Are you up to the test!?

I once saw a beauty interview with Sean Connery, he was opening some museum or something in Scotland and was wearing the full Scottish gear, kilt and all that. This reporter got chatting to him and Sean said something along the lines of 'Oh, I love Scotland me, it's my heritage ya know etc..' the reporter then asked 'Why don't you live in Scotland then?', Seans response? 'Why don't you fuck off'. Genius.

So yeah, i'll be like those people in those adverts 'discovering' Scotland, well, the drinking bit anyway. Im sure upon my return i'll have plenty of hilarious stories and shortbread.

In a bit.

Yes! The team that I've got a small amount of money riding on, Portugal, are through to the last eight! However, they next play England. Where do my loyalties lie? With my money or with my country? Hmmm... tricky.

This is a little bit old but for those who don't know, Lord of the Rings is to be released for the third time. This boxset you see to your right was the last release with each film having four discs, which means twelve discs in total.

Now you'd think that would be sufficient wouldn't you? There can't be anything left to see surely. Well, as a great man once said 'Don't call me Shirley'. Now I only bought the fillums the first time round so im not that irked about this but I bet the hardcore fans are annoyed that their ultimate editions aren't all that ultimate.

Maybe im wrong, maybe the fans will be chuffed to bits at the chance to see new material and I must admit that the new box art does look pretty good but I can't help but get the feeling that we're being taken for a ride (over middle Earth).

I once met Elijah Wood, as I've said before, small bloke he is, those scenes where he looks tiny next to Gandalf, there was no special effects needed.

Just had a candidate in, sat 'em down, told them where to sign etc.... to which they yelp 'Pen!!?', in a tone which says 'You haven't give me a pen you fucking mong'. Now I would have loved to have replied with 'Dickhead!!?' in a tone which says 'It's right in front of you dickhead, open your fucking eyes' but alas I couldn't and instead just nodded my head to indicate it was right in front of them.

I wish I could jab some fuckers in the eye three stooges style.

Oh I was chuffed to hear this gem. Noel Edmonds has gotten repetitive strain injury (RSI) from lifting that gigantic phone of his on every episode of deal or no deal. Why does it have to be that fucking big? In this day and age with phone tech you can get a phone with the physical dimensions of a cream cracker but Noel opts for one which could be used for the clubbing of baby seals (im not one to shy away from tough topics, or make sense).

So why the gigantic phone? Well, it could very well be that someone on the show holds a grudge against old crinkly bottom and has purposefully given him that phone to get their own back. Failing that it could be that Noel injured his arm during some weird sex act, im not sure. What do you reckon happened?

* I was going to try and work in 'grab a grand' somewhere but with how rich he is it wouldn't have really worked. Ah well, there's always next time.

So, what do you reckon of the lastest Banksy? Im the sort of cunt who says 'I don't know art but I know what I like', no out loud obviously, im not that big a cunt. With this in mind I must say I like it, a bit hazy about the whole art argument though. Apparently the local council are having a mass debate on wether it's art or graffiti, if it's decided that it's graffiti it'll get scrubbed off. Shame.

Lets have some topical news shall we? Dustin Diamond, the star of hit show Saved By The Bell is in danger of losing his house! There must be plenty of Screech fans out there so if you want to help the guy check out his site. He's selling t-shirts in the hope of raising the necessary funds.

This would make for a good episode of SBTB, Screech in trouble and the gang coming to his aid, old Screech would probably have to end up living at Mr.Beldings with HILARIOUS results.

This film only got half a star in the local paper, well fuck that shit, this film is hilarious. Check it out! You've got Napoleon Dynamite, Deuce Bigalow and Joe Dirt teaming up!

Its even got a robot butler type thing in it, this was the major detractor for some people in Rocky 4 but not here, no siree, expertley used although slightly creepy.

The plot? *sigh* Well it's about three awkward guys who never got the chance to play baseball as kids, so now grown up, thanks to the help of a billionaire play loads of junior teams which along the way inspire geeky/bullied kids.

As you may have guessed this film is no Schindler's List, it's a bunch of guys having fun and I for one could definatley do with a few more of these kinda films.

David Spade should make a film every year, the guys hilarious.

So far so boring as far as England is concerned. When looking at the highlights (such as they were) from last nights game someone said to me 'That last goal by Sweden was shit', my response? 'Yeah well, it was a shit goal that we let in'.

I saw Italy vs USA, that was a cracking game, I hope the yanks go through now just to piss loads of people off.

The other day I saw a house adorned with a Ghana flag, chuffed to bits I was, about time I saw something other than an England flag. I might have already said this but I'll say it again - I realy don't like those England flags that actuall say 'England' on them. What's the point? Have the flag makers put that on just in case mongs buy a Japanese flag by accident or something?

Whoo! My team in the work thing, Portugal, are through to the second round for the first time in 40 years! I'll take this as a good omen.

Yep, you read that right, I actually got off my arse this weekend, moreover I actually did something. I went to Manchester and saw an awesome gig, for your reading pleasure (I live in hope) I'll give you a brief rundown of what happened.

Went up with some friends (no, they're not imaginary). Got there as the Subways were playing, great band, gave their album quite a few listens last year. The lead singer actually did gig type things, crowd surfing, climbing the scaffolds surrounding the stage, rugby tackling the drummer etc...

Next band on were Angels and Airwaves (keep saying airways by mistake), not liking this new serious Tom DeLong, I preferred the days when he smiled every now and then. What got me the most was that while talking to a crowd that had been drinking for the better part of the day, having a good time, he starts going on about 9/11 and the Iraq war. The wrong place at the wrong time mate. Not too fond of the music either, not bad as background music but it all sounds like Blink-182 b-sides.

Who was next you ask? Well I'll fucking tell you. The Strokes, rocked my boat so they did. What I love about gigs is seeing the effect songs you like have on other fans and it really was a treat seeing people jump about and play air guitar solos when the Strokes did their thang. My feet were a tapping.

Who finished the gig off? Who were the headliners!!? Jesus, calm down, im just about to get to that. It was the Foo Fighters so it was, old Davey and his band were great. A slight complaint I would make is that they weren't on that long, considering how many top tunes they've got. What they did play was great though, Grohl swapped over drumming duties so the lad could rock out a song and that was good also. They finished off with some purty cool fireworks which I liked, which is odd for me as I usually find that kinda thing too gimicky.

Yes the rain pissed me off a bit, yes I did think that the bangers and mash stall running out of yorkshire puddings was a disgrace and yes I do think twenty quid for a t-shirt is a bit much but overall my world was rocked.

Eeee, you shoulda seen the B&B I stayed at, felt like I was in a seventies sitcom. Nice though.

I feel quite bad for those lads who had their door kicked in by the police. One of them got shot which sucks. Upon hearing that the Police were letting them go without pressing any charges I thought 'Some bastards have all the luck. Here's me without any ideas for a blog entry and they get a corker just handed to them AND I bet they don't even have a blog'. Mind you, saying that im sure there'll be a site somewhere for them by now.

What makes me feel less sorry for them is the fact they might get megabucks for the whole ordeal.

The Metropolitan Police is facing a potential compensation bill of £500,000 for two brothers who were held as terror suspects for a week, legal experts have suggested.

It was speculated that Mr Kahar could claim between £100,000 and £250,0000 for his injuries, while both men could claim for libel damages.

Now it must have been pretty scary having guns in your face and they definitely deserve some cash for the door, not to mention some money to get by, while they get over the whole shock of what happened. Still, I think that's an excessive amount of money.

My grand dad was in a little something called World War 2. Now I don't know if you've heard about that but that was a pretty stressful time. He had nightmares and shit after it was all over and yes he got shot but he didn't get a huge payout, as a matter of fact it was kind of the attitude that he should go get a job and get over it. Not the same thing I know but it gets me thinking that there might be some profit in sending the Police an anonymous tip that I've got a weapon of mass destruction. I'll hide in my fridge when they burst in, sure my door and fridge'll be shot to fuck but there should be some money left over for a holiday.

Something that popped into my mind when reading through the lads account of what happened - they say that they didn't even know it was the police until they spotted the words 'Police' on the back of one of the coppers uniforms. What ever happened to police shouting 'Police! Freeze!'? Anyways, isn't funny how the Storm Troopers don't have any insignia or lettering saying 'Storm Trooper' but yet everyone knows who they are? It would be funny seeing someone when faced with Storm Troopers going 'Can I see some I.D?', I imagine he'd get a face full of lazer.

I've been a bit absent on the posting side recently and it's due to how ball stinkingly warm it's been of late, not that im a lazy fucker, well, obviously it's partially that but mainly the warm thing. Christ, last night I came in from work and crashed down on the sofa and I was like a fucking beached whale, it took the efforts of three volunteers to get me up again.

You know what someone had the fucking nerve to complain about the other day? The fact that the centre was hot. I mean, how much fucking power do they think I have? I don't have any fucking X-gene which allows me to control the wheather nor do I have Superman-esque ice breath. Though I must admit that either of those would be cool as fuck. So yeah, im as hot and sweaty as everyone else and there's not much I can do about it.

Do you reckon if my boss caught me with a pint I could claim it was for my onsetting dehydration? I know beer dehydrates you but give me a break, it's fucking wet isn't it?

Okay, am I the only one amazed at how long it takes seemingly empty containers of bathroom goods to actually run out?

Here's my thought process with regards to these magical toiletries -

'Shampoo, my god, how long has it been upside down like that? A week? Will I manage to shake enough out? Yes! Just enough. Bonus!' '
'Shaving foam, jesus that fucker is light, is there going to be enough? Yes there is! Rock on!' *Wipes forehead* *Forehead now has shaving foam on it*
'Okay, tooth paste, fuck me it's scrunched up to hell, there wont be enough will there? Oh my god there is! Awesome. '
'Deodorant, hmmm, the roller ball is a bit dry... yes! Just enough.'
'I was lucky there but I really must go shopping tomorrow and pick up necessary toiletries'.

That was five days ago! Every morning im still getting away with it, my toiletries must have the same technology as Dr.Whos tardis. I should buy more today but I can't shake the feeling that buying more will somehow negate the bottomless phenomena which is currently happening in my bathroom (restroom if you're American or 'the pisser' if you've had a few beers).

Dare I go another day? Shall I attempt the greatest toilet experiment of the 21st century (not sure how many toilet experiments there have been to be honest, I'd guess not many) and see how long I can go? Im tempted to give it a go, for no other reason than the spice it will add to my daily life.

Leave words of encouragement or similar experiences in the comments box. If you're not really bothered and frankly I couldn't blame you, I mean, bottomless toiletries? Sounds like the ramblings of someone whos sniffed too much toilet duck, then just errr.... don't leave a comment, I won't mind, it's all just a bit of fun.

Last week I was tagged by Asterisk (of A Blog About Nowt fame, it's in the links section), and forgot all about it. Oops. I did start it though, honestly. Check out this funky bit of evidence to your right (feels a bit like a court room drama all this *exhibit A!*).

So, Ten things that annoy me about my workplace/colleagues. Im not promising ten but I'll give it a go.

1) Having set hours when I have to work. It's really shit knowing there's hours when you have to work. Some mornings the weather is beautiful and I just want to sit in the garden all day reading and to know you can't is fucking gutting.

2) Traveling to work. I fucking hate traveling, people who when talking about holidays say 'traveling is half the fun' need fucking shooting. I wouldn't even mind it that much if it wasn't for the fucking mongs that use public transport, they shouldn't be let out of the house let alone in a confined space with the general public.

3) Having nasty fuckers as colleagues. When you see someone being all paly-paly to their face then being fucking awful about them behind their back, I want to go over, punch them in the face and never have anything to do with them ever again. But I can't, I work with them so I have to ignore it. That sucks.

4) Having to pretend I care about this piece of shit job. When higher ups ask if there's something bothering me I want to say 'This job is pointless, what you do is pointless, that I have to be here so I have the necessary money to live makes me want to burn this fucking place down'. But I can't, that again, is something that sucks.

5) Not being able to ban some people from testing on sight. Seriously there are some people that come in here that just are fucking sex offenders in the making. You know when you look at someone and you think 'he's fucking dodgy', well there's plenty like that come through my door and they all will someday be working with children. Scary.

6) This job really is pointless. Sure you can test teachers skills but if they can have an infinite amount of tries at the test then what's the point? I had someone here that took over 22 attempts to pass their basic numeracy test. They now most likely work with kids. Pointless.

7) Not being allowed to punch some of the pieces of shit that come through here. In my opinion a good number of people that come in here are utter scum. They're rude, tardy and downright fucking nasty, people wonder about kids in school these days, well, im pointing fingers. Im not saying they're all bad, there are a few good ones but they're few and far between.

8) Seriously, why can't I punch these fuckers!? I know, I know, im kinda cheating with the 'candidates are shit' complaint but it's that bad that it deserves several separate complaints. I had one candidate not long ago make an official complaint about me and take it to the highest possible level. Why? Because they turned up twenty minutes late and I wouldn't let them test. Again, these are people that one day will be teachers.

9) Having family members asking if I enjoy my job. Well, I can hardly say 'No, it's shit'. I don't want to upset them.

10) Getting involved with all the bollocks co-workers generate. So and so is leaving end of the month. What's her name has had a baby. There's a training session in a week at Edinburgh. Did you hear about the works do!? God what a scene! I don't give a shit about any of it.

Just scraped ten!
*Took some messing about to get this to the top of the blog*

So the date is 6-6-6, big fucking deal. I've hard idiots harping on about the end of the world, yet again. Seriously though, how many times have you heard someone going on about the world ending due to a meteor, or a prophesy or because Mystic Megs got gas or whatever piece of tat has made its way to the tabloids.

I told the Panda that the world was going to end, you know what he said? 'Nice one, I wont pay my electric bill'.

What I don't get is that it's not 6-6-6 is it? Not really. It's 6-6-2006, now in the bible it doesn't say 'the number of the beast is 6-6-2006' so what's there to stress about? If you can ignore the two thousand bit this time round, why not 1996? Or 1986? Fuck me 1966! That would have had four 6s!? But we survived those didn't we? So chill out, it's not the end of the world.

Im a bit behind with this one but Batwoman, who was killed off in the late 70s is to return to the DC universe but she's going to be reinvented as gay. Wow (note sarcastic tone, or don't if you want to be difficult). I don't know how this has made it to mainstream news, moreover I can't beleive it was actually considered news worthy.

Some questions my geek self asks (and then answers because im 'special') -

Am I interested in seeing Batwoman return? Yeah, 52 (the follow on from Infinite Crisis) kick arse, so im sure it will be tremendous.

Is it a big deal that we've got a new gay character coming into the DCU? Not really, Montoya 'came out' about two years ago in an incredibly well crafted story, it was expertly handled and gently rocked comicdom and our perception of the character. In a good way. Im not bowled over by the introduction of a lesbian in a cape.

Does the whole thing have a kind of 'stunt' feel to it? Just a bit, either way it'll be great. Im more surprised that a gay character in a fictional story still amounts as news in this day and age. Mind you were talking about an age where gay marriage is still considerd one of the biggest issues facing society. Nevermind terrorism, world debt, the Aids epidemic etc...

Sorry, went a bit serious there. Oh, Infinite Crisis was fucking amazing, when it comes out in graphic novel form you could do worse than read it. If you're in anyway super hero inclined it will amaze.

Lets say that you're a super hero and there's a missile/s flying toward a school/hospital and at best you can only clear half the building before it gets obliterated. You could fly into the missile/s, sacrificing your own life and save everyone. Would you do it?

I was thinking about this earlier while watching Justice League and obviously you think 'Yeah of course' but I was thinking - What if you would be better off alive? Say that in a year of being alive you'd save more than you would by sacrificing yourself in this scenario, then technically you'd be doing the Earth a misservice by ending your life in exchange for the people you'd be saving.

Consider you save half the people and then live another ten years, saving over ten times the amount you would have saved, then that would be far better, but would people think so? You'd most likely be considered a coward, I know that if someone could have saved a loved one of mine and didn't I would probably hate them unconditionally. You've also got to consider if you could live with yourself, would those people you didn't save haunt you? Even though you're doing good everyday?

Im tempted to think that despite the reasoning, sacrifice maybe the better option. You go out in a blaze of glory, if there is any kind of positive after life then that's surely going to ensure you're a part of it, people would remember you, tell tales of you, hell, they'd probably erect a statue in your honour. And your legacy could inspire generations to come.

What would you do? End your life a legend or live a hero. I suppose it comes down to wether your ruled by your mind or by your heart.

Did I mention that I hate my dickhead DJ neighbours? Woken up this morning, on my day off, by those jokers blasting out fucking Duran Duran at 7am! Can you imagine Rio remixed by some fucking mongs? Believe me it's grim.

It's weird, earlier this week I didn't know what a fucking Varb rank was, yesterday I was gutted when it dropped a whole point and today im chuffed that it's gone back up. This blog mainly comprises shite, Pandas, X-Men and more shite, im amazed anyone reads it at all.

Im tempted to somehow fuck with peoples minds who are forced by old Blogmad or Blogexplosion to come here, might put up a message saying 'Congratulations! You've won 100 points, please wait 5 minutes for points to come through'. I imagine irate bloggers will fucking decimate my ranking or whatever it is but at least then I won't care about it anymore.

Definitely need to go out and buy a new magazine, had the same reading material in the toilet for far too long. There's a four month old Metro and two year old copy of Sugar that my sister abandoned god knows when (thinking about it, probably somewhere around two years ago). I've read the article on how to buy the perfect bikini so many times im considering becoming a personal shopper.

Not too sure about this post, it's a bit fucking random even by my standards.