Are you up to the test!?

Awesome, it's Halloween, that time of year when people knock on your door and you make an extra effort to pretend you don't hear the knocking.

Years ago my dad got this knock at the door, he opened it to find a lad who'd merely got an extra large coat on with the hood up saying 'Trick or treat', my dad just laughed, told him to fuck off and closed the door. It was only the start of September to be fair.

I feel like I have to do something horror based tonight as that is the law. There's boundless going to be some spooky film on tv, have you noticed though that there are a lot of horror films on at Christmas as well? Strange.

I fancy getting one of those things that the bloke/s in the Scream films had, that gizmo to change your voice. With one of those I could pull 'hilarious' pranks on friends and family, the goal obviously being to cause someone to poo themselves with fright.

A year or two ago a friend called up and tried to do that weird rattle/gasp noise that the girl in the Ring films does. You know that 'auuuragghhkkk', well, he didn't do it that well and I thought it was someone having an asthma attack.

Actually im going to be very geeky now and tell you that I plan to read something by Junji Ito tonight as that guy really is shit your pants scary.

Oh, while we are on the whole Halloween/horror theme have you heard about these people that have passed out while watching Saw 3? Now I haven't seen the film but they must obviously have been a bunch of lightweights. Infact, due to the amount of supposedly-but-not-actually scary films that have had people pass out in them I can't help but think that some hollywood exec must bang a few people with nervous disorders into the theatre for extra publicity.

Im surrounded by these idiots
all of them corporate rock whores

Why do they wear white
when their cigarette smoke will stain it yellow?

I agree with Liam and Noel - Stay Young
but some fuckers push it

Get some fresh air and see a preacher
showing a leather bound bible to a bloke begging

If you think the first generation of x-men had it easy
then you weren't reading between the lines

Im the Leonard Cohen of my generation
just without the talent

Yes, you read that right, this weekend saw me engage in some non 100% legal behavior!

I was on a return train journey from Sheffield with a ticket which specifically said, in bold letters no less - NOT DONCASTER. And what route do you think my train was taking? Thats right! through Doncaster! Im the dick turpin of my day. Or possibly just a dick.

So there I was laughing with contempt at national rails pricing policy when in comes the ticket inspector, needless to say the atmosphere was tense. You could have cut it with a knife, or any other sharp implement really.

He sidles over, grey haired indeed but obviously a more slippery customer for his experience (I imagine). He asks for my ticket and my heart is beating ten to the dozen, I pass him my rail ticket with a devil-may-care air, he takes the ticket and our eyes meet (not in a gay way) and I brace myself for flight when he says 'Ta, mate' and goes on his way. Phew! Close call or what?

Now that I've recounted this devilish act I just want to quickly say to any female readers to not swoon too greatly at this diabolical feat. I know your always marrying axe murderers and falling for the 'bad boy' but in this case (and probably those I've just said) it's not a fantastic idea, in this case because im spoken for.

A thank you.

Last night I was happily slicing up a tasty orange (thats not slang for anything, just eating fruit) when I noticed something that irked me.

There is a label on the orange saying 'orange'.

Now obviously, that might be a cushy little job for someone, putting labels on individual pieces of fruit. But when you consider that we are on the precipice of the end of the world as we now it, global warming and all that malarkey, I find it odd that my orange has a little sticker identifying it as such.

Consider the cost of the labels, the adhesive, getting them printed, stuck on etc... just for you or I to peel them off and throw them in the bin. Failing that, accidentally eat them.

I will concede that these stickers may serve some function that im failing to recognise but I thought I'd just bring it to the general publics notice.

Actually, this whole thing reminds me of my campaign to abolish silent letters.

Have you seen that girl that works in Greggs?
The one with long blonde hair and lovely legs?

Her face is so lovely, so emotive
my buying ginger buns there has an ulterior motive

Her name is Linda or possibly Sheena
oh how I'd love to squeeze her

You'll think im a total berk
but ive changed my route to work

I pass by there every day at quarter past eight
all these buns are starting to effect my weight

She smells like the pasties that shes stealing
is it wrong to find that sexually appealing?

I used to be an Ainsleys mans but now im 100% Gregg
for my lovely Sarah or possibly Meg

You might laugh when I tell you she has a lisp
but I once saw her give a homeless man a crisp

I know this all seems odd, so very strange
Im in ecstasy when shes handing me my change

Your probably thinking this girl is the utter dregs
but I don't care, I love the girl that works in Greggs

Daybreak

If you hear a cheer
then you know I've got clear
They all look on as I fly by
students and teachers both
Tomorrow they'll be hell to pay
but who cares? Right now im free

Tests

I wasn't the first there
others came before me
We're all off on an odyssey
they all seem so scared.
I was just bored

Leaving

I've had enough, got to the point where I doubt there is a point
walking back in the dark im on my guard
The streets are a disgrace but im proud of them
I don't think you've got the right to fucking condemn
So what if it smells like sick, spilt food, piss
and god knows what else?
It's where I come from.

Scenic

Kill some time
find a place you've never seen before
Beautiful, you should come here more often
you see a split condom wrapper on the ground
How weird is it to wonder what type it was?
And how much weirder is it to think it was extra safe?

Good god, im going to have to relate you the events of this mornings commute into work.

There was this gimp who was preventing me from reading to due to the barking nature of his voice, this being the reason I can give you so accurate a description of the miscreant, of which there is no doubt in my mind of him being.

His appearance? No word of a lie he looked like one of them out of linkin park gone wrong, imagine taking a gremlin, giving it a quick zap in the microwave and an unnecessarily large dose of peroxide and your half way there to the baffoon this man appeared.

So, we've got the barking voice, the shoddy appearance and we've yet to touch on why I dislike him so. He started telling the person next to him of his time spent in Mexico, he actually said 'I know my way around Mexico', what? The entire country? On top of that he claimed to know every holiday rep in Mexico and that he invented a drinking game which no one in Mexico, native or tourist could match him in. It doesn't take a massive stretch of the imagination to suppose that most of them gave up and went home based on his tiring personality.

Right, now that we've got the all the pertinent background info, I'll tell you why I didn't like him.

He started 'freestyle rapping'. Now, I don't know how familiar you are with Northern England, possibly where you live 'freestyle rapping' goes down quite well, here, it's doesn't, at all.

I shake my head at this sorry state of affairs. God willing he'll go back to Mexico and someone there will have the decency to kill him.

I don't usually comment on things in the news as I usually come off looking like the fool I am but I'll give this one a bash as im baffled with the amount of attention which such a straight forward bit of news can generate.

First off, how can anyone be surprised that Madonna has gotten preferential treatment? If I went into a pizza hut as the same time as Madonna, I wouldn't be shocked if she was served before me. Now im not comparing a human child to a ten inch pepperoni, better men than me have tried and failed but it's the same principle, like her or not she's mega famous, so is treated better than the average Joe.

Secondly, people have been moaning that shes gotten round the full assessment, or whatever you want to call it, to establish if shes a suitable parent. Shes fucking Madonna, married to Guy Ritchie, they are what the Yorkshire call 'bloody loaded', im sure they can afford to raise a child, and doesn't she already have a few kids? I've not heard of them having any cuts or bruises so I take it shes at least an OK mum.

Thirdly (aren't numbering systems fun?), do you honestly think the kid is thinking 'Bugger, adopted by Madonna'? If I was him I'd be well chuffed, getting to live in a bloody castle with maids and butlers, as part of one of the most famous families in the world. He's never going to be lacking a bit of cash and good times. Ten years from now he can bang out a book, he doesn't even have to write himself if he doesn't want to, call it something like 'My time with mags', nice little earner that'll be. If you're thinking 'What if it doesn't sell well?', nonsense, all he has to do is hint that there's a bit in it about Guy feeling him up or something and it's a guaranteed bestseller.

So there you go, the first few reasons to come to my mind as to why this story doesn't really warrant any of our attention.

I recently bought a new game for my old PS2. It's great when you get back into an interest you've been out of for a while isn't it? The game is called God of War and if anyone remembers Myth on the Commodore 64, well, it's pretty much the same thing but in 3D.

The Commodore 64 is the main reason for this post as thinking back on it has flooded my mind with gaming nostalgia. It was a cracking machine although, tell these kids that the games you used to play where on cassettes and they look at you like your a mental.

I did actually have a cartridge or two for the Commodore, a game starting almost instantly was like magic back then. By eck, thinking back on all that time starting at loading screens, misspent youth or what?

Does anyone remember dizzy? You can stuff your Lara Croft or Sonic the Hedgehog, Dizzy was the shit. He was an egg (I think) with red gloves and boots and had about a million games on the go, most of which I had.

I had Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game as well, which came in a cardboard box, fancy stuff back then. It was beauty as you could change turtles as you went, Donatello was probably the best to play with, his staff offering the best range but I defy anyone to resist the temptation of playing as Raphael.

I had an Aliens game which was shit hot. It was first person, like Doom but many, many years before and you had to lead all the marines through alien infested corridors. I remember that hispanic soldier called Vasquez, I could never pronounce her name back then so I referred to her as Vas-Squeeze, much to my dads amusement.

The games seemed a lot gorrier and downright stranger back then. I remember a game where you were inside a giant alien and each level was like a different part of his body which you had to destroy. Also a game where you had to run round mazes avoiding giant ants. Barmy.

I could go on and on about this, so before I alienate any none gaming readers... What? I so do have readers, I must do, my mum says im lovely. Where was I? Oh yes, bye bye.

You'll all have already seen it but I only sat and watched the new King Kong film recently. What a load of old tosh. Now im the type of person to get excited about a movie featuring a giant monkey, unreasonably so. But this? Naff.

Although there was one gem right at the end. Kong has been drilled through with machine gun fire and has fallen off the empire state building when Jack Black appears and gives it 'Love killed the beast'. Now then Jack, like you as I do I can't help but think that the coroners report might differ with you.

* I've got a sore throat, a runny nose, ringing ears (christ they're annoying) and a motherfucker of a bad cough. But I don't pull a sicky. Why? God knows, fucking daft aren't I? Although one good thing about being in this state is that when you don't like someone you can do a big, gross cough all over them. You can follow pretty much anything up with 'Sorry, im full of cold' and you can get away with it. Obviously, when I say anything, I don't mean high end crimes like bank robbing and waging illegal wars, although, who knows? Anythings possible.

* The other night I was walking past a pub which was obviously having a lock-in (im sure you know the signs). This of course is quite daft what with the new 24 hour drinking laws, however, perhaps they don't know about these new fangled laws and think their being badass gangsters. In a way, I hope that no one ever tells them because at the moment they've got the perfect entertainment, legal crime. I would love to be some kind of bootlegger (isn't bootlegger an awesome word?), possibly smuggling skittles into skittles prohibited areas.

* For the first time last night I thought that it was a good thing that plastic cups are given out at a lot of gigs these days. I was seeing the mighty Lemonheads and during one song these two bell ends started conversing on the history of the song and it's technical aspects (like you can't do that shit after the gig?). My initial desire was to smash my cup over one, or both of their heads but of course being plastic it would bounce off harmlessly. Unless of course I ripped it and tried to jab them with a sharp bit, even then, not a massive amount of destructive potential. So hats off to the dude that had the foresight to supply the masses with plastic cups.

* Just when you think you've got nothing left to blog about, some young girls on the train will sing the Batman theme tune at you and make you realise there's plenty left to experience in life. Was I wearing a Batman T-shirt? Yes. Did they say I was less attractive that Christian Bale? Yes. But, where they pushing a baby around in push chair and looking generally manky (a scientific term meaning, unpleasant to look at and having a dubious odour)? Most definitely yes.
I can't help but feel the superior party in that exchange was myself.

My household has been rocked with merriment since the purchase of a herb. Not an illegal one either.

The other day I brought home a jar of Thyme, since then the jokes (such as they are) have been cumin (a little herb joke for you there, it really is infectious) thick and fast.

In the space of five minutes we had -

* Thyme after thyme
* Thyme is on my side
* I've got Thyme to spare
* Thyme, Thyme and Thyme again
* Thyme waits for no man

And many, many more. So I recommend picking up a jar the next time your out and about, it's worth the 30 odd pence for the humour alone.

'Yeeees!!'

This I cry as the ginger lad on Supermarket Sweep finds the item which secures him two thousand pounds (the main prize) at the very last second.

The girlfriend gives me a look which can only be described as disapproving.

She argues that Supermarket Sweep is a ten year old, naff quiz show with an even naffer presenter, im far too enthusiastic. I in turn argue that Supermarket Sweep is the perfect mix of game show fun and shoplifting excitement.

She refuses to come round to my way of thinking. We clearly have vastly different outlooks on life.