Are you up to the test!?

Well, this blog is one year old today. Kinda crept up on me, much like my own birthdays. Google are also celebrating their birthday today which is a cool coincidence.

I suppose this is where I get all dull and introspective? I don't really fancy doing that. I enjoy doing this blog and hopefully will still be doing it in a years time. I do apologise for the times when there's been a big slump in posts, I am a lazy bastard but will do my best to fight against my natural impulse to laze around and eat sweets in the future.

Oh, and thanks to anyone whos ever commented, it's always nice to know you're not speaking to yourself. I would comment more myself but works internet is still all spunky so I can't do that, nor can I view comments so if you've asked me a burning question with regards to who'd win in a fight between Robocop and the Terminator, or anything of that nature then please bear with me.

It is a strange thing when you bump into someone you used to go to primary school with. I make this comment as that is what has just happened to yours truly. My first thought was 'Why are you out of uniform?' but then I thought that at twenty odd years of age their mum probably doesn't make them wear it anymore.

Not to suggest that im in my school uniform. That would just be weird.

Another thing that is odd about it is this need to impress. To be honest I never really knew this person, hell, I didn't really like them but here I am giving out my most 'Bloody hell, aren't I awesome?' vibes.

I think I made a good first impression as I was maxing relaxing, listening to the Lemonheads and reading Pride and Prejudice, so I was at the height of my interesting/eclectic powers.

While im on the subject of the Lemonheads I must report that I still haven't obtained anyone to go with. How sad am I? That's right. Very.

At this point im considering buying two tickets and just giving one to a friend so as to secure some company. If only Evan Dando knew about this, it's the sort of thing he'd write a song about.

I was at a party recently that I enjoyed tremendously, however, it has recently come to light that events occurred that now make it interesting to blog about.

A girl at said party stayed over due to hammering down a bottle of Lambrini, the boyfriend having work the next day couldn't face the challenge of looking after her. A friend of mine also stayed over, his reason being that he's a social misfit. Anyway, the next day he gets up and is sleeping on the floor in the front room, the girl was sleeping on the sofa but is now gone.

The first thing that hits him is a terrible smell, he looks over at the vacated sofa and in between the sheets of the girls resting place is a big turd. A fucking turd, can you believe it?

What gets me about this story is that everyone knows she was there, yet shes got up, put her shoes on and legged it, leaving the evidence behind. You'd take the sheets with you and clean them wouldn't you? Even better, you'd throw them away and buy them some new sheets.

It gets weirder when you consider that the girl has yet to bring this subject up and has come out again since. Like, shes pooed on someones sofa then met up with them for a drink and no one has brought up the brown incident.

Even if you did run out due to panic you'd surely phone them up and apologise and offer to pay for cleaning expenses etc... But no, infact the hosts feel bad at the idea of bringing the subject up. Very odd.

On a side note :

The turd ended up going all over the sofa when it slid off during the pick up of the sheets. Even after numerous scrubbings the cat still refuses to go into the front room.

Today the college is throwing a 'student festival', upon seeing this abomination I can safely say that it is the greatest deterrent to a person entering higher education that I've ever seen, bar student fees.

You have some gimp playing DJ, god knows where they've dragged him from, they probably put an ad in the paper - 'Person required to annoy the general public with an unpleasant, unnecessarily loud noise'. While all staff have stupid smiles plastered over their faces.

The honey moon will soon end, oh yes, it will soon end.

This morning I took the bus to work with my sister. She's got one of those Ipod thingys, she offered me a headphone, I at first declined but soon banged it in my left lug, you know what she said 'You best not have any ear wax', siblings eh?

I am seriously not ready for any sort of personal music device of that nature. Much like that family in Gremlins weren't ready for old Gizmo, oh yeah, bang water on him, give them a bucket of KFC after midnight, whats the worse that could happen? Idiots.

Oh yeah the music thing, not ready at all. We got the Ghostbusters theme tune on and I was banging my head like a crazy person. I came close to singing out loud about 5 times, if I had one of those things myself I'd probably end up trying to get the driver to do a duet with me and we both know how wrong that'd be. I've heard him humming, the mans tone deaf.

Im in a room where quite a few people can see me and my jeans are slowly but surely falling down. Since my chucky monkey phase post Amsterdam I had to move my belt notch up one, or down one depending on how you look at it.

After some huffing and puffing the old belly is a bit less flabby, which of course makes me chuffed but I am at the moment in danger of showing off my crap green boxers the next time I stand up.

Why oh why couldn't I have put on a cool black pair this morning?

It's a shame there isn't anything wrong with my fly because then there would be a weird insected theme to all of todays posts, that would have been good. But sadly there isn't, so it isn't.

I'll have to try and hoist them up as discreetly as possible. Being well raised does have its downsides, you can't mess about with your trousers in public without feeling self concious.

Update!

Don't worry, it all worked out okay. Enough people vacated to create a blindspot.

Is there anyway to avoid a wasp flying at your head without looking like a complete berk?

There I was this morning, looking interesting and mysterious as usual (read scruffy and odd smelling, well, that's a kind of mystery isn't it?), when I spot a wasp making a bee line (wasp line surely?) straight for my eyeball.

When a wasp is zooming for your eyeball your immediately presented with options as to how to react to this insectoid threat. I for one never adopt the attitude of 'stand still and it will leave you alone', instead I weave my head like a pro boxer, sadly this leaves the people who were thinking I was all interesting and mysterious in the frame of mind that they were mistaken and I am in fact a mental.

Shame.

The other day I was walking through town when some meat head took one look at me, in my usual scruffy attire, looked at my Kaiser Chiefs T-Shirt and said 'Kaiser Chiefs are shit'. I was gob smacked, fucking gob smacked, I should have said 'Where's your band nob head?' but as they say, hind sight is twenty twenty.

Now I know people out in internet land will be going 'Well yes, Kaiser Chiefs are shit, they are x number of bands that are better.....', you know what? I fucking well know this. It's a five quid t-shirt I picked up outside a gig, im not Ricky Wilson. Im not one of their fucking roadies, I claim no immense love of them. But if I want to listen to them and like them, that's my god dam fucking right. I personally think Artic Monkeys are a pile of old Artic Monkey shite but I wouldn't say so to someone who said they liked them. Why? Because it's their right to like them.

I don't even know what bands are considered cool these days.*Sigh* It's all so fucking tiring, im sick to death of everyone fucking falling over themselves to prove to others that they have a good taste in music. Myself included.

You have profiles with people saying -

Favourite Music - Oh, allsorts, I've got a really diverse music collection. People resort to these sweeping statements to hide some imagined embarrassing musical taste just to escape the ridicule of people they don't even know, how sad.

It's like, if I said 'I like Kanye West' im sure there'd be people thinking 'Fucking hell, how lame' and so im giving it 'Well, I like all sorts of music...' and at this point I start naming bands I like which im pretty sure other people will agree are cool such as AC/DC, Hendrix, Velvet Underground, The Shins, Public Enemy etc.... Now I do genuinely like these bands but I do also like stuff which other people probably don't like, such as the Chiefs and I end up feeling half bad that I like it, like it's against some cool law and as im thinking myself quite cool I must be going against some fundamental aspect of my character.

Im so frustrated by all this musical superiority bullshit. Im going to go reminisce about the time I went to an Avril Lavigne concert while I try to find someone to go to see the Lemonheads with. Later.

It's weird the courses kids do at school these days. The other week I'd volunteered (read - been dragged in against my will) to help with enrollment. The usual subjects were there to be entered - English, Maths, Science etc... but some of them were a bit surprising for 16/17 year olds.

One kid had 'Statistics GCSE E', now I thought 'Ah, he must have confused statistics, a lesson he did in Maths with the name of the whole subject', but no, it is an actual GCSE you can do on its own. What a telling sign of a times, when were constantly being assuaged by Politicians and spin doctors with statistics that we've got a new generation coming who have been especially educated in it.

Some of the other subjects I saw included stuff like sociology and psychology (which of course im not people against studying at like degree level but GCSE?), im not even going into the whole thing of P.E now being a something you can get an educational grade in, I know, I know, they study healthy eating and the body but still, seems a bit dodgy.

At the high school where I used to go im informed that all you have to do is English, Maths and Science, the rest you can decide yourself. Back when I was a lad you had to - do a language, do some kind of 'design and technology' and either history or geography. That probably hacks me off more than anything, you now don't have to do either history or geography... what a disgrace.

It's just so typical isn't it? Some teachers are talking with parents -

'The kids don't seem to enjoy doing languages'
'Hmmm, lets not make them do it then'

Mark my words, we'll live to see the day when kids don't have to do English or Maths. Science will go first and then one day some potty MP will pass some stupid law to get the younger demographic voting or some head master who always needs a calculator will decide to ease off and BANG! One more step back down the ladder. It makes me nauseous.

There was one kid I enrolled who had A stars in everything. I was tempted to ask why they were enrolling at a dump like our college but there was management buzzing about and they probably would have thrown a hissy fit.

So yeah, im back. I've been back a while now but I've only just got round to putting finger to keyboard. Amsterdam was good, I did pretty touristy things but I had a good time. The place I stayed at this time round was run by Americans which made it quite sureal, hearing all the Amercian twang while having a nice smoke.

Apart from the Americans everyone else obviously spoke something other than English, be it Duth, German or French and I actually miss that now. I wish to god I couldn't understand all the vapid, boring conversations I hear round here. It's ace when people are talking and you can't understand them as you can imagine there talking about something really intellectual and interesting, instead of bragging about how many pints one had the night before or how good x factor was.

It must be said that im a bit of a chunky monkey these days, I think you're officially of the flabby simian variety when you have another spare lard to smother a small child. I could manage a rhino with my belly but fuck it, big is beautiful and im not shaping my body to the ideals of a image obsessed society and all those other arguements ive heard large people on Oprah use.

Aren't customs weird these days? Coming home they were x-raying shoes if they had a 'thick sole'. I saw a lady be asked to take her high heels off but a dude wearing docks was left alone. I don't understand the logic, are terrorists only hiding their weapons inside ladies fashion or something?

I really need to get back to the good old days when I actually had a proper subject to pontificate on. I'll have a suck on one of these hemp lollies (I doubt they do fuck all but who knows?) and get back to you.

So yeah, im going to spend a few days in Amsterdam, chilling out, relaxing and maxing all cool. I asked my dad if he wanted me to bring anything back, his response? 'Nah, I don't think Hollands got owt I want', he banged that answer out in 5 seconds flat! That's you told Holland. My mum on the other hand wants 800 cigs.

I heard about Steve Irwin earlier today, that is a bummer as I liked the bloke. In all honesty though im not amazed that he got killed, lets face it, he didn't live the safest life did he? Although a sting ray is a bit feeble, I bet old Stevie would have preferred being eaten by a Whale or something of that dramatic nature. Anyways, this ones for you Steve...

Crikey!!!!!

Ah, for fucks sake, thats all I need. Blogspot has now been blocked on my works poxy internet. It winds me to fuck when a website I like gets blocked. I know I can use those by pass sites but they usually have the speed of a turtle thats been knee capped.

There's far too a hardcore attitude to people doing a bit of surfing during work hours. Especially when I see so many fuckers just chatting away. I don't like that many people where I work so that's not always an option.

The whole attitude of 'Wanted Man, it doesn't look very professional when people see you reading Wizard.com' fucks me off because I don't think people seeing these bloaters scratching their arses and shooting the breeze is cracking either.

Hopefully this wont lessen the awesome amount of posts I bang out.