rules. I think Cyborg should have been a modified Pete Ross, well, they've fucked with so much Superman continuity on Smallville, one more alteration wouldn't really matter much. It'd be great to see Clark and Pete duke it out a bit and it would also be one more correct Smallville prediction (checkout the predictions I made back in January, a fucking modern day mystic meg I am).

I like that Lionel is still all juiced up with old Jor-El. Hang on. Lionel. Lion-El. Am I the only one seeing that? Oh, apparently I am. Nevermind.

Anyways, I've had a fucking blinding idea. I was thinking who else could need something sending to them sharpish in a discreet fashion but, I didn't want to be such a nasty twat as these condom people and then it hit me - toilet paper!

We've all at one time gone for a dump and afterwards we've reached for the roll and it's empty, then looking for the next roll have realised we're totally out of bog roll! It's a distressing and nervewracking experience, having to wadle around the house looking for a box of tissues or possibly some kitchen roll (shudder).

Well in the near future you'll be able to call/text - Are You Needing Toilet Paper!? Me and my crack team (that's what I'll call them, the crack team, ya'know, like arse crack, hah) will take down you details and the nearest agent in the area will immediatley speed to your location, simply open you bathroom window (if you don't have a window in your bathroom then you're a bit knackerd) and they'll lob a roll through.

Fucking genius eh?

Just flipping round the channels and saw a pretty unimpressive advert but it got my attention when the companys mascot reared its head. A green cockrel which strikes a stunning resemblance to the one usually perched on the box of Kellogs cornflakes, what do you reckon? Am I just seeing things or are these fuckers seperated at birth? Or egg or whatever birds do.

After a very brief read up on both companies im not sure who started using the cockrel first, both companies are old, Kellogs started 1900ish and Riso Bello started 1850ish. If anyone wants to do any indepth research feel free. Im hoping someone from either of the respective companies sees this post soon, it'd do my CV wonders to be able to say I started a huge corporate legal battle.

Right it's that time of year again where novices walk into betting shops and annoy the lifers. I am of course talking about the Grand National. Im sorry to say that I have put a little bet on the event as it killed a few minutes at work. My totally random bet has gone on Numbersixvalverde, someone at work tried to tell me the origin of the horses name but it was so tedious I ran out of the room.

I'll probably watch a bit of the Grand National if im really bored, hopefully someone will go flying off their horse, that's always a laugh.

- Oh just a quick question on horse racing while im here, I noticed that there were two horses running that had two thousand to one odds, I suggested in the office that it would be worth putting a pound on each of them just on the off chance they won. The general opinion was that I was right cunt. But surely the odds on the lottery are far greater so what was so cuntish about my suggestion?

I was walking through town just now and I passed one of those overpriced clothing stores for women (which are all over the place). It obviously wasn’t very busy as the staff were just stood round chatting; one of the ladies was sat on the window sill back facing the outside world. She wasn’t even leaning over much and you could see a vast amount of her arse cleavage. I think that said more about women’s fashion than anything else in the window.

Have you ever noticed how really tall people seem to hang about with people who are below average height? This seems to happen quite a lot, im not sure what the thinking is behind this but I think it’s a sub conscious realisation between them that if you added their heights together and divided that number by two you’d have the height of a regular person. It reminds me of that Mad Max film where that little gnome type fella sits on top of that really big bloke.

It also works on the horizontal as well as the vertical, this morning I saw two women chatting; one of them was stick thin, probably one of those annoying types with a fast metabolism. Anyways, Skeletors mate was as big as a fucking lorry, she could’ve eaten her friend in one gulp no worries.

This phenomenon to an extent has crossed over into the mainstream. Giant-Man and Wasp are a classic team up and what about Little and Large, two of our nations most beloved entertainers?

Im not sure if there’s any point to this particular observation im just wondering if you’ve noticed these odd couples as much as I have and what you make of them. Are you a skinny bloke hanging round with a big Barry? Are you a giant of a woman kicking about with a hobbit? If so, what’s going on? Explain yourself, im curious.

While waiting in a hospital waiting room earlier this week I noticed this bloke come in with only one leg. I over listened to his conversation as it was more interesting than the 10 month old issue of New Look I was reading and it turned out he'd only just lost his leg the poor bugger but was dealing with it.

There was a tiny TV in the room and this other bloke says 'It's a pain watching footy on this what with it being such a small screen'. I was shocked that the bloke thought his minor frustration was going to be of interest to a man who'd just lost a limb but shockinlgy enough he chimed in with 'Yeah I thought that yesterday, it's really bugging me'. If I was in his situation I'd be thinking - MY FUCKING LEG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was just going to perform some hilarious joke to coincide with April Fools day but then I remembered what I was told last night that after 12 am you can no longer pull a prank and if you do so then you are the fool. I've never heard of this before and feel gutted because I was just about to prop a bucket of water on top of a half open door like I've seen done on television oh so many times before.

Failing that possibly pull some cling film over the rim of a toilet, eeee, can you imagine the mess?