Are you up to the test!?

This gig was in a new venue for myself, the Theatre Royal and Opera House in old Wakefield town. Quite a posh venue which the comics were quick to pick up on but overall a nice little place to see comedy. A spacious lounge, comfy seats, recommended.

The compere was Silky, who I've had the pleasure of seeing a few times before. He was on top form as usual, the idea of their being a Wakefield Phantom was hilarious. We got one musical number from Silky this time round, the very funny 'Your hair is on fire'. He did his job of warming the crowd up perfectly, a good set all round.

The first act was George Egg. Now I didn't know what to expect from this guy as reviews varied greatly as to whether he was any good or not, most saying he was hilarious, others saying he was odd at best. At first I wasn't sure if he was going to be actually funny as he started producing props and not speaking, an interesting approach but not wet yourself hilarious. Well I was proven wrong as I soon started chuckeling and his comical little shrugs and grins won the audience over pretty quickly. I didn't appreciate being called a cunt for owning a Commodore 64 but im willing to forgive and forget.

The main act was one Anvil Springstein, who I hadn't obtained any info on before the gig. A comedian with over 15 years of experience which shows on the stage as he manages the crowd with ease. He really got me thinking about how shit kids shows are today and what a cliche Scouser jokes really are, whilst being funny. The guy cracked me up and he was only talking about Carlisle. A top comedian who anyone with a sense of humour would like.

'Victoria Newton* is a fucking bitch!'
-Kirby

*Ms.Newton writes for that rag the Sun.

Rumours abound that Peep Show is soon going to be axed by Channel 4 due to low viewing figures. Peep Show is a fucking genius show about two weirdos who share a flat, it basically revolves around stalking, idiocy and hilarious comments.

* Bad News - Friends is coming back, *sigh* I thought we'd got rid of these fuckers. The jammy cunts are getting 2.75 million each for four episodes.

* Good News - Will and Grace will soon be over... at long fucking last.

'Don't be stupid, you'll not catch crabs down there!'
- A random bloke talking about fishing

I wasn't going to post anything for a while but with what I'll be undertaking this evening I thought it best. I've somehow been talked into doing some ice skating, god knows how, im shitting myself. I have a full, clear image in my mind of what's going to happen, I'll put on my skates, go out onto the ice, go flying backwards cracking my neck on the ice and dying almost instantly.

The other day I was out and about. On me travels I see this father and son walking along. The kid jumps onto this wall much to the annoyance of his dad. He's shouting at the kid to get down but the little lads having none of it, the dad then poses possibly the best question I've ever heard.

Im bored, so for my own amusement and possibly yours we're going to put the best of the best up against each to determine who is the greastest!

The Greatest Monkey - King Kong vs Donkey Kong

Two goliaths of popular culture both with a love of bananas, King Kong obviously famous for his love of women a twentieth his size and climbing the Empire State building while Donkey Kong is better known for his barrel throwing and kart driving skills. In a fight King's got the advantage being so huge but who has provided the greater amount of entertainment hours during his career? Sure King Kongs had a number of remakes but Donkey has the backing of Nintendo.

Winner - Donkey Kong, I used to have Donkey Kong country for the Snes, it was great!

The Greastest Speedster- The Flash vs Billy Whizz

Both faster than a speeding bullet, the mantle of the Flash has been worn by a number of heroes over at DC comics while theres only one Billy over at the Beano. Impossible to say who the faster is as they exist in alternate comic worlds but Billy Whizz takes it with his humorous stories.

Winner - Billy Whizz, am I the only one who think it weird that he's got antenna?

The Greatest Villain - Darth Vader vs Skeletor

Well Skeletor had a sword whereas Vaders got a lightsabre, way more impressive. Skeletor had his misshapen henchmen but Vader had the storm troopers as well as the Death Star (whenever the pesky rebels weren't blowing it up). Tough one as I'd say Skeletor is scarier but Vader is more powerful.

Winner - Darth Vader, closer than you would have thought, it was Vaders use of the force that swung it for me.

The Greatest Whale - Moby Dick vs Willy (of Free Willy fame)

Now this is a tough one, Willy is a Killer Whale which is very cool but old Moby is fucking huge. Although I have nothing against the Wales that played Willy (im good friends with Shamu but thats for another time), I don't like Willy, too friendly toward humans for my liking.

Winner - Moby Dick, Ahab was right to be so obsessed with him.

The Greatest Detective - Batman vs Poirot

I love both Batman and Poirot, both their skills in the field of detection are amazing. Poirot knows the score way before anyone else in the book and loves giving out annoying little clues, while Batman is the worlds greatest detective, which comes handy in Gotham were there's more crimes that you can shake a Batarang at. In case anyones wondering my favourite actor to play Batman was Kevin Conroy.

Winner - Draw. Both are fantastic, I would love to know see a Batman/Poirot crossover although I imagine it would be a bit difficult.

The Greatest Wizard - Merlin vs Gandalf

Two grey haird old duffers in robes but shit hot with a magic staff. Merlin obviously famous for his days back with Arthur and all that, I saw the mini series with Sean Neil and wasn't terribly impressed. Gandalf, the greatest Ishtari surely? Friend to humans, hobbit and elves alike, has also been in a successful trilogy.

Winner - Gandalf, with his promotion from Grey to White (not sure who oversees these things) it's clear he's the ultimate magic man.
And so the first great clash of the titans is over, it's a shame some kind of after award party can't be held, probably for the best really, I'd struggle to find a place that could house a giant whale.

Smallville season 5 starts tonight, im going to try my utmost to follow this show, I know, I know, the end to season 4 was both annoying and cheap but season 5 is going to rule. James Marsters as Brainiac! The show's finally going to have a credible villain (Lex isn't full blown bad yet and Lionel doesn't really cut it for me anymore). Hopefully this season is going to give a bit more insight into the caves and why there's so much Kryptonian stuff hanging around and an explanation for Jor-Els erratic behavior.

I know some Superman fans don't like Smallvile and I can see their reasoning but I think it's fucking ace. It gave us Black Kryptonite and Chloe Sullivan for gods sake. I am known to moan on about the show but it more geek venting than anything else.

As a bit of fun I'm going to make some predictions about this coming season, even though some of them are just for a laugh I wouldn't be amazed if they happened due to the shows predictability.

Things I predict will happen this season :-

* Pete Ross will make a surprise return only to be pissed off that Chloe already knows Clark is 'super'.

* There will be a special guest star in the 4th episode, the last two seasons gave us Perry White and the Flash, im sure season 5 will be no different.

* Lana will stop being so whiney. Just kidding, that'll never happen.

* A new colour of Kryptonite will rear its head. Possibly mauve.

* On the news that the other Duke brother is coming back I reckon we'll see Boss Hog before the end of the season, maybe Daisy Duke.

* There will be an episode where everyone learns that Clark is an alien but as luck would have it something happens which means that no one remembers.

* Lex will call on his 'specialists' in Metropolis to help with some mischief in Smallville.

* There will be no mention to the romantic interest of Clarks who died last season.

Well, that's it for now, I'll make more predictions and wild speculation when I feel like it.

Hello there! A happy new year to all my fellow homophobes!

Now then, how've you been? Had a good Christmas? For the sake of this post we'll all pretend I care. My Christmas was your standard semi enjoyable affair and New Years was the even more standard disappointment (the world didn't end).

Is there anything worse than being snug in bed and having to kick the covers off and trudge to work? As far as I can tell there isn't so im taking my frustration out on you fuckers. Fuckers. Eargh, I feel like I've eaten five whole tins of Roses, which isn't far off the mark when I think about it.

So were my gifts and cards well received? For the sake of this post I'll pretend you care (you see, blogging is a two way thing). Yes, everyone was bowled over by how fucking awesome my gifts were, not since the three wise men gave that kid in a manger gifts which were far too old for him has someone been so impressed by gift giving.

To paraphrase Mark Twain, because quoting is so passe, im not dead. I know he said it in a fancier way but im modernising it and bringing it up to date, which in this case, as in most cases, means the death of it's spirit. My death has been announced over at Weird Is Wonderful but this is infact erroneous, either that or im some spooky ghost haunting the internet, I'll leave that open for debate.

So why has it been so long since my last post? Well, I could give you some long winded story which you'd see right through so I'll just say this... I couldn't be arsed till now.

2005 is now over, I think what saddens me the most is that Transformers the movie is now set in the past. How sad is that? We're in 2006 and there isn't a talking robot in sight, apart from those dodgy shuffling ones in Japan, which I'll admit are pretty cool but none of them can transform into a lorry.

As with every new year I now look forward to peoples ridiculous new years resolutions, which of course will all be long forgotten by February. I wonder, do people who adhere to over calendars do the same thing? On the Chinese new year do loads of Orientals make a resolution to... I don't know, stop eating dogs for instance, Only to be chewing on an Alsatian before you can say chop stick?

So that was my first post of the new year, just as shit as those from the year before. Hope you enjoyed it.