Are you up to the test!?

Im bringing sexy back. What does that even mean? Obviously the Lakes song is shite but what is he actually getting at? Sexy hadn't gone anywhere had it? What a muppet. If I was him I would stick to that Ferrel chap like glue as he is quite cool and some cred would doubtless rub off on me.

I couldn't sleep much last night so I watched the highlights of the Leeds/Reading festival. I know that the Reading festival was bigger than Leeds but of Leeds I only saw Dizzee Rascal (however the nob spells it), the Automatic and Primal Scream. Now the last two are good but the highlights went on for something like two hours, you'd think there'd be a bit more Leeds coverage. Im not sure if im 100% right on my assessment though as I was drinking a two pound ninety nine bottle of wine at the time which was quite rough.

It must be gutting for people who went on Crystal Maze, got locked in at the first zone then didn't get bought out till right at the end. What a waste of an awesome experience. I bet O'Briens house is festooned with crystal he slipped out on the sly. The police should keep tabs on the bloke who made all the rooms as if there was ever a spate of death trap (ala Saw) like murders I would put that bloke right to the top of the list.

I bought a bottle of Rum the other day as a birthday present, I was in a hurry so I just nipped into Co-Op and grabbed a bottle. The check-out bloke was giving me a right look as my solitary bottle of liquor lurched along but you know what, he's only a fucking checkout bloke in Co-Op, he should chill the fuck out. Actually, in retrospect, it probably didn't help that I was all blurry eyed from a cold and it was 1pm on a weekday.

Im not too proud to admit that for a period of time I worked on a checkout. Not a very pleasant experience but I did see all sorts. One time this Chinese guy bought twenty five 3 litre bottles of water. I regret not asking him what he was going to do with all that water.

A few nights I was out in town with some friends when the most foolish of our number was approached by some ladies from a hen night.

Now im not going to knock hen nights because, hey, that would just take forever and I don't really have anything against them in principal, only the execution. I mean, look at your classic stag night, plenty of drinking, some strippers, someone gets tied to a lamp post, possibly a case of hypothermia, you know what im saying? Classy.

So where was I? Oh yes, the foolish friend. Anyway, so the bride to be has this challenge to get a bloke to take off his underwear, now I'll raise my hand and admit that I did egg the bloke on to do it but in my defence I didn't think even he would be so much a fool as to go along with it. But go along with it he did, as was proven when his jeans were pulled down a short time later.

As we were walking onto to another bar, the old foolish friend comes out with the following.

- The funny thing is *pulls the pants out of his jacket pocket* these are my dads pants.

It really was the crowning moment of the night, and yes, I did point out that it was more disturbing/worrying than funny.

Jesus Christ! Gave myself a right scare the other day. Banged some potatoes in the old microwave, now I might have left them a big longer than what can be called 'a reasonable amount of time', when I returned the kitchen was full of smoke and the 'wave was a box of flames! I near about shat myself. After a cup of water, some wafting and the opening of doors all was sorted but christ, at the time I was a nervous wreck.

Watching Apocalypse Now today, with the potatoe incident in the front of my mind, I can quite confidently say I wouldn't have lasted long in the Vietnam war.

All through the potatoe fire incident of 2006 the smoke alarms didn't once go off, today while shaving the bastards went off. Obviously fearing the worst I zoomed round the house twice before coming to the conclusion that the bastards were having a laugh at my expense.

A follow on from my brief observation with regards to condom machines. The other night I was looking at a condom machine that offered 'studded' condoms. Fucking studded, stud or no I wouldn't want to try one of those bad boys on.

My girlfriend provided the female perspective on this for me. On the same night as the studded sighting my girlfriend told me that in ladies toilet you could buy - sexy knickers, standard knickers, a sanitary pack and, for the price of eight quid a preganancy test kit. But there was no contraceptives to be had. Kinda shows you the priorities of this modern society we live in.

* I like the title of this post, sounds like something Asimov would have written.

I went to a book signing last night for Irvin Welsh, it was awesome. It was a delight to hear him read from his new book and answer questions, though I couldn't help but find the audience a bit simpering. Sometimes the guy wasn't even being funny and people were laughing.

I can't deny that I was disappointed with the crowd of people that gathered for the signing. I was feverishly looking for a Begby type character, some surly bloke with a bottle of beer in one hand and snooker cue in the other but it was only the usual crowd of intellectuals, pseudo or otherwise.

One thing I'd never seen at a signing before was free booze, there was plenty here. Some people were really going hard on the vino, im not sure if they couldn't handle their drink or were just trying to get their moneys worth from the 3 quid entry ticket.

I hung around till the end, enjoying the atmosphere (and yes, possibly a few drinks) and then got a copy of Trainspotting signed. Old Irvine also agreed to write 'Weekend zanies are such a drag!' in my notebook. I was quite literally, chuffed to bits.

Just checking in to let you guys know im not dead. There's no real reason for the lack of posts, I've just been reading quite a bit recently and each days it's been a toss up between reading a few short stories OR doing a post. Needless to say the victorian ghost stories came out on top.

You probably come by this blog to be amused, entertained or informed. Sorry to break it to you but I don't see that happening this time round as im being totally self indulgent and saying hello to some friends of mine that have been over in the big apple.

- Hey guys, welcome back, did you see Jerry Seinfeld? How was central park? *Thinks of other things to ask about New York*... Was it hot? I heard it was hot.

Christ, aren't you glad you're not a friend of mine with inane shite like that coming out of my mouth?

So yeah, im just rambling now. The girlfriends a bit moody at the mo, it's to do with a few things really but boils down to going out with me (can't blame her).

The other day I was in a public toilet, washing my hands and looked at the condom machine and was amazed at the bargains to be had, a 3 pack costs about three pound twenty in Superdrug but you could get two for a pound in the machine! Proper Durex as well. I considered stocking up but then thought against it, might look a bit dodgy if anyone walked in.

I'll do another post in a while about what I got up to last night, that should be semi-interesting. Maybe not. I make no promises.

Have you seen the posters/trailer for 'snakes on a plane'? What the fuck is that all about? At first I thought it was a joke poster to sell some kind of tat but no, it really is a film. How they've dragged poor Mace Windu into the proceedings god only knows.

I don't even mind shit B-movies, I once sat through Anaconda. It's the sheer lameness of it all that annoys me here although they are probably going for that 'so lame it's cool' thing, but I think they've gone a bit too far.
Knowing my luck this film will turn out to be fantastic and there will be egg all over my face. Just in case im going to suggest an English equivalent.

This could be the actual animal or the STD, either would make for a good film.