Are you up to the test!?

Do you know anything about massages?

Yeah, that's as far as my knowledge goes as well. Bollocks.

Well, I've been giving my girlfriend massages recently and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

But I told her I was once a semi-professional masseur.

Thanks. Anyway, she's recently started getting these bad back aches.

And I've told her she should see a professional masseur.

She thinks I'm a professional. Or a semi one at any rate.

If I give her one more massage I'm going to remove her ability to walk upright.

Yeah, I'm in something a of a predicament, I either blow my cover, revealing I'm full of shit or I cripple my girlfriend. Tricky.

It's a shame we don't live in a time where you can get a pair of RoboCop type legs.

Well, she could always attach/detach them as she fancied.

It's probably somewhere in the extras.

He definitely had a jet pack at some point. That'd be cool, a hovering girlfriend.

Ah, I've cracked it. I've bloody well cracked it! What I'll do right...

Right... is have a look tonight, go 'Oh my god! You've got a swelling in the delta quadrant! I'll need to refer you to a specialist and will be no longer able to perform massages on you myself as that quadrant was never covered in my training'. Hows that?

Thanks.

You'd have thought so, but if Im still fibbing after that incident in 03 when I said I was a heart surgeon... that lesson will probably never sink in.

I did actually. Last year in town. I was trying to tell her about that amazing convention I went to where I head butted Wesley Crusher but she was all 'waaah, waaah, my dead sister, waaaah, waaah'. As if there wasn't a very likely chace she'd have died anyway.

Oh now that's a good one.

Go on.

That's good put it's not really making best use of your unlimited resources is it? Kevin Mcalister could whip that up.

I've just thought of something that would A) kick ass and B) not take up much space.

I'd have a system of invisible lasers set up throughout the house which in turn are connected to a large number of web shooters mounted on the walls. If anyones stupid enough to pass through a said laser they get their their shit webbed up pronto.

What? You think being webbed is comfortable?

Fuck your mechanical arms...

... because I've got an even better idea.

You have one of those teleporters like off Star Trek right?

No it doesn't send them to the police station. It sends them to a specially prepared cell, which has ten ultra violent, mutant Orangutans in it.

Yeah, they've got laser vision.

Did you hear that Joss Whedon is no longer making the Wonder Woman movie?

Yeah I did actually, a bit weird that.

I'm annoyed as I was excited at the thought of a Wonder Woman film.

Really? I like Whedon as much as the next man but 'Wonder Woman : The Movie' sounds kinda boring to me.

Boring! It's going to be badass and if the studio is still in need of someone to fill Whedons shoes I'd happily jump in and take over.

Oh yeah? How would you make it so badass? Sell it to me.

Well I'd set her up being made out of clay and then trained to be an Amazonian warrior...

Through the magic of the montage.

Yeah the montage would factor into it, while explaining about the golden lariat and how shes linked to the gods...

You know what? This does sound boring.

Hang on I'm getting to the good stuff. So anyway, everything will be set up with Wondy while evils afoot in the shape of Hades and Ares who launch an invasion of Paradise Island.

Why?

Why what?

Why are they invading Paradise Island?

God knows, their evil, it's their job.

Okay, carry on.

Thanks, so you've Hades legions of hell equipped with gnarly shit from Ares banging heads with the Amazons, meaning you've got these beautiful, athletic women hacking and slashing skeletons and monsters to bits.

I'm liking it.

I thought you would. So the Amazons are doing well but they're being overcome by superior numbers.

Bastard. What then?

Well Wonder Woman's mum...

Hippolyta.

Yeah that's her, she tells Wondy about this badass weapon which is the islands only hope of overcoming these evil hordes aaaaaaand Wondy is the only one who can get it, it's her birthright or whatever.

Whats the weapon?

Doesn't matter, I'm thinking a sword myself although it is a little phallic and cliched.

People like phallic and cliched, so it's a quest?

More like a race against time. The Amazons defences can only hold off the evil aggressors for two days tops. In which time she must travel to the island containing aforesaid weapon, overcome challenges therein...

Challenges?

Yeah, like topple a giant, overcome a mystical trap or two, I'm really going for a Sinbad kinda feel here.

Ah, I get ya, cool.

Eventually she gets the weapon, returns with said weapon and whoops the bad guys asses.

What actually happens to Ares and Hades?

She scissor kicks Ares in the head and knees Hades in the junk, forcing their retreat but possible return in any possible sequels.

Actually... I'd go see that.

A thank you.

God, have you heard that song by those two girl bands?
Oh yeah, it is fucking horrendous.
Yeah, it's so terrible I might blog about it.
Oh you have a blog?
Yeah, I don't do much these days but im going to have to write/type about how shit that song is.
That might not be the wisest move.
Why not?
Well that song is for charity so...
Bollocks, their immune to critique.
Exactly, if you say their shit then you're going to be an evil bastard.
Dammit, this is Lenny Henry all over again. For every African saved by comic relief you have a person subjected to shite entertainment.
Yeah, you have b-list, untalented 'celebs' being seen as these great selfless people when you know they're getting their face in to promote themselves.
It would be an idea to phone in, donate and say 'I would donate more if I didn't have to see Graham Norton'.
Something I hate about charity songs is when they mangle really good songs with being shit covers.
Yeah, bad enough they're so shit but why not do something original and shit? People should still buy it for charity and you'd have classics preserved.
Some might say you've got warped priorties but I can't help but agree with you.