Are you up to the test!?

Rants about Christmas shopping have been done to death, be that as it may Im going to do one anyway, consider this a nail in St.Nicks coffin.

For you fortunate sociopaths who don't have to buy gifts or cards or any other bollocks for people let me say this,

You don't know you're fucking born.

It's a right fucking hassle getting about, fuckers everywhere trying to decide what ill thought out gift to get those unfortunate enough to know them. I got into the City early this morning as I'd been at a dinner party the night before (yes me at a dinner party, but that's a story for another time) and thought I'd make good use of the time getting some gifts.

Well, it was somewhat productive, got some Christmas cards in Borders, in the queue for the checkout though the woman ahead of me asked the cashier about this ghastly toy that was on sale, the conversation was so retarded I decided to preserve it for prosperity.

'What this do then?' *Looking at the toy*
'Oh, it looks nice'
"Oh, when you look at it?'
'Well, errrr, all the time really' *Looking a bit confused*
'Oh wow, isn't that great'
These are the sort of idiots that come out of the woodwork at Christmas time.

On the gift side of things I struggled quite a bit, because you've got to think of something the person likes, then you've got to think of the sort of price range you're working in, not to mention wrapping ramifications afterward. *Sigh* I wish you could just give people money, which brings me onto my next little moan.

Gift vouchers used to be just for things like books and were quite specialised so in a way it was quite a good gift, you have a friend who reads a lot, you buy them a book voucher, it's all good, they've got some cash off their next book and you've shown in a way that you know a little bit about them. These days though every man and his dog sells vouchers (I fear to think what those would for), you can get HMV coupons, I like HMV, you can buy anything in there, games, music, books, posters, dvds and more besides. This means though that getting someone a HMV coupon is pretty much the same as giving them cash, so whats been done is that money, which is good everywhere has been substituted for something which is only good in one store. Doesn't make much sense does it.

I know what im going to get the Panda, a giant bottle of Whiskey, that should keep him happy until Boxing Day, well, probably sometime Christmas afternoon but he'll probably fall asleep and not wake up until Boxing Day.

I wish good luck to those Christmas shopping, I recommend giving people a really good sharp elbowing that usually moves them out of your way. And to those who are buying me a present I'll be very grateful for anything I receive but if you buy me a Coldplay album I will not see the funny side, you however will the see nasty side of a Pitbull that's just been kicked very hard.

The only dampener on the event was that Coldplay headlined it.

Where to start? The audience I suppose, they mainly consisted of people I find disagreeable, all in their thirties and looking pretty sad. With all the Black Motorolla Razrs and Thai Brides I saw I think Chris Martin should do a song about them.

How about -

It writes itself really, I'd suggest calling it 'Another small fortune for Coldplay'.

Its a bit of a cliche to take a pop at Chris Martin but fucking hell, the mans a lunatic, the way he runs about the place reminds me of a child with a learning difficulty, I'd recommend putting him on medication, quickly followed by an overdose.

I particularly found it interesting how he kept annoying the bloke who played lead guitar, ruffling his hair or tugging on his arm, if Liam Gallaghers tried that shit with his brother there would be a fight so explosive that all three of the major emergency services would need contacting, probably throw in cave rescue as well (you never know).

I also have a a bone to pick with the price of merchandise at said event, now I've seen some over pricing in my lifetime but the Coldplay programs broke all prior records at a staggering twelve pounds (Hasn't everyone involved with that band made enough money yet?), I had a quick peep at one, it didn't even look very good. Just pictures of the band and some nonsensical catchphrases 'How can you know yourself if you've never been anyone else?', yeah, you're clearly a great thinker, calling you're daughter Apple was inspired, wait, did I say inspired? I meant insipid.

After the gig I was looking for a Richard Ashcroft T-Shirt from the dodgy blokes who kick about afterwards, not a single one in sight, just truckloads of Coldplay t-shirts and hoodies in varying colours. Upon asking a bloke if he had any Ashcroft t-shirts he just said 'No', Richard Ashcroft, a bloke who was part of one of the greatest bands of the nineties doesn't even warrant his own dodgy t-shirt, what a sorry state of affairs.

You can't keep me away from a comedy gig these days so for your entertainment or education (possibly both) here's another comic review.

I was at the Hi-Fi club this time, I'd never been to this particular venue before but found it much to my liking. Nice atmosphere, nice staff, good selection of drinks on tap, admittedly a lot of them weren't available on the night but im not the sort of bloke to hold a grudge. A bit pricier than the Library (ten quid) and a little strange when in there to think you're underneath an Oxfam but all the same I'd recommend it.

The compere was one Dominic Woodward and I must say he's the best compere I've seen in a long while. The bloke just seemed born for the role of comedian, his affable nature won me over almost instantly and his banter with the crowd and humorous insights had me chuckling loudly. Spoke with the chap briefly afterwards, only briefly mind, he was on the pull and he seemed a nice guy. He was a bit excited that he was going to get a positive review and then a bit disappointed it was just for my little blog.

The first act was Gavin Webster and he was hilarious. He did a bit on Pandas which had me crying with laughter (the Panda might not have been quite as impressed) and when I think about his set now it brings a smile to my face. Definitely go see the bloke, apparently he's one of those guys that does the same stuff every time you see him but in this case I don't think it matters.

The main act was billed as Dan Nightingale but we got instead Bennett Arron, a half Welsh, half Jewish comedian who was very funny. The problem with Arron was that being a very softly spoken chap he was drowned out by the audience a lot. What I heard of his material was good though and would like to see the bloke again.

* Im noticing a trend of women calling me 'love', this is beyond the reasoning of my male brain although I do have a slight feeling of annoyance. The other day a woman called me 'darling', if I'd called her darling she'd probably have tried to chin me. This disturbance in the force worries me.

* A woman came in earlier called 'Zena', what sort of shite name is that? Zelda or Xena I would have understood, extremely sad and geeky but at least understandable. Zena is a totally wank name.

* Yesterday this hippy wanker came in, you could tell his main source of income were mummy and daddy, just trust me on this. Anyways he's hippying it up and this mildly attractive woman asks me a question, I reply with 'Just a second, I'll deal with this dude and be right with you'. You could see the conflict on his face, his facade meant that he had to be good natured about being called a dude but you can tell that he was infuriated, the pathetic shadow of his father that he was.

* We all know we're going to die (Unless we've got some immortals reading, if so, where do I sign up?), so why is it almost no one plans a decent funeral? The first three letters of funeral spell 'fun', isn't that a big enough clue that you should have a laugh? Me, im thinking everyone has to spend a weekend playing a huge came of cluedo at a pre-booked mansion, the cause turning out to be that I killed myself when Madonna came on the radio (very likely). Failing that possibly a themed funeral where everyone has to dress up as their favorite front man of the nineties (I shudder to think how many Liam Gallaghers and Axel Roses will turn up).

* This morning the Panda bombarded me with some of his cologne, 'Have a wiff' he says and now I smell like the perfume counter at Debenhams.

* Got round to reading some comics the other day, including the Ultimate Spider-man annual, am I the only one thinking that Peter Parker and Kitty Pryde could be one of the coolest comic book couples ever?

* Why is it that when you walk into a video arcade you become obsessed with a game you wouldn't normally go out of your way to buy? I must have spent a good twenty Euros on Time Crisis 3 this weekend! *Shakes fist*

* The last time I was in a restraunt there was on the menu 'French Fried Potato Slices', I asked the waiter 'Are those chips?', he answered 'Yes'. Why the fuck don't they just put chips? It would be a lot easier and we'd all be a bit more honest about what we're eating.

So im homophobic and am going to stay homophobic.*Shakes head* Although I don't like the term homophobic because it implies that im scared of them when I just don't like them. I hear people bang on about peoples freedom of lifestyle but you look any of them in eye and ask them if it's right to be gay and none of them will tell you it is.

Panda

I was back at the Library pub last Thursday for more top comedy and wasn't disappointed.

The compere, one Tony Richardson was very capable, a quick wit making up for a not so strong stage presence. His accusations that a woman in the audience was turned on by pigeon impressions made me giggle.

The first act was Smug Roberts and im going to say that I liked him even though he was received less favorably by my friends. I wouldn't want to see the chap again as he seems to me like the type of comic who does the exact same set (I actually just checked into some reviews of his and this is infact what he does do) but it was funny for what it was. I'll never be able to hear Take That again without a wry smile, as opposed to the previous grimace.

The main act was Jason Manford, in reviews he's described as being similar to Peter Kay and with his portly appearance and similar accent you can see why. He works well with a crowd and is a genuinely funny man, thanks to him I now know the best way to freak someone out who has narcolepsy. At this point I have to raise my hand and admit that I did indeed fall asleep during his act which is a great annoyance to me but I had been out since half two and at the time of his act it was going on eleven. Fingers crossed I'll the have opportunity to see him again in the future.

I was going to get plenty up on the blog today but I had a few drinks earlier and just don't have the energy now. The Panda should be by tomorrow, if not, just wait longer.

So, Amsterdam was nice, between Porno Supermarkets and pillocks on bikes trying to hit me I think I got a full experience of the culture.

What happened while I was away? Well, that oil depot blew up didn't it? Im sick of hearing of all these cunts banging on about hearing the bang.
Am I really the only one who thinks some of these people heard another bang? Like a garage door slamming shut or a party popper?

While we're on this topic I just want to address the concerns people have about dickheads with cameras putting themselves in danger to get footage of the inferno. It's a good thing, if your that much of an idiot that you're willing to risk you're life for a few hundred qiud then the worlds better off without you.

There's been this little joke that when I leave the country a good celebrity dies (a year ago I went on holiday for two weeks and during that time Christopher Reeve and Rodney Dangerfield died), what happens while im out of the country for two days? Richard Pryor dies. It didn't come as too great a surprise I suppose, he's not a young man and has been dealing with multiple sclerosis for a long time but sad none the less. Richard Pryor 1940 -2005.

Before I go, has anyone seen that Space Cadets? What a load of wank, the show should just be called, 'how to fool a bunch of idiots into thinking that they are going into space when really their in Suffolk'. I remember when Johnny Vaughn used to make me laugh on Big Breakfast now when I see him I just want to punch the bastard.

I've not played many Final Fantasy games, in all honestly I've not played many RPGs in general (only Dark Chronicle and Grandia come to mind) but it's tops in my book.

Just take a look at Final Fantasy 7, you've got a badass with a sword joining a bunch of terrorists who go from trying to improve the world to discovering a plot of a loony to annihilate it and in turn make it their mission to stop him.

Awesome stuff, with more extras and sidequests than you can shake a big stick at, did you defeat Ruby and Emerald weapon? I did, im awesome.

My favorite character? Hmmm, a tough one, I'll say Cloud, obvious I suppose but Omni Slash fucking owns. Runner up would be Tifa because she's usually over looked but kicks arse, her multi combo limit break is a treat. Who went round Gold Saucer with her as opposed to Aeris? I did because I like birds with dark hair.

While we're on with that what's this I hear about Cloud and Tifa shagging? Im not the sort of person who would miss something like that but according to some they got it on when they stayed at the High Wing while everyone else left to see their families and what have you. Hmmm, an overactive imagination on the part of others?

Red 13 was a good character but his life was a bit dodgy. He'd had loads of experiments done on him at a laboratory but he was already a wolf/lion thing before he went there, what the hell did they do to him? Test cosmetics on him? His dad was made of stone but could shed tears (a little odd) and his grandad was a floating human with no legs, does anyone else think that old man shagged an animal? I do because he seems like the sort who would.

Breeding Chocobos was a load of fun, unlike in other FF games were you just capture them to run around for a while. I did like it in, I think it was Final Fantasy 4 where you got a purple chocobo which could fly, they should bring that back in the newer ones. Did anyone else breed a gold Chocobo? I did, im fucking great when it comes to breeding.

Also, did anyone else feel ripped off that we didn't get Chocobos Mysterious Dungeon (can't be arsed looking up its proper name)? I understand that it wasn't very good but we should still have been given the chance to purchase it if we fancied or let it collect dust in a bargain bin.

FF7 also had the Turks who were amazingly cool, with their matching suits and generally laid back attitude. The idea of an alternate group is brilliant, I love it when their just hanging out in that restaurant and on the second disk when you can either choose to fight or go your seperate ways was an excellent touch. Did you fight them and then beat the hell out them? I did, you should have guessed that.

Cid was never better than in FF7 as a nutter who knocks his wife about. In other FFs hes a bit of an inventor and usually sports a beard, in FF8 he was that stuffy principle (he did shag a sorceress though, that's quite impressive) and in FF9 he was that daft king which got turned into an insect. He was quite cool in FF10 admittedly but still no match for the FF7 Cid.

I liked Aeris a lot but was pissed of that she died at the end of the first disc, yes an emotional scene, booo Sephiroth and all that but what really annoyed me was I'd been leveling that bitch up all of the first disc, what a waste of leveling time!

Sephiroth is the best villain in a Final Fantasy to date, bollocks to your Sorceress or that Kuja (I did quite like him though) you can fuck off with you Sin as well. He had a bad ass sword, wore a fucking mean outfit, killed everyone in his path and generally kicked arse. The fact that he was a fucking loon makes me like him even more and the way he kept coming back for more was awesome unlike some other video game bad guys I could mention. How awesome was it at the end of FF7 when you cut the fuck out of him then scarpered?

He was even awesome in Kingdom Hearts and he only had a tiny part in that as a hidden boss. My main complaint there is that he just wasn't difficult enough to beat, that and he was voiced by one of the blokes from N-Sync. True.

Theres recently been a movie released about the game, I think you'd struggle to name many other games as old as FF7 that are having movies made about them now. If you say Doom, although that is a good answer I'll tell you to fuck off.

On top of that you've got a spate of mini games and odd type sequels being made because Square or Square Enix as its known these days know as well as I do that FF7 is the best of the bunch.

If you've never played the game then go buy a copy, get it played, then come back and re-read this post you'll find everything I've put to be 100% correct. Then wait patiently for the film to come out on DVD or illegally download it, the choice is yours.

Saw Angelina Jolie on the news this morning, now im not usually bothered by her activities, I find her a so-so actress who pouts too much but now she's pissed me off.

Her weird relationship with her dad is fair enough, im not even that surprised about her getting off with her brother every now and then because she looks like the sort of weird tart who'd enjoy something like that but this whole 'rainbow family' thing of hers just pisses me off.

Everyones got all this praise for her like shes doing something amazing. Bollocks.

She wants a big family. She could have her own children but no she doesn't want to do that, being either too much of pussy for the pain or afraid she won't be offered work on another multi million dollar film if she's not in top physical shape, you decide.

So she adopts, fair enough I suppose but now she's going on about how she wants a 'rainbow family', now that is just fucking weird. There is no short supply of Cambodian orphans, does Jolie want to adopt another one, no, shes already got one. She tried to get a Russian but didn't have the patience to go through their adoption policy. She's now got an Ethiopian and is after a third. She strikes me as some fucking warped collector.

I hate the way she trundles out that 'saving the children' line every single time, it's utter shite. With all her money she could establish a foundation which could help thousands of children, she just wants her own little international exchange, not wanting two of the same type of child because shes got no use for 'swaps', she's totally devoid of morality.

Doesn't the term 'rainbow family' just strike you as wrong? Different races living under the same roof I have no problem with. Purposely picking kids based on their ethinicity, now that's the behaviour of a prick. Jolie isn't the only one either, there are some other rich nut cases that are in on this, I hate the lot of them.

Watch out Jolie, look what happened to the last weird rich person who meddled with kids. Okay, he was found innocent but he's been shunned by the A-list and I imagine that'd be worse than death for the likes of you.

You've been warned.

Panda

Yes it's that time again, Liam has run out of ideas. So what have I been up to? Not a lot really, I went to house party on Saturday and recovered/relaxed on the Sunday.

Now as a general rule I don't go to house parties, events full of people you don't know and don't want to know while listening to shite music.

I knew no one there but my lovely girlfriend who'd invited me along (if anyone else had invited me to a house party I'd have politely declined) and there were DJ's present with all the gear and everything, so from the outset we have the formula for a shite night.

It wasn't that bad though, there were some stuck up pricks and some standard tossers but because they were all masking their general unpleasantness behind a mask of social nicety I could pretty much tell them to get stuffed without fear of reprisal.

Then the night got actually good when someone came round giving out rounds of a mysterious red liquid, it was in a vodka bottle and smelt strangely pleasant and familiar, I was still weary however because some people around me did look as if spiking a drink wasn't beneath them.

I enquired as to the nature of the drink and was told it was 'Skittles vodka', that was the smell, a bag of Skittles but how was this heavenly drink made? I was then told as it turned out by the creator of the mixture that it was something she usually whipped up at social functions, the recipe for which passed onto her by a student at a festival. Not the greatest origin story ever but still miles better than Annakin Skywalker, what the fuck are midicloreans anyway?

So to create Skittles Vodka you simply get a bottle of Vodka and two big bags of skittles (obvious I know but if I don't put that someone’s bound to try and make it with brandy or something ridiculous), take out all the green Skittles because this fucks the taste and ruins the colour, then pour all the rest into the bottle. It's best to leave it two weeks, giving it the occasional shake every now and then to see that it all mixes and dissolves as it should, once it becomes a strong ruby red colour its ready for drinking.

I found it delicious and was gulping down glasses of the stuff and asking for refills, it was pointed out to me that I was drinking 40% Vodka pretty fast, I took that on board and kept drinking the stuff anyway.

Around this time one of the shit DJ's left the decks and another bloke took his place, obviously im not expecting much but then someone says he plays indie rock and roll (someone actually asked what indie rock and roll was but then again this was the same person who claims to do contemporary classic dance). The guy gets started and he’s actually playing good, enjoyable music, the people came alive and started having a good time, im a bit of my head at this point from drinking a shit load of beer and vodka so im having a really good time as well.

The good DJ then left at it was back to that speed power bass stuff that the young people listen to which coinciding with me feeling knackerd I took as my cue to go to bed, much to the surprise of some people as the music was so loud it was actually shaking the walls but when im tired I can sleep through a riot.

There were some scary people milling earlier in the night that no one really knew doing dodgy stuff, like popping pills and getting up to god knows what in the bathroom but they went on there way eventually with a few beers and everyone was glad to see the back of them.

Overall though a good night and the following morning wasn’t too unpleasant, a full bag of fizzy fish might not be the best breakfast in retrospect but it did give me the energy to get out of bed.

The City Varities has foolishly cancelled its last few comedy nights, fuck them, I've found a new venue, The Library Pub which I went along to last Thursday.

At only five quid in I was already liking the venue (a Yorkshire man knows the true value of a pound), it was easy to find and has a nice atmosphere, with a respectable choice of largers on tap as well as their reasonable price I found myself quickly repressing all memories of the Varities.

Before the gig I saw Silky, who kindly did me an autograph and a sly discount (oh yes readers I have friends in high places) and gave praise for the blog. What a top bloke.

The compere was one Danny Deegan, a little weak I must say. The lad seems to be suffering from a lack of good material, although from reading his reviews it seems that he's got a lot of stuff he didn't use. I do like comedians who converse with the crowd but his direct confrontation was a bit dull after a while. I did find him funny in places and he does seem quite witty, one to check back on in the future.

Silky was the first main act and it may seem like im just sucking up because he's given me some praise but I honestly think he should have been the main act. It was 99% new material and I've only seen him about two months ago. Very funny stuff, I liked his twin towers remark and think he should keep his bit about being a Liverpudlian veteran (it made me laugh). He even had a new song, an hilarious paedophilic version of Wheatus' Teenage Dirtbag. For more info on Silky check out the link on your right, his blogs a good read too.

Robin Ince finished off the night, funny as always. My only complaint is that it was pretty much the exact same material he used when I last saw him and he didn't do the bit about his ex-girlfriend working in an Aldi (which is my personal favourite). I did like it though when he cut down some hecklers and later on some tossers who started talking.

A good night at little cost. I'll be back at the Library this Thursday so keep an eye peeled for my next comic review.