Are you up to the test!?

I recently did a little online quiz based on the now legendary show 'Saved by the Bell'.

Through answering a series of grueling questions I was presented with which character best represents my personality.

At first I was somewhat shocked to learn that im Screech but after some more thought I came to the conclusion there's no one else I'd rather be. Slater was a bit foolish and although I do quite like Lisa I wouldn't want to be her, there is of course the obvious Zack and although I do respect his scheming nature I don't think I'd fancy scheming 24/7.

You can have a go yourself if you fancy -
http://home.mn.rr.com/couplandesque/quizzes/sbtb.htm

No one can deliver a proper insult these days. Apart from yours truly obviously, I have spent days crafting the ultimate scathing remarks to place upon those who I find vulgar and offensive.

All people do these days is swear, now im a big fan of swearing, despite what some would tell you it is in fact of gigantic proportions and has an intelligence quota beyond measure. But swearing merely by itself is only a venting of frustration. If I was walking down the street and someone bumped into me and I said ‘cunt’, I wouldn’t really be calling the bloke a cunt I’d merely be labeling his action as the act of a cunt. I’ve said it because he’s interfered with my little word and im not too happy about it. If the bloke bumped into me and seemed unconcerned with the aggravation he’d caused me and I said ‘You utter cunt, get a brand new fucking eye dog before you go back out again and don’t porn this one for smut magazines and cheap cigs you fucking scally!’ That would be an insult to the gentleman in question, a little long winded I’ll grant you.

I hate it when you see two scrubbers arguing and they’re just trading one worded insults. ‘Bitch’. ‘Dickhead’. ‘Skank’. ‘Wanker’. ‘Whore’. ‘Dickhead’. Now please keep in mind that there will be a far greater period of time between these insults as the scrubbers in question consult their internal profanity rolodex for the next witty barb to send flying in their victims direction than it takes you to read them.

‘She is a Peacock in every way but beauty’, Oscar Wilde wrote that and what a topping fucking insult it is, I wish I could produce those off the cuff. It sums up totally what he thinks of the lady in question, she dolls herself up to the eyes, thinks greatly of herself but in fact she’s a fucking minger. Sometimes I wish old Oscar was alive today and was a friend of mine (soley in the platonic sense) just to witness his earth shattering put downs.

All im trying to say really is next time someones annoyed you don’t sink to the level of your common chav, try elevating the insult to the grand status, it’s not like it costs you anything. I’ve found an effective insult tool is just plain facts delivered in the bluntest fashion possible ‘You know something? You really annoy me’. That’s effective, it says what you want to say and the sheer bluntness to it will probably stun you’re target leaving them unable of any riposte.

In the spirit of the post I’ll say this... fuck the lot of ya!

Hi there, I know, I know, two posts in as many days, you’re probably thinking ‘What’s going on, has his bird chucked him? No my dear readers, she’s just in another County at the moment so I thought I’d make the most of it and be a bit productive.

Right, it’s not just me is it who thinks that the idea of James Bond is fucking awesome? You’ve got this bloke yeah, right, who works for the government and has a license to kill people, a fucking license to kill people, not to like park on double yellow lines, actually put a bullet between someones fucking eyes! On top of that he shags top foreign totty then forgets about them immediately afterward, caring not a jot about the current rise in STDs. Lets not forget all the bloody gadgets! Jetpacks, cars with ejector seats, X-ray specks that let him look at womens boobs, actually that might have been Teen Agent, but still bloody impressive.

Anyways, you’ve got all that and yet the films nowadays are fucking dire. I’ll hold my hand up and admit I’ve got something against Pierce Brosnan, a huge dislike you might call it. He thinks he so fucking awesome and oooh look at me, aren’t I cool? When really he reminds of you of that sad friend of your dads who never got married and calls himself a ‘ladys man’, a fucking awful term used by men that negotiate prices with women rather than really talk to them.

I know what you’re thinking, ‘That bloke from Layer Cake is James Bond now’ and im well aware of this fact and pleased as he seems a fairly good actor but the point is that it’s been many a year since I’ve seen a James Bond trailer or poster and thought ‘I’d watch that’.

I haven’t watched all of the newer ones because they repulse me so much, who was the bad guy in Tommorow Never Dies? Some ponce who owned a TV company or something shite like that. Even Lois Lane couldn’t save that one.

Then in Die Another Day you have Halle Berry copying the famous scene when Ursula Andres walks out of the water in Dr.No. Andres was tall, one might say statuesque, strikingly beautiful then there’s Berry kinda built like a boy, not overly attractive, with not an ounce of the grace or style, frankly I was somewhat offended at this slap dash attempt at invoking nostalgia.

Do you want to know the only bit of brand new Bond I’ve enjoyed in the last decade or so? The first twenty odd mintues of Golden Eye. Sean Bean kicks arse.

I grew up watching the James Bond films where Bond was played by Connery and say what you will but Connery IS James Bond. None of that Roger Moore shit, he made it all seem farcical and from the look of him you kinda doubted if the bloke could get up a flight of stairs without having to pause for breath, let alone fight off Jaws.

I’ve been thinking how the new James Bond film could start and I reckon it should start in one of those high class brothels situated throughout this fine country, the first shot is an establishing shot which pans up, then through one of the top windows (yes a long panning shot, this is Bond we’re talking about, no cutting corners), you’ve got Bond on this huge bed with three, possibly four prostitutes totally shagged out, and Bond laid between them all looking quite pleased with himself but kinda musing, like he’s wondering if it’s worth going to the pub for a pint with it soon to be last orders when his phone rings. It’s one of those nifty video type things and the bloke says ‘Bond! There’s bad shit going down in America, some shadowy secret agent is blowing shit up and the US needs you to bail them out!’ Bond sneers and says ‘Okay, I’ll be there soon as I can to save the Yanks’, he then hangs the phone up and with the magic of editing is next seen exiting the brothel, this poxy bloke comes up to him and is all sniveling saying ‘Oh Mr.Bond your bill sir’ and Bond goes ‘No time!’ and karate chops the bloke to the neck killing him instantly, some goons appear and Bond wasting no time guns the fuckers down like a Sergio Leone special. He then gets into his car (an Aston Martin obviously), turns on his music system which has Anarchy in the UK pumping out, starts driving away, the car then turns into a flying machine MASK style, heading off for America. Roll opening credits.

That’s how you a) get the Bond films bang up to date and b) make them fucking good viewing.

I’d recommend for the main bad guy a bloke who is basically Vandal Savage, if you don’t know who Vandal Savage is then read more comics.

You’re probably bowled over by my awesome Bond instincts and are wondering what the film should be called, well thinking about it I’d call it James Bond : Best of British, or failing that Killer Agent.

I can see the posters now, ‘The spy who likes killing a little too much’, ah, it’d be great.

Not much to add right now but my sister met Peanut from the Kaiser Chiefs!!!! In CEX no less, which resulted in her bagging an autograph for yours truly.

Not quite as good as meeting the dude myself but a nifty second place.

For anyone whose interested the Chiefs are currently recording their new album around Leeds. So next time you're out, possibly going to Greggs for a flap jack or whatever your plebian work a day life invovles keep your eyes peeled as Ricky Wilson may be ahead of you buying a Ginger bun.

I've been instructed to say that Peanut was a really nice bloke. Well, there we are then. How's that for a slice of fried gold?

* Lois Lane was drooling over Aqua Man this week on Smallville. I seem to remember her getting friendly with Batman in S:TAS. Then there’s her relationship with Superman, am I the only thinking she’s a bit of a super tart?

* The first two episodes of IT Crowd can be watched for free on Channel 4s website (just Google ‘Channel 4 IT crowd’, it’s not difficult). After watching them I do advise you doing the same this Friday as they made me laugh quite a bit. It’s written by one of the blokes who used to write for Father Ted so you know it’s going to be good.

* Have you signed my Peep Show petition? If not, what the bloody hell are you playing at!? The link is a few posts down, do it sharpish as I want to see what’s going to happen with Mark and Sophie.

* Something that is gradually annoying me more and more is the annoying habit people have of telling me the story of their phone. You have to turn your phone off when coming into the testing centre so I ask every other person if they’ve done so and I almost always get this ‘Oh yeah, I was walking up the stairs and I remembered so no worries there’ or ‘Oh no I haven’t, errr, should have remembered really, just two ticks and I’ll turn it off, somewhere in me bag you see’. I’ve shortened those down as it’s too dull typing out the whole verbal diarrhea I get but basically im looking for just a yes or a no, not a fucking story! A lot of people seem to have this need to say as much as possible to any question, im sure it’s related to some fundamental fear that their not interesting, thereby hoping to overcome lack of quality with an over compensation in content.

* A friend of mine has started his very own blog. ‘A Day In The Life of Ghulam’, check it out now, it’ll make you chuckle. The link can found just to your right.

* Who are these dickheads who keep going on about ‘the death of the sitcom’? My first reaction to that would be, ‘Isn’t there anything else worth writing about?’. After that I’d have to say it’s utter bollocks, just over the last year or so we’ve had Black Books, Phoenix Nights, The Mighty Boosh, The Office, Extras, Peep Show… you’d think there hadn’t been a good sitcom in a decade the way they moan on.

* Do you know what the maximum penalty is these days for illegally sharing software? Two years. Two fucking years! If you kill someone with a car you can get possibly a fine. This is a classic case of the law managing to protect money but not people.