Are you up to the test!?

I did a very surprising fart today in the office. So surprising infact that it even took me by surprise! I lifted approximately an inch off my seat and while people around me were shocked no one was seriously injured.

One staff member when questioned said it was 'quite funny'. I found it hilarious.

If you’ve ever watched a DVD you’ll have probably noticed those adverts which you can’t skip. You push the next chapter button which usually shifts them but you get the message ‘function not available on this disc’ or something to that effect, cheeky mother fuckers. It costs a lot to buy or rent a DVD these days (to rent a DVD is about three pound fifty) so I think it’s fucking scandalous that after paying that extortionate amount that adverts come on before the film menu which is itself a fucking liberty but on top of that they’ve put code on the disc preventing you from skipping them! I don’t barter with the bloke behind the counter on how much im going to pay so I don’t expect someone else’s input on what im going to be watching on the disc.

DVD isn’t the only medium which winds me up. At the cinemas there’s a never ending amount of fucking advertising. Those little static screens before the film starts are fair enough but now there’s fucking adverts before the trailers. Adverts before the fucking trailers at the cinema! When the fuck did we let that happen? I see adverts for McDonalds on the TV, the radio, at bus stops, those fucking huge poster monstrosities at the side of the road, now I see them before a film at the fucking cinema! What’s next, McDonalds adverts on toilet paper? I wouldn’t put it past these bastards. I wouldn’t mind maybe if cinemas had cut the cost on tickets and had to make the money back somewhere else but it costs six pounds per ticket at my local cinema now, six fucking pounds. And I don’t want to hear even a fucking murmur about them not making enough cash. The amount of people who went to see Goblet of Fire alone would be enough to populate Ireland three times over.

Oh, and another thing, Sky. Sky in itself is okay but what’s the deal with the length of its fucking adverts? I watch something on Sky One and by the time the commercial break is coming to an end I’ve forgotten what the fuck I was watching, let alone the story of the show. This is also true of the UK channels, it’s ridiculous, they stretch a show which should last around 26 minutes to about 40. Channel 4 and its counterparts aren’t half as bad. Where’s their money coming from? Are they selling Invasion and Desperate Housewives bootlegs on markets at the weekend? I’d guess no, there just not run by a bunch of greedy bastards unlike the Sky and UK channels… fingers crossed it stays that way.

What really incenses me is then all these big entertainment companies wonder why piracy is so fucking hard to stamp out? Well for a start the adverts are cut out of TV shows. I don’t have to listen to scally mongoloids have a conversation while im watching a film, unlike in the pissing cinema. What the fuck ever happened to ushers? We need a return of these big style. I would suggest getting bouncers to do it. It would give them something to do through the day. It would be excellent, a mobile goes off and you’re warned, happens again and you’re out on your arse. Where was I? Oh yeah piracy, if I hear another fucking millionaire go, ‘oh, piracy is killing the music industry’ I will fucking scream - YOU ARE KILLING THE MUSIC INDUSTRY YOU GLORIFIED PARASITE, SIGN SOME FUCKING GOOD BANDS FOR A CHANGE AND DON’T GIVE MARIAH CAREY ANOTHER EIGHT MILLION WHEN SHE ASKS FOR IT.

*Breathes out slowly* I feel a bit better now.

Oh, did you all have a good St.Partricks day? I forgot to ask. I didn't do much I must admit, just a few pints. I did see people wearing those overlarge hats and all the rest of it though.

A woman who works in the same building as I who is Irish was telling me that she can't stand the taste of Guinness, I was pleasantly surprised by this but she quickly assured me that she'd be getting pissed on it as it was 'tradition'. I really think the Irish are trapped in a self perpetuating stereotype. Well, probably not so much trapped as enjoying.

Double barreled surnames are lame as fuck. They are a source of constant annoyance and mean nothing. Whenever someone turns up at the centre and I ask their name and they say something like ‘Jane Smith’ I assume that the surname is Smith only to look like a right cunt when I can’t find them, then realizing that it’s a double barrel which I should have guessed given the fact that they are a right posh cunt.

Most double barrels are just the result of people who want better sounding names, what a load of shit. Women, if you’re marrying a bloke, just take his fucking name, you’re not selling your fucking soul, and if you so desperately want your name then don’t fucking marry him!

It bothered me in X-Men when Jean Grey married Scott Summers and changed her name to Jean Grey-Summers (like Grey is so fucking awesome it must be retained) but Cyclops kept his to just Summers and their sons surname was merely Summers, so I can forgive Jean to an extent as she didn’t pass on the accursed double barrel.

If I was a woman, especially one with a boring name, I’d happily give up my surname for one more interesting. For instance, if was Sara Smith and I met a bloke called Frank Vicious, or James Amazing, well, it’s a convenient way of snazzying up your identity.

I once had this teacher, really up her own arse she was, one day we got onto names and she said with far too much pride that during her youth she’d stopped using her family surname and taken on her mothers maiden name. Jesus, I bet she was right fucking laugh to hang about with. Anyways, she was banging on about womens rights, or girl power or some such shite, in a really self important way. Annoyed by this I pointed out that her mothers maiden name will have been inherited from her mothers father, the daft cow didn’t quite take my point so I explained that if she wanted to do it properly she should have extensively searched back through her family tree and found out what the first recorded maiden name was of her so far unimpressive clan and adopted that. She said I didn’t understand, like fuck I didn’t, caught her out as a daft bitch more like.

So Goblet of Fire is out on DVD this week and while I know that it’s usually Rodney who does the recommendations, I’d just like to say that this film is actually worth watching unlike its predecessors. Im not one of those whiney people who go ‘Oh, the event on page 158 was cut out, what a travesty!’ it’s just that the other films vary from just OK to confused mess.

Now some people might take issue with me reading Harry Potter, well, fuck off. Im not saying that they are fantastic works of literature but they are cracking reads. Some people whined on about Half-Blood Prince but I think that was mostly fan boy venting as it was a good book overall (for what it’s worth I think Snape is still loyal to the Order).

What I would take issue with are those people who read Harry Potter with the ‘adult’ covers, what a shower of cunts they are. Just read the books and enjoy them you image obsessed cretins.

I’ve been feeling pretty shit the last few days. I hate it when people say ‘poorly’, that’s what a five year old would say. When I phoned up my workplace letting them know that I wouldn't be coming in I simply told them ‘I can’t come in, im feeling shit’. The following day I just sent them an e-mail saying ‘Feeling like shit’ because I couldn’t be bothered dialing.

I was using the shit scale so much (quite shit, a bit shit, very shit) that I think it was on the third day my girlfriend phoned up and just said ‘So… how shit are you feeling today?’. It made me feel chuffed that the system was being adopted by others so successfully. Im glad there was no nosey questions from my place of work regarding my illness, a while a go I had food poisoning so I phoned up said ‘Can’t come in, have food poisoning’. On my return to work they were all saying ‘So… food poisoning huh?’, as if I was a fucking liar but the second I said ‘Oh do you want the details?’ I was treated to this repulsed face and a quick ‘Oh god I don’t want any details’, which just fucking annoyed the hell out of me, either you believe me or you don’t and question me on it, don’t pussy out when faced with gross details.

I could have written something while feeling shit but I just couldn’t muster the energy, here’s a brief summary of what I got up to on my feeling shit days:-

xxx

Day 1

Played through RE4 using the Chicago Typewriter, ridiculously easy but enjoyable. Listened to the whole first series of the Gervais Podcast, enjoyable enough, the formula is pretty simple, provoke Pilkington into saying something stupid then laugh at him, somehow it works.
Saw the X-Men 3 trailer, looks promising, fan boys are all over it obviously, going on about the size of Juggernaut and how Gambit isn’t going to be in it. They should just fucking chill out, you’ve got Angel and Beast turning up in this one, should be great.

Day 2

Watched quite a lot of CSI. Who in their right mind would question Grisham? You’ll never encounter a man more suited for his job but you keep getting these twats going ‘Oh well Grisham, it’s been five minutes since the crime was committed were shutting you down while we get some incompetent fucker in’.
Started playing POP: Sands of Time, I do enjoy these games quite a bit, lateral thinking and all that, not overly impressed with the dark prince concept just seems like an extension of the sand wraith idea from Warrior Within.

Day 3

Watched GITS 2 : Innocence, another masterpiece by Shirow. But even though I’ve read the original manga, seen the first film and read ‘Man Machine Interface’ I was still at points going ‘Okay, so he’s the dude who knew the major… but that guy is a spy… wait, rewind, who was making the gynoids?’ More a fault with my state of mind than the film.
When out for a short walk, weather was awful and it got me coughing my lungs up, went into the supermarket for a few things, this bloke ahead of me at the checkout was hilarious, he was ready to kill this woman in a fit of rage due to being overcharged by one pound forty.

xxx

I could continue on with the mini diary but it just breaks down into a series of movie reviews. I think that walk did me good as I was feeling a lot better afterward. I considered going somewhere this weekend but one look out of the window and I just laughed to myself, trudging round in snow, I don’t fucking think so.

Back at work now and thinking about my time off I must say that overall it was a positive experience, a time to catch up on movies and tv shows, get a lot of sleep and have some time to myself, it’s a shame I can’t feel like shit more often.

* Peep Show has been commissioned for a fourth series! I sent across the petition to the Peep early on last week, by Wednesday I heard the news! Now im sure that the petition didn't save the show but im chuffed to bits to think that are own opinions were at hand when Channel 4 made their decision. Thanks to anyone who signed.

* The other night I tried entering this poxy club when I was stopped by the bouncer, he said to me 'You're not coming in with footwear like that', looking at me trainers with contempt, I merely said 'Oh', his response to this was 'Alright then, come in'. What the fuck was that all about? Is this some new Jedi mind trick bouncers are testing out?

* I've put up a small pole here on the site (just to your left, scroll down a bit), hopefully we'll get a lot of feedback on this as im eager to know what the public think on this important subject.

* You know when women bend over (calm down) and men say 'While you're down there' insinuating that while their head is near the blokes schlong she might as well give it some attention, well, I've been thinking, has anyone ever heard a woman say this to a man? I mean, it's the same principle really, women enjoy a bit of oral just as much as blokes do so surely it must happen and if not keep your eyes/ears peeled for surely the first instance of this will happen sometime in the near future.

* After watching a bit of Jonathan Creek recently I think they should bring the show back for one last episode where at the end Jonathan says 'You know what? I haven't got a fucking clue'. No one would expect that and it'd make me laugh.

* I know that reality shows suck balls but I've got a fucking belting idea for a new one. It'd be called 'Bus Station'. Ten contestants would have to stay within a bus station for over 2 weeks surviving on a paltry allowance to buy stuff from vending machines which they earn by completing certain tasks. These could include, pissing on a copper and pretending to have a fit to scare an old woman.

Im thrilled to hear that Wonder Woman is going to get her own block buster movie as she's been terribly over looked in popular culture for the last few decades. Batman had a dodgy/camp show once but that didn't stop him getting a cool animated series and some films of varying degrees of quality but for some reason Wonder Woman is still associated with a tv series that aired in the late 70s.

On top of that it's being directed and written by non other than Joss Whedon, there are few people I would feel even remotely comfortable a comic book project being in the hands of but Mr.Whedon is one of them. He's the guy behind Buffy, Angel, Firefly etc... (Oh! Have you all bought a copy of Serenity? You better bloody well have done, if there is going to be a sequel then that dvd needs high sales figures).

I personally can't wait, im hoping she has a fantastic bad guy to face like Ares as well as some subtle nods to other super heroes. Oh! Not forgetting the invisible plane of course.

Just saw the man the legend Alexei Sayle, star of the classic comedy show The Young Ones. He was at this book signing and was funny as fuck, most people there were literary types intrigued as to his writing process, I on the other hand was just thinking about The Young Ones and grinning.

I asked him about TYO and he told me the thing he most remembered about it was always calling an ambulance for Rik Mayall who'd been injured in one way or another. I grabbed one of his books at random and got it signed, I think he was possibly annoyed at my TYO obsession. I got a picture taken with the bloke and it's fucking hilarious, im smiling like a Cheshire cat and he's got an expression which says 'harassed celebrity'. Afterwards I pinched a huge card board sign of Alexei but that's neither here nor there.

When I hear the word 'rebels' I can't help but picture Luke Skywalker and all those other odd looking alien chappies who brought down the Death Star, now did the rebels in Star Wars kick about in the Death Star booing Darth Vader and disagreeing with him? Did they bollocks, they blew the fucker up... twice (the Death Star not Vader, they just ended up being the cause of his death). Let this be an example to these supposed political rebels.