What Went Wrong With James Bond?
Hi there, I know, I know, two posts in as many days, you’re probably thinking ‘What’s going on, has his bird chucked him? No my dear readers, she’s just in another County at the moment so I thought I’d make the most of it and be a bit productive.
Right, it’s not just me is it who thinks that the idea of James Bond is fucking awesome? You’ve got this bloke yeah, right, who works for the government and has a license to kill people, a fucking license to kill people, not to like park on double yellow lines, actually put a bullet between someones fucking eyes! On top of that he shags top foreign totty then forgets about them immediately afterward, caring not a jot about the current rise in STDs. Lets not forget all the bloody gadgets! Jetpacks, cars with ejector seats, X-ray specks that let him look at womens boobs, actually that might have been Teen Agent, but still bloody impressive.
Anyways, you’ve got all that and yet the films nowadays are fucking dire. I’ll hold my hand up and admit I’ve got something against Pierce Brosnan, a huge dislike you might call it. He thinks he so fucking awesome and oooh look at me, aren’t I cool? When really he reminds of you of that sad friend of your dads who never got married and calls himself a ‘ladys man’, a fucking awful term used by men that negotiate prices with women rather than really talk to them.
I know what you’re thinking, ‘That bloke from Layer Cake is James Bond now’ and im well aware of this fact and pleased as he seems a fairly good actor but the point is that it’s been many a year since I’ve seen a James Bond trailer or poster and thought ‘I’d watch that’.
I haven’t watched all of the newer ones because they repulse me so much, who was the bad guy in Tommorow Never Dies? Some ponce who owned a TV company or something shite like that. Even Lois Lane couldn’t save that one.
Then in Die Another Day you have Halle Berry copying the famous scene when Ursula Andres walks out of the water in Dr.No. Andres was tall, one might say statuesque, strikingly beautiful then there’s Berry kinda built like a boy, not overly attractive, with not an ounce of the grace or style, frankly I was somewhat offended at this slap dash attempt at invoking nostalgia.
Do you want to know the only bit of brand new Bond I’ve enjoyed in the last decade or so? The first twenty odd mintues of Golden Eye. Sean Bean kicks arse.
I grew up watching the James Bond films where Bond was played by Connery and say what you will but Connery IS James Bond. None of that Roger Moore shit, he made it all seem farcical and from the look of him you kinda doubted if the bloke could get up a flight of stairs without having to pause for breath, let alone fight off Jaws.
I’ve been thinking how the new James Bond film could start and I reckon it should start in one of those high class brothels situated throughout this fine country, the first shot is an establishing shot which pans up, then through one of the top windows (yes a long panning shot, this is Bond we’re talking about, no cutting corners), you’ve got Bond on this huge bed with three, possibly four prostitutes totally shagged out, and Bond laid between them all looking quite pleased with himself but kinda musing, like he’s wondering if it’s worth going to the pub for a pint with it soon to be last orders when his phone rings. It’s one of those nifty video type things and the bloke says ‘Bond! There’s bad shit going down in America, some shadowy secret agent is blowing shit up and the US needs you to bail them out!’ Bond sneers and says ‘Okay, I’ll be there soon as I can to save the Yanks’, he then hangs the phone up and with the magic of editing is next seen exiting the brothel, this poxy bloke comes up to him and is all sniveling saying ‘Oh Mr.Bond your bill sir’ and Bond goes ‘No time!’ and karate chops the bloke to the neck killing him instantly, some goons appear and Bond wasting no time guns the fuckers down like a Sergio Leone special. He then gets into his car (an Aston Martin obviously), turns on his music system which has Anarchy in the UK pumping out, starts driving away, the car then turns into a flying machine MASK style, heading off for America. Roll opening credits.
That’s how you a) get the Bond films bang up to date and b) make them fucking good viewing.
I’d recommend for the main bad guy a bloke who is basically Vandal Savage, if you don’t know who Vandal Savage is then read more comics.
You’re probably bowled over by my awesome Bond instincts and are wondering what the film should be called, well thinking about it I’d call it James Bond : Best of British, or failing that Killer Agent.
I can see the posters now, ‘The spy who likes killing a little too much’, ah, it’d be great.
Right, it’s not just me is it who thinks that the idea of James Bond is fucking awesome? You’ve got this bloke yeah, right, who works for the government and has a license to kill people, a fucking license to kill people, not to like park on double yellow lines, actually put a bullet between someones fucking eyes! On top of that he shags top foreign totty then forgets about them immediately afterward, caring not a jot about the current rise in STDs. Lets not forget all the bloody gadgets! Jetpacks, cars with ejector seats, X-ray specks that let him look at womens boobs, actually that might have been Teen Agent, but still bloody impressive.
Anyways, you’ve got all that and yet the films nowadays are fucking dire. I’ll hold my hand up and admit I’ve got something against Pierce Brosnan, a huge dislike you might call it. He thinks he so fucking awesome and oooh look at me, aren’t I cool? When really he reminds of you of that sad friend of your dads who never got married and calls himself a ‘ladys man’, a fucking awful term used by men that negotiate prices with women rather than really talk to them.
I know what you’re thinking, ‘That bloke from Layer Cake is James Bond now’ and im well aware of this fact and pleased as he seems a fairly good actor but the point is that it’s been many a year since I’ve seen a James Bond trailer or poster and thought ‘I’d watch that’.
I haven’t watched all of the newer ones because they repulse me so much, who was the bad guy in Tommorow Never Dies? Some ponce who owned a TV company or something shite like that. Even Lois Lane couldn’t save that one.
Then in Die Another Day you have Halle Berry copying the famous scene when Ursula Andres walks out of the water in Dr.No. Andres was tall, one might say statuesque, strikingly beautiful then there’s Berry kinda built like a boy, not overly attractive, with not an ounce of the grace or style, frankly I was somewhat offended at this slap dash attempt at invoking nostalgia.
Do you want to know the only bit of brand new Bond I’ve enjoyed in the last decade or so? The first twenty odd mintues of Golden Eye. Sean Bean kicks arse.
I grew up watching the James Bond films where Bond was played by Connery and say what you will but Connery IS James Bond. None of that Roger Moore shit, he made it all seem farcical and from the look of him you kinda doubted if the bloke could get up a flight of stairs without having to pause for breath, let alone fight off Jaws.I’ve been thinking how the new James Bond film could start and I reckon it should start in one of those high class brothels situated throughout this fine country, the first shot is an establishing shot which pans up, then through one of the top windows (yes a long panning shot, this is Bond we’re talking about, no cutting corners), you’ve got Bond on this huge bed with three, possibly four prostitutes totally shagged out, and Bond laid between them all looking quite pleased with himself but kinda musing, like he’s wondering if it’s worth going to the pub for a pint with it soon to be last orders when his phone rings. It’s one of those nifty video type things and the bloke says ‘Bond! There’s bad shit going down in America, some shadowy secret agent is blowing shit up and the US needs you to bail them out!’ Bond sneers and says ‘Okay, I’ll be there soon as I can to save the Yanks’, he then hangs the phone up and with the magic of editing is next seen exiting the brothel, this poxy bloke comes up to him and is all sniveling saying ‘Oh Mr.Bond your bill sir’ and Bond goes ‘No time!’ and karate chops the bloke to the neck killing him instantly, some goons appear and Bond wasting no time guns the fuckers down like a Sergio Leone special. He then gets into his car (an Aston Martin obviously), turns on his music system which has Anarchy in the UK pumping out, starts driving away, the car then turns into a flying machine MASK style, heading off for America. Roll opening credits.
That’s how you a) get the Bond films bang up to date and b) make them fucking good viewing.
I’d recommend for the main bad guy a bloke who is basically Vandal Savage, if you don’t know who Vandal Savage is then read more comics.
You’re probably bowled over by my awesome Bond instincts and are wondering what the film should be called, well thinking about it I’d call it James Bond : Best of British, or failing that Killer Agent.
I can see the posters now, ‘The spy who likes killing a little too much’, ah, it’d be great.
