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Idle Thoughts

2007-04-03T07:15:00.000-07:00

* I know this is incredibly old hat now but how much of a bastard is 'new blogger'? As I haven't blogged in a while I was just sat staring at the screen - fucked if I could remember my new password. Then I remembered it was exactly the same as the one for old blogger but with a '1' on the end.

* Did you see that poll in SFX in which Serenity was voted the best ever sci-fi movie? How great was that? I think that there's plans in motion for a comic based on the show but surely it deserves another tv series? Ever sentence in this paragraph end in a question mark, strange eh?

* The light above my desk is flashing on and off. Ever time it happens, for a split second, I think 'oooh lightning' then I quickly correct myself with 'oh no, im just too lazy to change the bulb'.

* Long hair is a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because ladies find it nice but it's a curse in that when you try to talk to aforementioned nice ladies the hair decides that this is the time for it to fly into your mouth.

* Im always excited at discovering new music, not in a dickheadish 'ohhh, whats the new trend?' kinda way but just a genuine joy of new talent. My friends however, on the whole... prefer music they're more familiar with. Which leaves me looking at gig listings, excited at upcoming gigs but then a bit sad as I know no one who would come along with me. I mean I could go one my own but y'know, it's a bit tragic isn't it? I could on the other hand make new friends but that would require far too much effort. And social skill.

* It's always a bit gutting when - you've got nothing to do to entertain yourself but piss about on the internet, and then you run out of stuff on the internet. You just sit staring at Google desperate for inspiration, inbetween looking at your e-mail inboxes. When this happens... update your blog.

I Found This Quite Touching

2007-03-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

Hairy

2007-03-05T08:10:00.001-08:00

You know whats been worrying me lately?

It might be quicker if you just tell me.

Nose hair.

Nose hair?

Yeah, I have way too much of the stuff.

* Has a quick look * You don't have that much.

But for my age....?

Do you pluck?

Oh aye, I pluck like a demon but it hurts like fuck!

Have you considered getting a strimmer?

Is that what they call them?

Think so.

Well of course I've considered getting one from... where would you get a nose strimmer from?

Dunno, Argos I'd imagine.

With my luck when ordering aforementioned strimmer I'd be served by the most beutiful woman to have ever worked in Argos.

Yup, sods law.

More like always-looking-like-a-twat-at-the-worst-possible-moment law.

I think sods law is a bit punchier.

And then of course there's always the worry that Im plucking/strimming too much thereby dammaging my nose.

How often do you service your hooter?

Every other day.

Christ on a bike.

Too much?

I'd say.

How often do you prune your schnozz?

I'd don't know, maybe once a month?

Fuck.

Fuck indeed. By the time you're forty you'll have ropes coming down.

Shitting hell, do you think I could get electrolysis for my conk on the NHS?

I doubt it.

Hmmmm, maybe I could just do it myself with a tazer?

Are you suggesting tasering yourself in the neb?

What's the alternative?

Growing a mustache.

... Fuck it, im buying a tazer.

The Touch

2007-02-21T07:28:00.000-08:00

Do you know anything about massages?

Not really, apart from that you put you're hands on someone and move them about.

Yeah, that's as far as my knowledge goes as well. Bollocks.

Why? What's up?

Well, I've been giving my girlfriend massages recently and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

Okay...

But I told her I was once a semi-professional masseur.

Oh, nice touch with the 'semi-professional'. Makes it sound believable.

Thanks. Anyway, she's recently started getting these bad back aches.

Ah.

And I've told her she should see a professional masseur.

But of course....

She thinks I'm a professional. Or a semi one at any rate.

How bad are these bad back aches?

If I give her one more massage I'm going to remove her ability to walk upright.

Nasty.

Yeah, I'm in something a of a predicament, I either blow my cover, revealing I'm full of shit or I cripple my girlfriend. Tricky.

Well, if she does end up in wheel chair... of which we've only actually got your fraudulent professional opinion that that's going to happen, wouldn't your cover be blown anyway?

It's a shame we don't live in a time where you can get a pair of RoboCop type legs.

... ?

Well, she could always attach/detach them as she fancied.

I can't remember the scene where RoboCop detached his legs.

It's probably somewhere in the extras.

I'd just come clean now while you can.

He definitely had a jet pack at some point. That'd be cool, a hovering girlfriend.

You'll soon have no girlfriend at all. Hovering or otherwise.

Ah, I've cracked it. I've bloody well cracked it! What I'll do right...

Yeah?

Right... is have a look tonight, go 'Oh my god! You've got a swelling in the delta quadrant! I'll need to refer you to a specialist and will be no longer able to perform massages on you myself as that quadrant was never covered in my training'. Hows that?

Very semi-professional.

Thanks.

I hope you'll take away from this the lesson that you should never pretend to be something you're not.

You'd have thought so, but if Im still fibbing after that incident in 03 when I said I was a heart surgeon... that lesson will probably never sink in.

Hmm, never completely. Have you seen Jessica since?

I did actually. Last year in town. I was trying to tell her about that amazing convention I went to where I head butted Wesley Crusher but she was all 'waaah, waaah, my dead sister, waaaah, waaah'. As if there wasn't a very likely chace she'd have died anyway.

Yeah, some people can never really live in reality can they?

Tricks And Traps

2007-02-07T03:13:00.000-08:00

If you had unlimited resources for one ultimate booby trap in your home, what would you opt for?

Oh now that's a good one.

Yeah I know, I'm pumped thinking about it. Try this on for size...

Go on.

A camouflaged pit in the floor. When an intruder falls through it they land on a duvet soaked in chloroform which would subdue them instantly. How's that for awesome?

That's good put it's not really making best use of your unlimited resources is it? Kevin Mcalister could whip that up.

Well I thought about something more grandiose like a huge boulder ala Indiana Jones but it wouldn't really be practical for the flat.

I've just thought of something that would A) kick ass and B) not take up much space.

I'm all ears.

I'd have a system of invisible lasers set up throughout the house which in turn are connected to a large number of web shooters mounted on the walls. If anyones stupid enough to pass through a said laser they get their their shit webbed up pronto.

That does kick ass but how about a series of mechanical arms that hold an intruder down and then tickles them? That beats your webs because it not only immobilizes the subject but also makes the immobilisation uncomfortable.

What? You think being webbed is comfortable?

Compared to being tickled? Yes. Being tickled would drive me fucking spare.

Fuck your mechanical arms...

Wow, that's some weird mental imagery.

... because I've got an even better idea.

Lets have it.

You have one of those teleporters like off Star Trek right?

Right? Which sends the intruder where? To the police station? Yawn-o-fucking-rama mate.

No it doesn't send them to the police station. It sends them to a specially prepared cell, which has ten ultra violent, mutant Orangutans in it.

.... ... Mutant?

Yeah, they've got laser vision.

Whoa. With something like that I'd almost... almost feel bad for an intruder/burglar.

Whedon On Wonder No More

2007-02-05T08:36:00.000-08:00

Did you hear that Joss Whedon is no longer making the Wonder Woman movie?

Yeah I did actually, a bit weird that.

I'm annoyed as I was excited at the thought of a Wonder Woman film.

Really? I like Whedon as much as the next man but 'Wonder Woman : The Movie' sounds kinda boring to me.

Boring! It's going to be badass and if the studio is still in need of someone to fill Whedons shoes I'd happily jump in and take over.

Oh yeah? How would you make it so badass? Sell it to me.

Well I'd set her up being made out of clay and then trained to be an Amazonian warrior...

Through the magic of the montage.

Yeah the montage would factor into it, while explaining about the golden lariat and how shes linked to the gods...

You know what? This does sound boring.

Hang on I'm getting to the good stuff. So anyway, everything will be set up with Wondy while evils afoot in the shape of Hades and Ares who launch an invasion of Paradise Island.

Why?

Why what?

Why are they invading Paradise Island?

God knows, their evil, it's their job.

Okay, carry on.

Thanks, so you've Hades legions of hell equipped with gnarly shit from Ares banging heads with the Amazons, meaning you've got these beautiful, athletic women hacking and slashing skeletons and monsters to bits.

I'm liking it.

I thought you would. So the Amazons are doing well but they're being overcome by superior numbers.

Bastard. What then?

Well Wonder Woman's mum...

Hippolyta.

Yeah that's her, she tells Wondy about this badass weapon which is the islands only hope of overcoming these evil hordes aaaaaaand Wondy is the only one who can get it, it's her birthright or whatever.

Whats the weapon?

Doesn't matter, I'm thinking a sword myself although it is a little phallic and cliched.

People like phallic and cliched, so it's a quest?

More like a race against time. The Amazons defences can only hold off the evil aggressors for two days tops. In which time she must travel to the island containing aforesaid weapon, overcome challenges therein...

Challenges?

Yeah, like topple a giant, overcome a mystical trap or two, I'm really going for a Sinbad kinda feel here.

Ah, I get ya, cool.

Eventually she gets the weapon, returns with said weapon and whoops the bad guys asses.

What actually happens to Ares and Hades?

She scissor kicks Ares in the head and knees Hades in the junk, forcing their retreat but possible return in any possible sequels.

Actually... I'd go see that.

A thank you.

Familiar And Shit

2007-02-03T08:01:00.000-08:00

God, have you heard that song by those two girl bands?
Oh yeah, it is fucking horrendous.
Yeah, it's so terrible I might blog about it.
Oh you have a blog?
Yeah, I don't do much these days but im going to have to write/type about how shit that song is.
That might not be the wisest move.
Why not?
Well that song is for charity so...
Bollocks, their immune to critique.
Exactly, if you say their shit then you're going to be an evil bastard.
Dammit, this is Lenny Henry all over again. For every African saved by comic relief you have a person subjected to shite entertainment.
Yeah, you have b-list, untalented 'celebs' being seen as these great selfless people when you know they're getting their face in to promote themselves.
It would be an idea to phone in, donate and say 'I would donate more if I didn't have to see Graham Norton'.
Something I hate about charity songs is when they mangle really good songs with being shit covers.
Yeah, bad enough they're so shit but why not do something original and shit? People should still buy it for charity and you'd have classics preserved.
Some might say you've got warped priorties but I can't help but agree with you.

Sabre Colour Mixing

2007-01-31T03:31:00.000-08:00

Hey, you know what was weird?
Krillen having a full head of hair?
No, although yeah, that was weird.
Krillen having a child with an android?
No, although that too was fucked up. What I was going to say was this - wasn't it weird that Samuel L Jackson had a purple light sabre?
What?
I mean, how come he got his own colour of light sabre?
I don't known maybe he was the most powerful Jedi?
Was he bollocks. Jackson should have got a clip round and ear and told if green was good enough for Yoda then it was good enough for him.
I suppose you've got a point and why purple? It looked a bit dark, more like a Sith's sabre than a Jedi's.
It looked more lame than dark.
Yeah, how come sabres are different colours anyway?
Well, in Clone Wars you see that the Jedi's have access to a planet which has the gems required for the sabres, which are blue, green... and that shitty purple. Obviously the Sith have to go elsewhere and the gems they've got are red.
Huh. What would happen if you banged two different bits of gem in to the same sabre?
I don't know but I bet it would be awesome.
Well if you mixed a red and a blue you'd get... purple.
Mother fucker.

How about red and green? That'd give you yellow.

Yellow? Wow, a colour even naffer than purple.

I remember from my high school days that if you mix red, blue and green together you get white.

White? Are you sure?

Fairly sure. Now whites pretty badass right?

Not really, a white light sabre would just look like your standard fluorescent tube.

Hmmm, I suppose this mixing light sabre gems isn't as awesome an idea as it first seemed.

That's putting it mildly.

Robotic Growth

2007-01-22T10:16:00.000-08:00

Hey, heres a question.
Go on.
Do you think robots ever get facial hair?
Robots with facial hair? Like Optimus Prime with a beard?
Yeah.
No that would be impossible.
Why?
Well, they're not biological are they? How could they have hair?
Well, it could be made out of rust.
Right, and we've never seen a robot with a beard before because... ?
They shave?
Shave? You're seriously putting forward the theory that C3PO shaves. Like theres some unused footage somewhere of him in front of a mirror lathered up with shaving foam?
It would be like the robot equivalent, acid or something.
That would just melt his face off.
Maybe but you've got to concede the point that a robot with a beard...
Or moustache.
Or moustache, would look pretty narly.
Yeah it would but you'd have the downside as well.
Meaning?
Well, female robots would have hair as well. Can you imagine that robot from metropolis with arm pit hair? That would suck.
As stated before, she could shave it off.
With the acid.
Yeah, the acid.
Which we've agreed wouldn't work.
Well a laser then or something, Im going to go draw a picture of a robot with a badass beard.
Have fun.

The Ultimate Calendar

2007-01-11T03:45:00.000-08:00

What are you doing?
Cutting up old calendars.
I see that, I see that, uh, why?
Im making the ultimate calendar.
The what?
The ultimate calendar.
By cutting up old calendars.
Yeah, the idea came to me yesterday. I like superheroes, hendrix, alice cooper....
All calendars you've owned before.
Exactly. So, why not merge them together to form the ultimate calendar?
Hmmm, interesting. You know, some people might say you've got a little too much spare time on your hands.
Yeah, definitely, hence the ultimate calendar.
Fair point.

Mission Quite Possible

2007-01-03T09:23:00.000-08:00

Hey, happy new year! Two thousand and seven eh? And still no sight of a bloody hover board.

I got a new phone for Christmas (get me) and it came with a sim card that had five quid of credit already on it. Now if you know anything about Northern Spirit (that isn't the name of some new wave band) you'll know I couldn't bare the thought of five pounds going to waste.

Now the sim card I already had was well topped up with credit and so I was left with only one option, my mission was to use the new number and its credit but to do so quickly in case people thought it was new number and edited their contact details accordingly.

Piece of piss you say but you'd be wrong to do so as I don't like talking on the mobile and most people I text cost 3p so it's been a tremendous effort to whittle that credit down.

This whole 'Brewsters Millions' affair has almost drawn to close, im down now to just 5p and no, even with that little on it I can't walk away, blame Northern Spirit (still not a band).

Just one more text.... one more text.

I don't know how people on contract do it. My dad is on a ridiculous contract, he gets 200 minutes a month and they accumulate over time, or something of that nature. He knows less people than I do! Crazy.

My Favourite Time Of Year

2006-12-29T03:45:00.000-08:00

Now then, did you all have a good christmas? Got fat on quality street and mince pies? Eeee, you cant beat the days between christmas day and new years, just aimless days of eating shit and doing fuck all but watching films off telly.

I've found myself in some interesting binds, while typing this post im not watching the lizzie mcguire film, tragic, but my readers are worth this sacrifice.

How many days did it take you to getting round to storing away your presents? Its a kinda fun but annoying job of finding space for socks and soap sets (the standard present fodder), you kind of become a mini warehouse manager as you assess possible storage spaces throughout the house.

Im supposed to go to a fancy dress type affair on new years eve but still have next to no costume, I wouldn't mind but I don't live that far away from a fancy dress shop but ever day I fail to summon the energy for the 10 odd minute walk, im trully a lethargic bastard. Whats partially putting me off though is my lack of ideas, I was thinking of going as Bowie but thats like a proper project, I might just buy an eye patch.... or possibly a moustache. Maybe both.

Going as a pirate, the desperate mans option. Still, better than nowt.

This afternoon im thinking of either watching Zathura or the Pianist, I've never seen either film before and even though I know I should really watch the Pianist, I can see myself watching Zathura. It won't be a patch on Jumaji, I know this deep down but still one can hope. I like Adrian Brody as well and the work of Polanski, its just going to be a bit heavy going isnt it?

Evil Santa?

2006-12-23T09:36:00.000-08:00

Is it just me, or is this Santa doing a Nazi salute?

Apologies for low quality of pic, it was taken with me phone.

This Whole Business With The Killings In Ipswich

2006-12-19T09:12:00.000-08:00

Now Im famous, well... famous might be too grandiose a term, Im known... alright, I have a tendency for avoiding major news items (always feel like someone else has probably said the same thing) but I just want to point out one thing.

And its not some bit of shite humor, like those fucking awful jokes you hear, y'know? Like, err....

What's the difference between Mr.Kipling and the Ipswich Ripper?

Mr.Kipplin puts six tarts in a box.

It's not nice is it? Also, it doesn't really make sense as Im sure Kipling will have someone to do the whole tart boxing thing for him. Plus, are all the victims going to end up in a box? What about cremations? The whole thing just doesn't work.

And it's not to do with the BBC making that interview available to the public, no, but it is to do with something I noticed on the BBC website.

When you put the cursor over that dudes picture, it comes up '...so and so's myspace picture'.

...

...

Myspace?

...

The Suffolk Strangler has a fucking myspace? Now that's kinda funny isn't it? Not in a ha-ha kinda way but a, I dunno, 'isn't the world a fucked up place' kinda way?

Imagine if that dude asked you to be his myspace friend and in a moment of 'whatever' mentality you accepted, just think, that dude would be one of your 'friends'.

Funny.

Idle Thoughts

2006-12-11T04:18:00.000-08:00

* Christmas shopping is a right pisser. I don't like it, I especially don't like you smug gits who do it all online. It's just not the same without a few cuts and bruises. Those cuts and bruises are no joke. My sister got KO'd in the Disney Shop, on her arse she was. Seriously, Christmas time brings out the worst in people.

* Used a new can of shaving foam this morning, the first thing that came out of it was a jet of freezing air onto my hand. It stung like fuck, it was reminiscent of that scene in Terminator 2 where the T1000 gets soaked in liquid nitrogen.

* I was aghast, yes aghast, the other day while walking through the city. A lady who was sat in a car thought it was alright to flick her lit cigarette out onto a busy street, it missed me by about an inch. The level of fucking ignorance was astounding, her car was stationary due to traffic, if I was a nutter I would have most likely smashed her windscreen. I mean, how would she have liked it if I'd have thrown my crisp packet into her car?

* While doing some x-mas shopping in pound land for people im only so-so about I beheld a visual treat. Four of five lads fervently stocking up on flavored condoms, they were carrying more than they could hold in their hands as they hastened to the checkout. If I had to use one word to describe them it would be this - optimistic.

* How come music channels can get away with playing songs that feature words such as 'bitch', any time day or night but Paramount comedy can't broadcast the word 'ass' on two and half men? It really winds me up.

A Dull Day

2006-12-05T08:00:00.000-08:00

Little to report today.

I did ask a lady if the pen in her hand was her own or mine, when I knew full well that it was mine but didn't have the heart to call her a 'bloody thief'.

That is all.

Oh It Winds Me Up

2006-11-29T08:26:00.000-08:00

You know what really winds me up?

When a cashier, after processing your purchase gives you your note (notes if your a bit rich), then your receipt and lastly your coins on top, all at once, into your hand. Throw in the annoyed look said cashier gives you as you fumble about trying to sort these disparate items while they've got more customers to serve and it leaves me feeling really cheesed off.

It's a frustrating social situation, I have one hand full holding on to the item I've just bought and the other is full due to reasons listed above. Im too tight to risk coin dropage by moving so I have to maneuver all these items to their respective homes as quick as possible, which even with my years of practice still takes about a minute and a half.

I know I could thrust them all into one pocket then sort it out later but should I have to?
Is it so hard to put the receipt in the bag? Couldn't you hand me the note then the coins straight after? How many hands/limbs do you think I've got? Im sorry but you're not dealing with an octopus today as I suspect is your usual customer but a mere two armed human with moderate to poor hand-eye-coordination.

Wouldn't it have been funny if there was a WHSmith on the Nautilus? I bet there was a Subway, those fuckers are everywhere. I bet even Nemos hate of the land based human population couldn't have overcome his crews love of the footlong BLT.

Clowning About? I Think Not

2006-11-28T09:05:00.000-08:00

I had yet another amazing idea yesterday.

We're all agreed that clowns are strange and unpleasant? Of course we are. Well, you know the way that there is a sex offenders register on the internet where you can print out pictures of kiddy fiddlers and put them up in pubs in the hope of some vigilante justice? Well, how about the kinda same thing for clowns?

That would be ideal really as when im researching somewhere that im going to in the near future im always thinking 'Whats the average clown to normal person ratio?'. With this I could just go on the clown register and find out how many are at large in that area. It would also be good when buying a home as that would be my first question 'Are there any clowns in the neighborhood?'. If yes I'd be out of there faster than you could say bobo.

If theres any clowns reading this I hope you're trembling in fear. You're days of hiding in those big tops are rapidly coming to an end you nightmare inducing freaks of nature.

Frequently Asked Questions. How Frequent?

2006-11-20T03:57:00.000-08:00

Just planning a trip at the mo and have a little question for an airline, to try and not be a bother I went through their frequently asked questions. They were the best bit of reading I've done in a long time -

You want to know about the carry on rules applying to a wedding dress? You got it.
Worried about traveling with your surfboard? All the answers you seek are there.
Whats the policy on incinerated human remains? Don't worry, that's covered.
And to put everyones minds to rest 'Antlers or horns are accepted as checked baggage only'.

I love the madness which is the human race.

Just so you know, my question wasn't to be found. Can't have been asked frequently enough.

The Computer Dies On Me

2006-11-14T03:38:00.000-08:00

Yes, my home computer has died a thousand deaths and must now go to a place where there are people more capable than I (that is in fact most places) who will prod and poke it back to life. Hopefully.

It's amazing the line of dialogue you will open with an inanimate object when it's failing to work. Something that you usually only pay the most percursory notice to will suddenly be receiving petitions and threats to varying degrees which it can't possibly respond to. Or at least chooses not to.

Im trying to look at this in the most philosophical light possible, I beleive that the computer is infact exercising its right to passive rebellion due to its forced co-operation in the drivel I force upon the internet.

You know in films like the Terminator where the computers became sentient and decide to destroy mankind? Wouldn't it be laughable if computers became sentient in the real world? With all the bizarre ramblings, odd videos and useless information on the internet you wouldn't exactly have Hal 9000 would you? You'd just a have blithering idiot/misfit who had a propensity to send e-mails to strangers.

Most Boring

2006-11-13T07:45:00.000-08:00

Im sorry if you like those 'Most Haunted' shows but I find them fucking boring. The only good one was that one that had Lister in it, 'Ghostwatch', as it had special effects and shit. All these ones nowadays just have nighttime vision surveillance of dark corridors and sod all else *yawn*

You know what I'd do to beef up these so called scary shows? Get that chick off the Poltergeist (if shes still alive) to present, you know the one that gives it 'Carol Anne, stay away from the light', just her voice gives you the shivers. Seriously, she shits me up. I think she did some of the crazy noises in the Exorcist although I might have dreamt that.

Impressions Of A Night Out

2006-11-08T05:07:00.000-08:00

I was out and about last night, yes, a Tuesday night, a school night but fuck it, im a wild one me. I don't really have anything to type about but if I don't type something today they'll be nothing for another week and it's either this or some poetry and you don't deserve to be subjected to more of that so soon.

Being a student night last night (isn't every night a student night?) bottles of beer were merely a pound and even though I didn't really want to drink that much, at those prices I'd have been a fool not to.

A friend of mine who is very hirsute and somewhat rotund was asked for ID before going into one establishment, the very thought that he could be under the age of 18 is absolutely ludicrious. Although I myself do get asked for ID, infact the older ive gotten the more I get asked for it, that's a labour government for you.

This nightclub I was in had an interesting system of television screens which would put up a text message or picture if you sent it to them. At first there was a really interesting discussion on who was truly better - the Autobots or the Decepticons. Which obviously led to questions about the Dinobots and Centuarians, obviously.
But it soon degenerated into a serious of 'such and such uni is shit', 'nah, your met is shit', 'oh, that bird is fit', 'who me?', 'no, not you, you minger, your mate' and so on and so forth. I lost count of the number of Borat quotes, niiiiiiiiice.

An interesting number of tv theme tunes, I was loving it when they played fresh prince of bel air, not sure why people got so excited about the friends theme though. No saved by the bell, what amateurs.

I've forgotten the good fun of a night out, walking down the main street at two in the morning I saw a man being sick into the road, a woman throw a can of beer at a night club and two men falling about, all this in the space of five feet. Excellent.

I now realise that this must read like a night out from one of the dullest men alive, for which I do apologise, I am's what I ams, as Popeye would say.

He's Fucking Dead!?

2006-11-01T06:54:00.000-08:00

Don't you hate it when you find out that someone you like is dead? I've been a Sublime fan for a while now and only yesterday did I find out that one of the main dudes, Brad Nowell, is dead and that's why the band broke up. Kinda of weird to be listening to a dead person and not even know.

The title of this post is a paraphrase of one of my favourite lines in cinema, from the now (in my mind) classic Mallrats. It's when TS hears that the fat girl has had an aneurysm, 'She's fucking dead?!', I love the anger and annoyance behind it as I've thought/think the same thing myself.

I want to stress that im no way angry toward the people that have died, that would be stupid. Im angry at the world for taking away someone who I wish was still here. Which is possibly the most selfish and self centered way of considering another persons death.

It's like the day I discovered Chris Farley was dead, what a bummer that was.

Brad Nowell, the next time I rock out to 'Wrong Way' I'll be thinking of you.

Halloween 2006

2006-10-31T07:09:00.000-08:00

Awesome, it's Halloween, that time of year when people knock on your door and you make an extra effort to pretend you don't hear the knocking.

Years ago my dad got this knock at the door, he opened it to find a lad who'd merely got an extra large coat on with the hood up saying 'Trick or treat', my dad just laughed, told him to fuck off and closed the door. It was only the start of September to be fair.

I feel like I have to do something horror based tonight as that is the law. There's boundless going to be some spooky film on tv, have you noticed though that there are a lot of horror films on at Christmas as well? Strange.

I fancy getting one of those things that the bloke/s in the Scream films had, that gizmo to change your voice. With one of those I could pull 'hilarious' pranks on friends and family, the goal obviously being to cause someone to poo themselves with fright.

A year or two ago a friend called up and tried to do that weird rattle/gasp noise that the girl in the Ring films does. You know that 'auuuragghhkkk', well, he didn't do it that well and I thought it was someone having an asthma attack.

Actually im going to be very geeky now and tell you that I plan to read something by Junji Ito tonight as that guy really is shit your pants scary.

Oh, while we are on the whole Halloween/horror theme have you heard about these people that have passed out while watching Saw 3? Now I haven't seen the film but they must obviously have been a bunch of lightweights. Infact, due to the amount of supposedly-but-not-actually scary films that have had people pass out in them I can't help but think that some hollywood exec must bang a few people with nervous disorders into the theatre for extra publicity.

Wishing The Working Day Away

2006-10-30T07:25:00.000-08:00

Im surrounded by these idiots
all of them corporate rock whores

Why do they wear white
when their cigarette smoke will stain it yellow?

I agree with Liam and Noel - Stay Young
but some fuckers push it

Get some fresh air and see a preacher
showing a leather bound bible to a bloke begging

If you think the first generation of x-men had it easy
then you weren't reading between the lines

Im the Leonard Cohen of my generation
just without the talent

I Flirt With Crime

2006-10-30T05:12:00.000-08:00

Yes, you read that right, this weekend saw me engage in some non 100% legal behavior!

I was on a return train journey from Sheffield with a ticket which specifically said, in bold letters no less - NOT DONCASTER. And what route do you think my train was taking? Thats right! through Doncaster! Im the dick turpin of my day. Or possibly just a dick.

So there I was laughing with contempt at national rails pricing policy when in comes the ticket inspector, needless to say the atmosphere was tense. You could have cut it with a knife, or any other sharp implement really.

He sidles over, grey haired indeed but obviously a more slippery customer for his experience (I imagine). He asks for my ticket and my heart is beating ten to the dozen, I pass him my rail ticket with a devil-may-care air, he takes the ticket and our eyes meet (not in a gay way) and I brace myself for flight when he says 'Ta, mate' and goes on his way. Phew! Close call or what?

Now that I've recounted this devilish act I just want to quickly say to any female readers to not swoon too greatly at this diabolical feat. I know your always marrying axe murderers and falling for the 'bad boy' but in this case (and probably those I've just said) it's not a fantastic idea, in this case because im spoken for.

A thank you.

Who Has A Dudder Eye?

2006-10-29T04:52:00.000-08:00

Paris Hilton?

Or....

Mad Eye Moody?

Cartoons Help Shape Childrens Vaules With Regards To Beauty

2006-10-25T05:02:00.000-07:00

Check this out.

Interesting stuff.

Waste Of Space

2006-10-24T05:00:00.000-07:00

Last night I was happily slicing up a tasty orange (thats not slang for anything, just eating fruit) when I noticed something that irked me.

There is a label on the orange saying 'orange'.

Now obviously, that might be a cushy little job for someone, putting labels on individual pieces of fruit. But when you consider that we are on the precipice of the end of the world as we now it, global warming and all that malarkey, I find it odd that my orange has a little sticker identifying it as such.

Consider the cost of the labels, the adhesive, getting them printed, stuck on etc... just for you or I to peel them off and throw them in the bin. Failing that, accidentally eat them.

I will concede that these stickers may serve some function that im failing to recognise but I thought I'd just bring it to the general publics notice.

Actually, this whole thing reminds me of my campaign to abolish silent letters.

The Girl That Works In Greggs

2006-10-23T06:12:00.000-07:00

Have you seen that girl that works in Greggs?
The one with long blonde hair and lovely legs?

Her face is so lovely, so emotive
my buying ginger buns there has an ulterior motive

Her name is Linda or possibly Sheena
oh how I'd love to squeeze her

You'll think im a total berk
but ive changed my route to work

I pass by there every day at quarter past eight
all these buns are starting to effect my weight

She smells like the pasties that shes stealing
is it wrong to find that sexually appealing?

I used to be an Ainsleys mans but now im 100% Gregg
for my lovely Sarah or possibly Meg

You might laugh when I tell you she has a lisp
but I once saw her give a homeless man a crisp

I know this all seems odd, so very strange
Im in ecstasy when shes handing me my change

Your probably thinking this girl is the utter dregs
but I don't care, I love the girl that works in Greggs

Are you up for some poetry?

2006-10-20T05:49:00.000-07:00

Daybreak

If you hear a cheer
then you know I've got clear
They all look on as I fly by
students and teachers both
Tomorrow they'll be hell to pay
but who cares? Right now im free

Tests

I wasn't the first there
others came before me
We're all off on an odyssey
they all seem so scared.
I was just bored

Leaving

I've had enough, got to the point where I doubt there is a point
walking back in the dark im on my guard
The streets are a disgrace but im proud of them
I don't think you've got the right to fucking condemn
So what if it smells like sick, spilt food, piss
and god knows what else?
It's where I come from.

Scenic

Kill some time
find a place you've never seen before
Beautiful, you should come here more often
you see a split condom wrapper on the ground
How weird is it to wonder what type it was?
And how much weirder is it to think it was extra safe?

He Ain't Heavy...

2006-10-17T07:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday this creepy old dude comes up to me on the street. He says 'I know your brother, aye, I know your brother Robin' (I don't have a brother called Robin) and commences to start shaking my hand. Old creepy dudes friends laugh merrily at this as I shake the hand of a creepy old dude, filled with confusion (me that is, not the COD).

They all amble off and im left wondering what exactly happened. I then realise that im wearing my Batman t-shirt.

Seriously, that t-shirt is worth its weight in stories.

The Nadir Of Public Transport?

2006-10-17T04:49:00.000-07:00

Good god, im going to have to relate you the events of this mornings commute into work.

There was this gimp who was preventing me from reading to due to the barking nature of his voice, this being the reason I can give you so accurate a description of the miscreant, of which there is no doubt in my mind of him being.

His appearance? No word of a lie he looked like one of them out of linkin park gone wrong, imagine taking a gremlin, giving it a quick zap in the microwave and an unnecessarily large dose of peroxide and your half way there to the baffoon this man appeared.

So, we've got the barking voice, the shoddy appearance and we've yet to touch on why I dislike him so. He started telling the person next to him of his time spent in Mexico, he actually said 'I know my way around Mexico', what? The entire country? On top of that he claimed to know every holiday rep in Mexico and that he invented a drinking game which no one in Mexico, native or tourist could match him in. It doesn't take a massive stretch of the imagination to suppose that most of them gave up and went home based on his tiring personality.

Right, now that we've got the all the pertinent background info, I'll tell you why I didn't like him.

He started 'freestyle rapping'. Now, I don't know how familiar you are with Northern England, possibly where you live 'freestyle rapping' goes down quite well, here, it's doesn't, at all.

I shake my head at this sorry state of affairs. God willing he'll go back to Mexico and someone there will have the decency to kill him.

Madonna And This Kids She's Adopted

2006-10-17T03:30:00.000-07:00

I don't usually comment on things in the news as I usually come off looking like the fool I am but I'll give this one a bash as im baffled with the amount of attention which such a straight forward bit of news can generate.

First off, how can anyone be surprised that Madonna has gotten preferential treatment? If I went into a pizza hut as the same time as Madonna, I wouldn't be shocked if she was served before me. Now im not comparing a human child to a ten inch pepperoni, better men than me have tried and failed but it's the same principle, like her or not she's mega famous, so is treated better than the average Joe.

Secondly, people have been moaning that shes gotten round the full assessment, or whatever you want to call it, to establish if shes a suitable parent. Shes fucking Madonna, married to Guy Ritchie, they are what the Yorkshire call 'bloody loaded', im sure they can afford to raise a child, and doesn't she already have a few kids? I've not heard of them having any cuts or bruises so I take it shes at least an OK mum.

Thirdly (aren't numbering systems fun?), do you honestly think the kid is thinking 'Bugger, adopted by Madonna'? If I was him I'd be well chuffed, getting to live in a bloody castle with maids and butlers, as part of one of the most famous families in the world. He's never going to be lacking a bit of cash and good times. Ten years from now he can bang out a book, he doesn't even have to write himself if he doesn't want to, call it something like 'My time with mags', nice little earner that'll be. If you're thinking 'What if it doesn't sell well?', nonsense, all he has to do is hint that there's a bit in it about Guy feeling him up or something and it's a guaranteed bestseller.

So there you go, the first few reasons to come to my mind as to why this story doesn't really warrant any of our attention.

Playing Games

2006-10-16T09:20:00.000-07:00

I recently bought a new game for my old PS2. It's great when you get back into an interest you've been out of for a while isn't it? The game is called God of War and if anyone remembers Myth on the Commodore 64, well, it's pretty much the same thing but in 3D.

The Commodore 64 is the main reason for this post as thinking back on it has flooded my mind with gaming nostalgia. It was a cracking machine although, tell these kids that the games you used to play where on cassettes and they look at you like your a mental.

I did actually have a cartridge or two for the Commodore, a game starting almost instantly was like magic back then. By eck, thinking back on all that time starting at loading screens, misspent youth or what?

Does anyone remember dizzy? You can stuff your Lara Croft or Sonic the Hedgehog, Dizzy was the shit. He was an egg (I think) with red gloves and boots and had about a million games on the go, most of which I had.

I had Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game as well, which came in a cardboard box, fancy stuff back then. It was beauty as you could change turtles as you went, Donatello was probably the best to play with, his staff offering the best range but I defy anyone to resist the temptation of playing as Raphael.

I had an Aliens game which was shit hot. It was first person, like Doom but many, many years before and you had to lead all the marines through alien infested corridors. I remember that hispanic soldier called Vasquez, I could never pronounce her name back then so I referred to her as Vas-Squeeze, much to my dads amusement.

The games seemed a lot gorrier and downright stranger back then. I remember a game where you were inside a giant alien and each level was like a different part of his body which you had to destroy. Also a game where you had to run round mazes avoiding giant ants. Barmy.

I could go on and on about this, so before I alienate any none gaming readers... What? I so do have readers, I must do, my mum says im lovely. Where was I? Oh yes, bye bye.

Hey, Hey, It's A Monkey!

2006-10-16T08:49:00.000-07:00

You'll all have already seen it but I only sat and watched the new King Kong film recently. What a load of old tosh. Now im the type of person to get excited about a movie featuring a giant monkey, unreasonably so. But this? Naff.

Although there was one gem right at the end. Kong has been drilled through with machine gun fire and has fallen off the empire state building when Jack Black appears and gives it 'Love killed the beast'. Now then Jack, like you as I do I can't help but think that the coroners report might differ with you.

Idle Thoughts

2006-10-10T07:45:00.000-07:00

* I've got a sore throat, a runny nose, ringing ears (christ they're annoying) and a motherfucker of a bad cough. But I don't pull a sicky. Why? God knows, fucking daft aren't I? Although one good thing about being in this state is that when you don't like someone you can do a big, gross cough all over them. You can follow pretty much anything up with 'Sorry, im full of cold' and you can get away with it. Obviously, when I say anything, I don't mean high end crimes like bank robbing and waging illegal wars, although, who knows? Anythings possible.

* The other night I was walking past a pub which was obviously having a lock-in (im sure you know the signs). This of course is quite daft what with the new 24 hour drinking laws, however, perhaps they don't know about these new fangled laws and think their being badass gangsters. In a way, I hope that no one ever tells them because at the moment they've got the perfect entertainment, legal crime. I would love to be some kind of bootlegger (isn't bootlegger an awesome word?), possibly smuggling skittles into skittles prohibited areas.

* For the first time last night I thought that it was a good thing that plastic cups are given out at a lot of gigs these days. I was seeing the mighty Lemonheads and during one song these two bell ends started conversing on the history of the song and it's technical aspects (like you can't do that shit after the gig?). My initial desire was to smash my cup over one, or both of their heads but of course being plastic it would bounce off harmlessly. Unless of course I ripped it and tried to jab them with a sharp bit, even then, not a massive amount of destructive potential. So hats off to the dude that had the foresight to supply the masses with plastic cups.

* Just when you think you've got nothing left to blog about, some young girls on the train will sing the Batman theme tune at you and make you realise there's plenty left to experience in life. Was I wearing a Batman T-shirt? Yes. Did they say I was less attractive that Christian Bale? Yes. But, where they pushing a baby around in push chair and looking generally manky (a scientific term meaning, unpleasant to look at and having a dubious odour)? Most definitely yes.
I can't help but feel the superior party in that exchange was myself.

Worth Its Weight In Gold

2006-10-09T05:22:00.000-07:00

My household has been rocked with merriment since the purchase of a herb. Not an illegal one either.

The other day I brought home a jar of Thyme, since then the jokes (such as they are) have been cumin (a little herb joke for you there, it really is infectious) thick and fast.

In the space of five minutes we had -

* Thyme after thyme
* Thyme is on my side
* I've got Thyme to spare
* Thyme, Thyme and Thyme again
* Thyme waits for no man

And many, many more. So I recommend picking up a jar the next time your out and about, it's worth the 30 odd pence for the humour alone.

Curb Your Enthusiasm

2006-10-04T08:24:00.000-07:00

'Yeeees!!'

This I cry as the ginger lad on Supermarket Sweep finds the item which secures him two thousand pounds (the main prize) at the very last second.

The girlfriend gives me a look which can only be described as disapproving.

She argues that Supermarket Sweep is a ten year old, naff quiz show with an even naffer presenter, im far too enthusiastic. I in turn argue that Supermarket Sweep is the perfect mix of game show fun and shoplifting excitement.

She refuses to come round to my way of thinking. We clearly have vastly different outlooks on life.

Happy Birthday Dear Blog

2006-09-27T09:01:00.000-07:00

Well, this blog is one year old today. Kinda crept up on me, much like my own birthdays. Google are also celebrating their birthday today which is a cool coincidence.

I suppose this is where I get all dull and introspective? I don't really fancy doing that. I enjoy doing this blog and hopefully will still be doing it in a years time. I do apologise for the times when there's been a big slump in posts, I am a lazy bastard but will do my best to fight against my natural impulse to laze around and eat sweets in the future.

Oh, and thanks to anyone whos ever commented, it's always nice to know you're not speaking to yourself. I would comment more myself but works internet is still all spunky so I can't do that, nor can I view comments so if you've asked me a burning question with regards to who'd win in a fight between Robocop and the Terminator, or anything of that nature then please bear with me.

Friends Reunited. Well, Not Exactly Friends...

2006-09-26T05:13:00.000-07:00

It is a strange thing when you bump into someone you used to go to primary school with. I make this comment as that is what has just happened to yours truly. My first thought was 'Why are you out of uniform?' but then I thought that at twenty odd years of age their mum probably doesn't make them wear it anymore.

Not to suggest that im in my school uniform. That would just be weird.

Another thing that is odd about it is this need to impress. To be honest I never really knew this person, hell, I didn't really like them but here I am giving out my most 'Bloody hell, aren't I awesome?' vibes.

I think I made a good first impression as I was maxing relaxing, listening to the Lemonheads and reading Pride and Prejudice, so I was at the height of my interesting/eclectic powers.

While im on the subject of the Lemonheads I must report that I still haven't obtained anyone to go with. How sad am I? That's right. Very.

At this point im considering buying two tickets and just giving one to a friend so as to secure some company. If only Evan Dando knew about this, it's the sort of thing he'd write a song about.

I Frown At The Girlfriends Behaviour

2006-09-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

The other day the girlfriend was at my place. As I come back from having a snack in the kitchen I see the girlfriend putting a pile of her socks on top of a pile of my comics. I frown.

'Hey '
'Hey'
'How come you've put your socks there?'
'Oh, I just figured they'd be easier to get a hold of there'
'Easier than them being in the sock drawer?'
'Well, yeah, because, like, the sock drawer has both yours and my socks in it, this way it's easier for me to get at mine'
'Hmmm, how long did it take you to locate all of your socks in the sock drawer?'
' 'Bout five minutes'

As usual my mind boggles at the female brain. Anyways, the upshot is that Batman is now buried under a pile of socks.

I'll very slowly start transferring her socks back to the sock drawer.

A Shit Situation

2006-09-23T15:15:00.000-07:00

I was at a party recently that I enjoyed tremendously, however, it has recently come to light that events occurred that now make it interesting to blog about.

A girl at said party stayed over due to hammering down a bottle of Lambrini, the boyfriend having work the next day couldn't face the challenge of looking after her. A friend of mine also stayed over, his reason being that he's a social misfit. Anyway, the next day he gets up and is sleeping on the floor in the front room, the girl was sleeping on the sofa but is now gone.

The first thing that hits him is a terrible smell, he looks over at the vacated sofa and in between the sheets of the girls resting place is a big turd. A fucking turd, can you believe it?

What gets me about this story is that everyone knows she was there, yet shes got up, put her shoes on and legged it, leaving the evidence behind. You'd take the sheets with you and clean them wouldn't you? Even better, you'd throw them away and buy them some new sheets.

It gets weirder when you consider that the girl has yet to bring this subject up and has come out again since. Like, shes pooed on someones sofa then met up with them for a drink and no one has brought up the brown incident.

Even if you did run out due to panic you'd surely phone them up and apologise and offer to pay for cleaning expenses etc... But no, infact the hosts feel bad at the idea of bringing the subject up. Very odd.

On a side note :

The turd ended up going all over the sofa when it slid off during the pick up of the sheets. Even after numerous scrubbings the cat still refuses to go into the front room.

Student Festival

2006-09-20T08:16:00.000-07:00

Today the college is throwing a 'student festival', upon seeing this abomination I can safely say that it is the greatest deterrent to a person entering higher education that I've ever seen, bar student fees.

You have some gimp playing DJ, god knows where they've dragged him from, they probably put an ad in the paper - 'Person required to annoy the general public with an unpleasant, unnecessarily loud noise'. While all staff have stupid smiles plastered over their faces.

The honey moon will soon end, oh yes, it will soon end.

Rocking Out With Public Transport

2006-09-20T03:26:00.000-07:00

This morning I took the bus to work with my sister. She's got one of those Ipod thingys, she offered me a headphone, I at first declined but soon banged it in my left lug, you know what she said 'You best not have any ear wax', siblings eh?

I am seriously not ready for any sort of personal music device of that nature. Much like that family in Gremlins weren't ready for old Gizmo, oh yeah, bang water on him, give them a bucket of KFC after midnight, whats the worse that could happen? Idiots.

Oh yeah the music thing, not ready at all. We got the Ghostbusters theme tune on and I was banging my head like a crazy person. I came close to singing out loud about 5 times, if I had one of those things myself I'd probably end up trying to get the driver to do a duet with me and we both know how wrong that'd be. I've heard him humming, the mans tone deaf.

Ahh, What To Do!?

2006-09-19T08:04:00.000-07:00

Im in a room where quite a few people can see me and my jeans are slowly but surely falling down. Since my chucky monkey phase post Amsterdam I had to move my belt notch up one, or down one depending on how you look at it.

After some huffing and puffing the old belly is a bit less flabby, which of course makes me chuffed but I am at the moment in danger of showing off my crap green boxers the next time I stand up.

Why oh why couldn't I have put on a cool black pair this morning?

It's a shame there isn't anything wrong with my fly because then there would be a weird insected theme to all of todays posts, that would have been good. But sadly there isn't, so it isn't.

I'll have to try and hoist them up as discreetly as possible. Being well raised does have its downsides, you can't mess about with your trousers in public without feeling self concious.

Update!

Don't worry, it all worked out okay. Enough people vacated to create a blindspot.

Jimmy Spinners

2006-09-19T07:23:00.000-07:00

You might not be familiar with the term Jimmy Spinners, I am of course referring to daddy long legs, the most vile of natures creations, even more so than those fuck off insects in Starship Troopers, at least they were badass.

I didn't mean to put two insect related posts back to back, I've not taken entomology up or anything. I just read that the bastards have had a population boom this year due to the weather, swines that they are.

I hate the creepy little fuckers, whenever one gets into the house I use my years of video game playing to create a sequence of events to make them fly out of the window. Playing RPGs and Lemmings will leave you with good lateral thinking.

The reason of this post wasn't just to inform you that the bastards are on the increase but to tell you that a few nights ago I was faced with one of the fuckers and, out of options, I gave the fucker a right hook to the jaw. It was a tremendous feeling. I whole heartedly recommend to give whatever you fear a good fisting, be that tigers or porn stars, you'll come away from the experience a better person and, possibly, with a criminal record.

Float Like A Wasp

2006-09-19T04:47:00.000-07:00

Is there anyway to avoid a wasp flying at your head without looking like a complete berk?

There I was this morning, looking interesting and mysterious as usual (read scruffy and odd smelling, well, that's a kind of mystery isn't it?), when I spot a wasp making a bee line (wasp line surely?) straight for my eyeball.

When a wasp is zooming for your eyeball your immediately presented with options as to how to react to this insectoid threat. I for one never adopt the attitude of 'stand still and it will leave you alone', instead I weave my head like a pro boxer, sadly this leaves the people who were thinking I was all interesting and mysterious in the frame of mind that they were mistaken and I am in fact a mental.

Shame.

Get Off Your High Horse Before I Drop Kick You Off It

2006-09-18T15:58:00.000-07:00

The other day I was walking through town when some meat head took one look at me, in my usual scruffy attire, looked at my Kaiser Chiefs T-Shirt and said 'Kaiser Chiefs are shit'. I was gob smacked, fucking gob smacked, I should have said 'Where's your band nob head?' but as they say, hind sight is twenty twenty.

Now I know people out in internet land will be going 'Well yes, Kaiser Chiefs are shit, they are x number of bands that are better.....', you know what? I fucking well know this. It's a five quid t-shirt I picked up outside a gig, im not Ricky Wilson. Im not one of their fucking roadies, I claim no immense love of them. But if I want to listen to them and like them, that's my god dam fucking right. I personally think Artic Monkeys are a pile of old Artic Monkey shite but I wouldn't say so to someone who said they liked them. Why? Because it's their right to like them.

I don't even know what bands are considered cool these days.*Sigh* It's all so fucking tiring, im sick to death of everyone fucking falling over themselves to prove to others that they have a good taste in music. Myself included.

You have profiles with people saying -

Favourite Music - Oh, allsorts, I've got a really diverse music collection. People resort to these sweeping statements to hide some imagined embarrassing musical taste just to escape the ridicule of people they don't even know, how sad.

It's like, if I said 'I like Kanye West' im sure there'd be people thinking 'Fucking hell, how lame' and so im giving it 'Well, I like all sorts of music...' and at this point I start naming bands I like which im pretty sure other people will agree are cool such as AC/DC, Hendrix, Velvet Underground, The Shins, Public Enemy etc.... Now I do genuinely like these bands but I do also like stuff which other people probably don't like, such as the Chiefs and I end up feeling half bad that I like it, like it's against some cool law and as im thinking myself quite cool I must be going against some fundamental aspect of my character.

Im so frustrated by all this musical superiority bullshit. Im going to go reminisce about the time I went to an Avril Lavigne concert while I try to find someone to go to see the Lemonheads with. Later.

Excellent

2006-09-17T06:36:00.000-07:00

You are Batman

You are dark, love gadgets
and have vowed to help the innocent
not suffer the pain you have endured.

Batman 70%

Spider-Man 70%

Robin 69%

Hulk 65%

Supergirl 62%

Catwoman 60%

Superman 55%

Green Lantern 45%

The Flash 40%

Wonder Woman 37%

Iron Man 35%

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

Changing The Subject

2006-09-13T04:32:00.000-07:00

It's weird the courses kids do at school these days. The other week I'd volunteered (read - been dragged in against my will) to help with enrollment. The usual subjects were there to be entered - English, Maths, Science etc... but some of them were a bit surprising for 16/17 year olds.

One kid had 'Statistics GCSE E', now I thought 'Ah, he must have confused statistics, a lesson he did in Maths with the name of the whole subject', but no, it is an actual GCSE you can do on its own. What a telling sign of a times, when were constantly being assuaged by Politicians and spin doctors with statistics that we've got a new generation coming who have been especially educated in it.

Some of the other subjects I saw included stuff like sociology and psychology (which of course im not people against studying at like degree level but GCSE?), im not even going into the whole thing of P.E now being a something you can get an educational grade in, I know, I know, they study healthy eating and the body but still, seems a bit dodgy.

At the high school where I used to go im informed that all you have to do is English, Maths and Science, the rest you can decide yourself. Back when I was a lad you had to - do a language, do some kind of 'design and technology' and either history or geography. That probably hacks me off more than anything, you now don't have to do either history or geography... what a disgrace.

It's just so typical isn't it? Some teachers are talking with parents -

'The kids don't seem to enjoy doing languages'
'Hmmm, lets not make them do it then'

Mark my words, we'll live to see the day when kids don't have to do English or Maths. Science will go first and then one day some potty MP will pass some stupid law to get the younger demographic voting or some head master who always needs a calculator will decide to ease off and BANG! One more step back down the ladder. It makes me nauseous.

There was one kid I enrolled who had A stars in everything. I was tempted to ask why they were enrolling at a dump like our college but there was management buzzing about and they probably would have thrown a hissy fit.

Quote Of The Week

2006-09-13T04:09:00.000-07:00

K : Urgh! Why do you go to work? That's what lame people do.
WM : I know, that's what I tell my boss all the time.

Putting myself down as quote of the week? What a dick head thing to do. What can I say? I made myself smile.

How Do

2006-09-12T04:22:00.000-07:00

So yeah, im back. I've been back a while now but I've only just got round to putting finger to keyboard. Amsterdam was good, I did pretty touristy things but I had a good time. The place I stayed at this time round was run by Americans which made it quite sureal, hearing all the Amercian twang while having a nice smoke.

Apart from the Americans everyone else obviously spoke something other than English, be it Duth, German or French and I actually miss that now. I wish to god I couldn't understand all the vapid, boring conversations I hear round here. It's ace when people are talking and you can't understand them as you can imagine there talking about something really intellectual and interesting, instead of bragging about how many pints one had the night before or how good x factor was.

It must be said that im a bit of a chunky monkey these days, I think you're officially of the flabby simian variety when you have another spare lard to smother a small child. I could manage a rhino with my belly but fuck it, big is beautiful and im not shaping my body to the ideals of a image obsessed society and all those other arguements ive heard large people on Oprah use.

Aren't customs weird these days? Coming home they were x-raying shoes if they had a 'thick sole'. I saw a lady be asked to take her high heels off but a dude wearing docks was left alone. I don't understand the logic, are terrorists only hiding their weapons inside ladies fashion or something?

I really need to get back to the good old days when I actually had a proper subject to pontificate on. I'll have a suck on one of these hemp lollies (I doubt they do fuck all but who knows?) and get back to you.

Where Are You Going Now!?

2006-09-04T15:40:00.000-07:00

Im knackered from all my inactivity so im going away for a couple of days. I don't blame you my loyal readers for being incensed at my lack of posts but one day I'll return to form (such as it is).

So yeah, im going to spend a few days in Amsterdam, chilling out, relaxing and maxing all cool. I asked my dad if he wanted me to bring anything back, his response? 'Nah, I don't think Hollands got owt I want', he banged that answer out in 5 seconds flat! That's you told Holland. My mum on the other hand wants 800 cigs.

I heard about Steve Irwin earlier today, that is a bummer as I liked the bloke. In all honesty though im not amazed that he got killed, lets face it, he didn't live the safest life did he? Although a sting ray is a bit feeble, I bet old Stevie would have preferred being eaten by a Whale or something of that dramatic nature. Anyways, this ones for you Steve...

Crikey!!!!!

Blocked

2006-09-03T15:44:00.000-07:00

Ah, for fucks sake, thats all I need. Blogspot has now been blocked on my works poxy internet. It winds me to fuck when a website I like gets blocked. I know I can use those by pass sites but they usually have the speed of a turtle thats been knee capped.

There's far too a hardcore attitude to people doing a bit of surfing during work hours. Especially when I see so many fuckers just chatting away. I don't like that many people where I work so that's not always an option.

The whole attitude of 'Wanted Man, it doesn't look very professional when people see you reading Wizard.com' fucks me off because I don't think people seeing these bloaters scratching their arses and shooting the breeze is cracking either.

Hopefully this wont lessen the awesome amount of posts I bang out.

Idle Thoughts

2006-08-30T02:29:00.000-07:00

Im bringing sexy back. What does that even mean? Obviously the Lakes song is shite but what is he actually getting at? Sexy hadn't gone anywhere had it? What a muppet. If I was him I would stick to that Ferrel chap like glue as he is quite cool and some cred would doubtless rub off on me.

I couldn't sleep much last night so I watched the highlights of the Leeds/Reading festival. I know that the Reading festival was bigger than Leeds but of Leeds I only saw Dizzee Rascal (however the nob spells it), the Automatic and Primal Scream. Now the last two are good but the highlights went on for something like two hours, you'd think there'd be a bit more Leeds coverage. Im not sure if im 100% right on my assessment though as I was drinking a two pound ninety nine bottle of wine at the time which was quite rough.

It must be gutting for people who went on Crystal Maze, got locked in at the first zone then didn't get bought out till right at the end. What a waste of an awesome experience. I bet O'Briens house is festooned with crystal he slipped out on the sly. The police should keep tabs on the bloke who made all the rooms as if there was ever a spate of death trap (ala Saw) like murders I would put that bloke right to the top of the list.

I bought a bottle of Rum the other day as a birthday present, I was in a hurry so I just nipped into Co-Op and grabbed a bottle. The check-out bloke was giving me a right look as my solitary bottle of liquor lurched along but you know what, he's only a fucking checkout bloke in Co-Op, he should chill the fuck out. Actually, in retrospect, it probably didn't help that I was all blurry eyed from a cold and it was 1pm on a weekday.

Im not too proud to admit that for a period of time I worked on a checkout. Not a very pleasant experience but I did see all sorts. One time this Chinese guy bought twenty five 3 litre bottles of water. I regret not asking him what he was going to do with all that water.

The Funny Thing Is...

2006-08-23T15:33:00.000-07:00

A few nights I was out in town with some friends when the most foolish of our number was approached by some ladies from a hen night.

Now im not going to knock hen nights because, hey, that would just take forever and I don't really have anything against them in principal, only the execution. I mean, look at your classic stag night, plenty of drinking, some strippers, someone gets tied to a lamp post, possibly a case of hypothermia, you know what im saying? Classy.

So where was I? Oh yes, the foolish friend. Anyway, so the bride to be has this challenge to get a bloke to take off his underwear, now I'll raise my hand and admit that I did egg the bloke on to do it but in my defence I didn't think even he would be so much a fool as to go along with it. But go along with it he did, as was proven when his jeans were pulled down a short time later.

As we were walking onto to another bar, the old foolish friend comes out with the following.

- The funny thing is *pulls the pants out of his jacket pocket* these are my dads pants.

It really was the crowning moment of the night, and yes, I did point out that it was more disturbing/worrying than funny.

Awesome Scrubs Moment

2006-08-23T13:16:00.000-07:00

Im making my way through season five at the mo and the last episode I watched had a moment of greatness I just have to comment on.

Check it out...

A bad ass Transformers mural painted by JD and Turk.

Keep up the good work Scrubs.

Great Potatoes Of Fire

2006-08-15T08:55:00.000-07:00

Jesus Christ! Gave myself a right scare the other day. Banged some potatoes in the old microwave, now I might have left them a big longer than what can be called 'a reasonable amount of time', when I returned the kitchen was full of smoke and the 'wave was a box of flames! I near about shat myself. After a cup of water, some wafting and the opening of doors all was sorted but christ, at the time I was a nervous wreck.

Watching Apocalypse Now today, with the potatoe incident in the front of my mind, I can quite confidently say I wouldn't have lasted long in the Vietnam war.

All through the potatoe fire incident of 2006 the smoke alarms didn't once go off, today while shaving the bastards went off. Obviously fearing the worst I zoomed round the house twice before coming to the conclusion that the bastards were having a laugh at my expense.

Machines In The Toilets

2006-08-15T08:48:00.000-07:00

A follow on from my brief observation with regards to condom machines. The other night I was looking at a condom machine that offered 'studded' condoms. Fucking studded, stud or no I wouldn't want to try one of those bad boys on.

My girlfriend provided the female perspective on this for me. On the same night as the studded sighting my girlfriend told me that in ladies toilet you could buy - sexy knickers, standard knickers, a sanitary pack and, for the price of eight quid a preganancy test kit. But there was no contraceptives to be had. Kinda shows you the priorities of this modern society we live in.

* I like the title of this post, sounds like something Asimov would have written.

Basically, I Went To A Book Signing

2006-08-09T07:20:00.000-07:00

I went to a book signing last night for Irvin Welsh, it was awesome. It was a delight to hear him read from his new book and answer questions, though I couldn't help but find the audience a bit simpering. Sometimes the guy wasn't even being funny and people were laughing.

I can't deny that I was disappointed with the crowd of people that gathered for the signing. I was feverishly looking for a Begby type character, some surly bloke with a bottle of beer in one hand and snooker cue in the other but it was only the usual crowd of intellectuals, pseudo or otherwise.

One thing I'd never seen at a signing before was free booze, there was plenty here. Some people were really going hard on the vino, im not sure if they couldn't handle their drink or were just trying to get their moneys worth from the 3 quid entry ticket.

I hung around till the end, enjoying the atmosphere (and yes, possibly a few drinks) and then got a copy of Trainspotting signed. Old Irvine also agreed to write 'Weekend zanies are such a drag!' in my notebook. I was quite literally, chuffed to bits.

Hey

2006-08-09T02:57:00.000-07:00

Just checking in to let you guys know im not dead. There's no real reason for the lack of posts, I've just been reading quite a bit recently and each days it's been a toss up between reading a few short stories OR doing a post. Needless to say the victorian ghost stories came out on top.

You probably come by this blog to be amused, entertained or informed. Sorry to break it to you but I don't see that happening this time round as im being totally self indulgent and saying hello to some friends of mine that have been over in the big apple.

- Hey guys, welcome back, did you see Jerry Seinfeld? How was central park? *Thinks of other things to ask about New York*... Was it hot? I heard it was hot.

Christ, aren't you glad you're not a friend of mine with inane shite like that coming out of my mouth?

So yeah, im just rambling now. The girlfriends a bit moody at the mo, it's to do with a few things really but boils down to going out with me (can't blame her).

The other day I was in a public toilet, washing my hands and looked at the condom machine and was amazed at the bargains to be had, a 3 pack costs about three pound twenty in Superdrug but you could get two for a pound in the machine! Proper Durex as well. I considered stocking up but then thought against it, might look a bit dodgy if anyone walked in.

I'll do another post in a while about what I got up to last night, that should be semi-interesting. Maybe not. I make no promises.

Are You Jesting?

2006-08-03T16:32:00.000-07:00

Have you seen the posters/trailer for 'snakes on a plane'? What the fuck is that all about? At first I thought it was a joke poster to sell some kind of tat but no, it really is a film. How they've dragged poor Mace Windu into the proceedings god only knows.

I don't even mind shit B-movies, I once sat through Anaconda. It's the sheer lameness of it all that annoys me here although they are probably going for that 'so lame it's cool' thing, but I think they've gone a bit too far.
Knowing my luck this film will turn out to be fantastic and there will be egg all over my face. Just in case im going to suggest an English equivalent.

This could be the actual animal or the STD, either would make for a good film.

Filling Time

2006-07-31T04:55:00.000-07:00

So the other day I went up to my dentist for the yearly check up. I arrived a bit early so was gazing round the waiting room trying to kill time when my eyes landed on possibly the greatest poster of all time - What to do if one of your teeth gets knocked out. Jesus christ! They aren't messing about there, right to the nitty fucking gritty.

Now you'd think the first thing to do upon having a tooth knocked out would be to roll around on the floor and cry wouldn't you? But no, you are in fact supposed to put it in a glass of milk then head for the doctors. Who the fuck carries milk around with them twenty four seven? What cracked me up was how it repeatably kept saying -Do not put in disinfectant- as if people carry round both milk and disinfectant and would be in kind of quandary as to which to dunk their teeth in.

If you don't have milk on you (which I'd think quite likely) then you are supposed to put it in your mouth between your gums and you cheek, which is possibly one of the vilest images I could conjure in my mind, a broken jagged tooth resting in your mouth while it's filling with blood. As you can imagine it didn't put me in the best frame of mind for my check up.

Chav Card #3

2006-07-28T10:16:00.000-07:00

Someone Glass The DJ

2006-07-28T06:11:00.000-07:00

I have a radio alarm clock, it's set to some right obscure station which usually plays shite but that's the way I like it, if I heard good music I'd be inclined to stay in bed. The other day I was awoken by a song that was actually 'alright', interested to know who it is, I swing my legs out of bed and wait patiently for the song to end (instead of just slamming the 'snooze' button). The song finishes and the DJ says 'What a cracking tune. In the news today...', whoa there mate, what's the name of the fucking song? Isn't it like, the law, that the DJ says what the last song was?

Frustrated as fuck I switched the alarm off and turned my computer on. Luckily for that DJ I managed to find the song through googling the lyrics, otherwise I'd have gone round to the DJs house and glassed him. Or, failing that, just thought nasty things about him.

Chav Card #2

2006-07-26T16:02:00.000-07:00

A Verbal Speed Bump

2006-07-26T03:30:00.000-07:00

So im walking into work this morning, see someone im on a 'hello' basis with, this is my first interaction of the day with another human being but it soon goes drastically wrong.

Wanted Man (me) - Morning (said in a 'hello' kind of way)
Random Bloke - What's good about it?

Fuck me that threw my mental processes out of the window. I was tempted to say 'I didn't say good' but thought against it.

WM - Sorry?
RB - What's good about it? Im knackerd.
WM - Oh, right.
RB - See ya later (he walks off)

Does this kind of thing happen to other people or am I just unable to communicate with my fellow man in anything other than total confusion?

Chav Card #1

2006-07-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

Someone sent these along to me at work, they made me laugh so I'll share them with you. Here's the first one (obviously).

Film Four Is Now Free

2006-07-25T03:52:00.000-07:00

Doubtless you're already aware that the film channel Film Four is now free. Which I for one think is pretty fucking cool, although it does annoy me slightly.

About two years ago I used to pay for Film Four, probably had it about three or four months, I loved that whole 'great films you know, great films you don't' idea. In that time I probably watched five films, six tops. I was just way too busy with one thing and another and never put the time aside to do some viewing. The only time I did see anything was when I'd pop in a tape and record a whole nights programming and then watch it back in bits later.

Due to the fact I wasn't getting my moneys worth I stopped paying for it. Even if I was missing out at least it wasn't costing me owt. Now im missing out on the movies and their costing nowt! Oh, how frustrating. Obviously im buying plenty of blank tapes.

* Tangent alert! * Tangent alert! *

It's weird what you can get for free, the other day while walking about I got a free mini deodorant (which was handy because I was getting pretty sweaty) and a free tea bag from the Samaritans (I love the idea of bribing people into staying alive with a cup of tea, mind you, ya can't beat a good cuppa).

Last week I got a free Ice Cream and a can of Coke Zero. While we're on the subject is it just me that thinks this whole Coke Zero thing is the biggest waste of money know to man? It's Diet Coke in a black can, Coke could have paid me far less to just colour all the Diet cans in with a marker pen.

* We are now leaving the tangent! *

So make sure you take advantage of Film Four, these next few days I'll be taping/watching - Explorers, Festival, The African Queen, Wolf Creek and Topaz. Can't go wrong for free.

BB News - Sezer Arrested

2006-07-24T22:51:00.000-07:00

As a rule I don't mention Big Brother but I heard about this last night and I thought I just had to post about it as I hate the prick so much.

Sezer Yurtseven was arrested last night with regards to a date rape claim. What cracks me up about this is that after watching the first episode of Big Brother my sister referred to the bloke as 'the date rapist'. 'Well... he just looks like one doesn't he?' was her reply when asking why she called him that, and after having a look I had to agree.

Oh god, just take a look at him, he's sleaze personified. I'll be posting something else soonish just to get his face a bit further down the blog so people don't have to look at it for too long.

Obviously he's innocent till proven guilty. But I wouldn't put it pass him, awful twat that he is.

First Of The Gang To Die

2006-07-24T04:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, news reached me that someone I used to go to school with had died. Unlike before, this wasn't someone I didn't really know or someone I didn't like. This was someone I knew of and was actually quite fond of, as a result I've been thinking of it since.

For some reason 'little' was always affixed to her name. She was always 'Little S', not because of her actual size, she was about the same height as everyone else, mainly due to her quiet nature. I won't lie, I wasn't close to S. I haven't seen her in at least 15 years. We used to go to the same primary school, it was a small class, five boys and four girls (I don't think you get classes that small any more). I never spoke to her much but I saw her everyday for 3 years and always liked how she never bothered anyone and kept to herself.

Yesterday I was told she'd killed herself. At first I didn't know who my mother was on about but as soon as the basic description was given she came rushing back into my minds eye. She was from a good family, plenty of money, even before I knew what posh was I knew that's what her family was. Not stuck up though, her mother was always friendly and nice to everyone.

I wonder what happened to Little S. Could life really have been that bad? I guess I'll never know.

Im not trying to give any meaningful insight into death, anything I'd say would be a shit cliche or something stolen from a book. I just wanted to say that I remember Little S and I feel a little numb about hearing she's dead.

I've got an old school photo somewhere with all nine of us together, I don't think I'll ever look at it again.

Work Sucks, I Know

2006-07-24T03:22:00.000-07:00

Im in a funny mood today, due to this your getting a bit of a weird post, apologies in advance.

I used to have a great relationship with management, this being that they barely knew I existed so they left me the fuck alone. This is now not the case and every day I hate them a little bit more.

Why can't they leave me the alone? They're obsessed with adding me onto every mundane e-mail making the rounds. I don't want to be involved, I don't want to be a team player. I want to come in, do my bit and then fuck off.

Last week I got an e-mail about cleaning. All about making sure things are spotless and sparkly. From this you might think im a cleaner, I wouldn't blame you, for a second I thought I was as well until I remembered im nothing of the sort. My first inclination was to tell them to e-mail the cleaners, although they probably don't have e-mail, so instead I just ignored it.

Summer is upon us, this is the only quiet time of the year for me. Management are going berserk. 'Why is it so quiet?', 'What can we do to make it less quiet?', these questions and variations upon them are now visited upon me daily. I've tried to explain in several ingenious ways that this is the quiet time of the year, that there is no need to rush out and try and find other forms of revenue, by the time it gets to September it will be busy again. You'd think they let me enjoy the next month and a bit to chill out? No fucking chance, I swear they won't be happy till im as burnt out as them.

I often don't work a full week. Work depresses me so I like to have an extended weekend to make amends to myself for being so dulled out. Im asked questions about coming in on days I don't work. I tell them I don't want to do it and they ask me why. Do I have plans? Does sat reading all day and drinking lemonade count as plans? I think so.
I'd love to tell them that working upsets me so I really need the next day off to relax but I don't think they'd understand.

I've never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. Well, I knew I wanted to be happy. Beyond that not a clue, something involving a lot of reading would be nice.
I don't care about money, obviously I care to a degree but making lots of money isn't that interesting. The only things I want out of life are to learn things and have a good time, everything else is a distraction.

Reports have been written about me. The common theme in them is that I don't seem to care about what im doing. Who could? Some sad bastard in our office sent a letter to us while on his first and possibly only holiday this year. It started with 'Dear team' and contained the usual dross one writes to people whilst on holiday - having good time, nice weather etc...
The only time I'd write a letter to work from a foreign country is if I was never coming back and it would only go on about how much I think they all suck. I'd probably never write it though, who has the energy to waste on something like that?

I should stop rambling on, it's probably a quarter life crisis or something pathetic like that. So I will.

Im Melting! Im Melting!

2006-07-18T23:31:00.000-07:00

Christ alive, how warms it been these last few days? Not that I mind, makes a change from rain but the higher ups at work would wait till a heat wave to ask if I'd wear a tie, it's hard to tactfully tell someone to go fuck themselves when your almost passing out from the heat.

I feel bad for the weather folks, they are quickly running out of ways to say 'sunny', I wouldn't be surprised if the next time I see the weather it starts with 'Well... it's parasol season', they've done it all, pollen counts, warnings about wearing a hat, there isn't that much to say when the weather is consistently nice. I suppose they prefer it when the weather is different all over as you can burn the time up better talking about rain here, snow there and a flood off season.

I've been in training the last two days. It would be such a cliche to say it was a waste of time but fuck it, I don't even know what cliche means. It was a waste of time. The room was like an oven. During this training I'd had a Rocky bar on my person, later when I remembered it I opened the wrapping to see the mere remnants of a chocolate bar, it looked as if it'd been subject to a controlled explosion.

In protest to my fallen snack I farted as passing the staff room, I know, I know, very petty but one must do what one can to strike a blow for workers rights.

One thing I don't like about all this sunny weather is the amount of topless men I've seen about. Not even men that are in particularly good shape, flabby old men with naff tattoos, errrrr, I saw one running for a bus, the jiggling will be the stuff of nightmares for a while. These blokes must have zero knowledge of skin care, pale as chalk and walking in round in the baking sun. I don't wear much sun tan lotion myself but at least I cower in the shadows.

Isn't it weird how dirty feet get in flip flops? The girlfriends been wearing some the last few days, you'd think she worked in a coal mine when you see the underside of her feet. It's not just her either, a lot of ladies at work keep kicking their flip flops off and putting their feet up and they're all black as night.

I've surprised myself with how long I can go on about it being hot, I'll stop while im (somewhat) ahead.

-----

Oh, here's something else about the heat. Am I the only one who is annoyed that 99s now cost one pound twenty? Surely they should now be called 120s. Much the same way that penny sweets should now be called ten pence sweets.

Virgin Comics?

2006-07-18T07:40:00.000-07:00

Did you know that along with Virgin Megastores, Virgin Mobile, Virgin Holidays and all the rest of them, there is now Virgin Comics? Neither did I until about a week ago. I saw something on the net about it and moved on without really thinking about it. Giving it a closer look the other day I can confirm that old Branson has now put his mark on the comics world

Now you'd think old beardy features being involved with comics would bother me. But looking at the projects they've got coming up im quite interested to see their titles. It's not the usual super hero affair and at the very least it might stir up the big names in the industry.

Here's a link to their site, I'll probably bang it in my geeky links as I'll want to keep an eye on it. There's also a free downloadable PDF of the Virgin Comics issue 0, I have a very ''owt for nowt' outlook on life, so I like this immensely.

What do you reckon? Good thing, bad thing? You can't help but wonder where it's going to end for the Virgin franchise. Virgin Condoms? Im sure the irony would be lost on one of those brainstorming groups and just think of the headlines 'Virgin feels a prick', that'd make my day.

Hey, Do You Know Who You Look Like?

2006-07-16T07:40:00.000-07:00

For some reason people always feel the need to tell me who I look like. Almost everyone has their own little theory. Some times im flattered, some times im horrified. Here are a choice few of the comparisons I get, with my own opinion on how close they are.

Do you know who you look like? Prince William

Who says that then? My mum

Do you actually look like him? Not really. Bless me old mum, I can't remember a time when I wasn't compared to Prince William (odds on the next King). I don't think there's much in it as the ladies seem to go mad for him and I don't get anything near as much attention. Shame.

Do you know who you look like? Leonardo Dicaprio (in Gangs of New York)

Who says that then? My dad.

Do you actually look like him? I can kinda see it. Maybe. I don't have the tache or beard going on though. At least it's a comparison from a film where he's quite hard.

Do you know who you look like? James May (The other one from Top Gear)

Who says that then? A friend of mine.

Do you actually look like him? God no. No, no, no. Everywhere I go he's showing people pics of the bloke on his phone and pointing to me. There's not even the slightest resemblance.

Do you know who you look like? Harry Potter

Who says that then? One of the girlfriends friends.

Do you actually look like him? Well, when I've got my glasses on, I suppose if you were far enough away you might for a second think I look like him. I don't really see it myself. Again, like William, I wouldn't really mind as a lot of ladies like him.

Do you know who you look like? David McCabe (lead singer of the Zutons)

Who says that then? One of the girlfriends housemates.

Do you actually look like him? I can see it a bit with his hair and the chin, a lot closer than some of the other comparisons.

Do you know who you look like? David Brand (the mad bloke who does big brother)

Who says that then? Yet another friend (blimey, how popular am I? Not very)

Do you actually look like him? Can't really see it myself. Apparently I talk like him. Don't think so though. I don't mind though as I quite like the bloke.

Do you know who you look like? Pipin (one of those Irish hobbits)

Who says that then? Another of the girlfriends friends.

Do you actually look like him? Slightly. Im a bit taller though and I don't have the furry feet.

And finally... do you know who you look like? 50 Cent

Who says that then? A strange workmate.

Do you actually look like him? This might confuse you a bit but I can see what she's getting at.

------------------

So there you go, now you know some of the people that im compared to on a daily basis. Im sure you were laying awake at night desperate to know.

20 Comments Wednesday

2006-07-12T08:18:00.000-07:00

I've only gone and bloody done it. My numbering went to hell a bit as I went to lunch then forgot where I'd got to, add on the fact that I can't count and there was a slight bit of confusion.

Here below are the twenty, from first to last -

01. Asterisk.
02. Baw Bags.
03. Chase Me Ladies.
04. Anti Craptilist.
05. Ranting Dullard.
06. Dating Monkey.
07. Infinite Muppets.
08. Blogzilla.
09. Casino Avenue.
10. Twenty Major.
11. Planet Potato.
12. Family Guy Freakn’ Blog!.
13. Andrews World.
14. Unite 2006 College Writing.
15. Jude Geeks.
16. Jah Jah Dub.

17. Cape To Rio.
18. Needs To Be Glassed.
19. Shirley The Great.
20. Bluetonium.

A lot harder than you'd think, after the first three of so I was thinking 'Piece of piss, be done in another ten minutes', but I wasn't. The tricky thing is that some blogs don't really have anything you want to comment on. Then there's the finding of the blogs themselves, I don't usually read 20 blogs in a day. Two of them I found by clicking that link in the top right corner saying 'next blog', found some weird and wonderful things doing that.

I don't think I'll be doing it again next week but the weekend after? Possibly.

OMAC - Looking Good

2006-07-12T00:15:00.000-07:00

I think it's impossible to not like the premise of the new comic, OMAC. It's about a heroin addict who transforms into a unstoppable killing machine.

Think Trainspotting meets the Terminator.

Here you can see him blasting one blokes head to bits while gutting another. I think it's safe to say I'll be following this series.

DC, you gone and done it again.

Idle Thoughts

2006-07-11T03:58:00.000-07:00

* You know those devices to scare off cats that blast out really high sonic noise? Well, for the sake of this post just pretend you do. I pass a house on my way to work that has one and I swear to god I can hear it, it drives me fucking mad, both me and the cats cross the street when coming close to it. I've passed it with other people and they tell me im full of shit, they can't hear anything. Has anyone else picked up these high sonic discharges? Could it be that I have super hearing?

* Don't you love it when you don't like someone and they prove themselves to be a total dickhead? There's a lass that looks at me as if I was a piece of shit. The other day she had sex with someone behind a cost cutter while the mong bloke taped it on his phone. She said that it didn't matter as you couldn't see her face. Riiiiight.

* Isn't it weird when you go to party or social function bringing some beer and you get to the point where you've consumed more beer than you brought. At first your thinking 'Fuck it, these beers are mine by right' but at some point it shifts into 'Fuck, if anyone challenges me on the amount of beers I've had I'll exaggerate a bit on how many I brought'.

* So the world cup is over. England didn't win, so no patriotic zeal for me, nor did Portugal, so no pay day either. Bollocks.

* I've been on the internet for years and years and for the first time ever I've started getting e-mails advertising medication and treatments to increase the size of my cock. Crazy, I feel like I've become a part of mainstream society. To be honest, I like getting them as the subject headings are usually hilarious, my favourite so far as has to be 'erectile solutions', sounds like some huge international conglomerate. 'Have you seen the latest fax from erectile solutions?', oh, how I'd laugh.

Yarr! A Pie-rat Review

2006-07-10T07:54:00.000-07:00

I've done another awesome review for six lines (i'll be knocking a link in the links section sharpish). This time round - Jack Sparrow 2.

Will it shiver your timbers? Find out here.

Kindness Gone Unrewarded

2006-07-10T03:07:00.000-07:00

It's weird how things come back to you. Sometimes something from years ago that seemed so trivial can just pop right back into your brain leaving you with a 'Fuck me, I'd forgotten about that' state of mind. I wonder how much stuff is never remembered.

This morning something came back to me from probably three years ago, could have been longer ago though. I'd gone out clubbing (I know, I know but there wasn't much else to do), I wasn't having that good a time, as what usually happens when I go to a club - I end up feeling totally alien from everyone else. Not that it's necessarily anyones fault but my own, everyone else was dressed quite smart and I was in my usual scruffy attire, I was wearing a Bluntman and Chronic t-shirt for christsakes.

Anyways, there I was stood on the edge of the dance floor, looking awkward and feeling more so when a girl came over and asked if I wanted to dance. I can't tell you what she looked like, only a vague images comes to mind but I remember she smiled quite a bit. I said sure, I mean, what else are you going to say?

Now I dance like im having a fit, but she didn't comment on it and said nice things which I can't now remember. I remember though that they made me feel good. As a song ended a friend came over, something had happened I think, or possibly everyone was just going, anyway without saying a word I followed them out of the club without a backward glance.

It was an especially shit thing I did then. I didn't know the girls name, I didn't even say thank you or goodbye. I don't know why but that came back to me this morning and I felt like an utter dickhead. She raised my morale at a time when it was at a low and showed genuine human kindness and her reward was nothing, less than nothing.

I know the chances of her every reading this are next to nothing but I'd just like to say -

Thank you and im sorry.

Wonder Woman Is An OAP

2006-07-06T04:01:00.000-07:00

Picked this up from Wizards website. Wonder Woman is now 65 years of age.

What d'ya reckon? The most shaggable pensioner alive? Well... if she was real that is.

* Im a bit late on this, so if you've heard this already well whoopdy do, check you out. Apologies also for missing out on Canada day (they're now 139 I think) and the 4th of July for the Americans (not sure how old they are but they bought a lot of fireworks).

Water You On About

2006-07-04T09:19:00.000-07:00

Bottled water is a weird thing, like, you couldn't have sold it in the fifties could you? People would have told you to go fuck yourself for trying to sell them water, they pay for it to come out of their taps, they're not going to pay for it again. Saying that though I do quite like bottled water from time to time, not in a wankerish 'Check me out i've got Evian' sort of way, just the 'Im quite parched and I like water' way.

When I have water I usually keep hold of the bottle and fill it up to use again. It's weird though because when I've been drinking said bottled tap water sometimes people ask for a bit and im usually given the question (because they know of my tap filling activities) 'Is this tap water or proper water?'. Now that's a fucking weird question, one that's never been asked in any previous age of man. Really, it's all the same isn't it? There's only so much water in the world, sometimes it's clouds, other times it's rain/snow but it's all the same water that's been around for millions of years.

Now back when I used to drink pop or soda (depending on your respective side of the old Atlantic pond), I used to do the same thing, like after drinking a bottle of Coke, I'd fill it up with more Coke from home, be it Pepsi, Dr.Pepper or no frills Coke (im a cheap bastard me). As long as it was the right colour I wasn't too fussy. Many were the day though when I'd fill say a Coke bottle with Fanta and only later realise my mistake, any cunt would see a mile away that it was a refilled bottle. Now I know that's terribly stupid and vain of me, whats more though is that I never did the refilling thing to be cheap, well, it wasn't the main reason but I hated the idea of people thinking that im trying to be cheap when I just want some pop/soda to hand.

I have a nagging feeling this post is going to be, like so many others, totally devoid of any kind of point or purpose... oh well.

Should I Hit This Kid With My Cricket Bat? The Moral Crisis

2006-07-04T04:28:00.000-07:00

Last night I was buying a cricket bat, not for myself, as some of you may have gathered im not exactly the sporty type. I was buying said cricket bat for a friend of a friend as a gift, I was looking through the bats looking for one that would be the right size for the dude, trying to gauge it was harder than I thought.

So the scenes set, im looking through cricket bats in a sports shop minding my own business. Nearby in the golf section these two nippers are causing bedlam, knocking over clubs, generally being a fucking nuisance while their dads in fucking la la land trying to get himself a discount Beckham shirt.

I think i've got the bat I want, i've got it by the handle and am reasonably sure it should be right, meanwhile these two little swines have drifted over in my direction, one of them grabs a random bat and runs off swinging it about, the other one grabs for the one in my hand, the actual one im holding by the handle that i've been looking at for the last ten minutes. I says to him 'Sorry little man, I want this one', he grabs for another bat and actually holds it in a manner as to smack me with it and with an expression on his face to back it up. Things have suddenly taken an unexpected turn.

I've not yet said how small this kid is, he's about a third my size so it kinda seems funny in a weird way but I was stumped as to what to do next. I could easily jab the kid in the stomach with the bat i've got, the shite would have crumpled up like a bad suit. But it wouldn't exactly look good would it, battering some 9 year old with a cricket bat is the kind of thing that follows you around, so I honestly had no idea what to do. I decided on doing the same and lifted the bat up in a semi-threatening manner, in doing so it's at the level of his head. The kid must have had a rudimentary grasp of logic as he drops the bat and runs off.

I've banged on about how bad kids are before but for fuck sakes this is a new low. Im having to defend myself in a shop against a lone 9 year old! What's worse is that the law is totally on my attackers side. If he had flung the bat and split my head open the Police wouldn't have touched him whereas if I left so much as a slight bruise on him I'd probably have ended up doing two years, god help me if the neighbours found out about it, they'd most likely burn my house down.

I know it's a little thing and nothing really happened but it got me thinking how quickly you can get into deep shit through no fault of your own and how fucked up some of these kids are. You don't need that shit on a Monday afternoon. To be honest if he'd hit me I think I would have hit him back, sometimes you have to stand up for yourself regardless but god knows what would have happened next.

Summer Tunes

2006-07-04T03:05:00.000-07:00

Christ alive! A heat wave warning!? Is it me or is this a country of weather extremes? We're either being flooded, frozen to death or boiled alive, I wouldn't really mind any of 'em as long as the weather would stick to it. But fuck it, I don't want to be negative, it's summer!!!!
So, obviously the first thing you think is - Time to make a summer mix tape/CD/list type thing to chill out to. So what makes the cut? Well read on to see my top 10 tunes for a summer mix CD -

*I might get the titles slightly off but if you know the song you'll know what im on about

1 - Summer Time - Will Smith

Pure classic, what a way to get into the mood for some maxin relaxin.

2 - Get What You Give - New Radicals

Oh, we're taking it up a notch with this smash hit. Faced paced and awesome, I miss Greg Alexander.

3 - Waiting For The Man - Velvet Underground

Time to go old school with this gem, a foot tapper to be sure.

4 - Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood - The Animals

A fucking belting tune, it's a crime this song isn't better known.

5 - In The Garage - Weezer

One of my favorite bands with one of my favorite songs, I always end up singing along to it. The fact that it mentions Kitty Pryde and Nightcrawler is the cherry on the cake.

6 - A Boy Named Sue - Johnny Cash

'My name is Sue! How do you do!? Now you gonna die!'

7 - Hotel Yorba - The White Stripes

Jack White on top form with this cracker.

8 - Motor Cycle Emptiness - Manic Street Preachers

We're slowing the pace a little with this beauty. Does anybody not love this song?

9 - The Fake Sound Of Progress - Lost Prophets

I like the prophets, I've always preferred the first album over the later stuff and this song is a treat to shake your head to.

10 - The Wind Cries Mary - Jimi Hendrix

We're going out with some 24 carrat gold. Hendrix was the fucking man and this tune always blows me away.

Now it's fair to say that if I did this tomorrow it would contain totally different songs but right this second that's the tunes I'd like to hear. I've missed off some fucking awesome tunes I know but with only ten you're forced to make some hard choices.

What would you have?

Am Back So's I Am

2006-07-03T03:11:00.000-07:00

Wahay, im back! Did you miss me? Even a little bit? C'mon, I know deep down ya glad im back, and if not... well, fuck ye, im glad and that's what counts. Don't get me wrong, I loved Scotland, loved it. I had loads of fun and drank plenty of Tennants but it's nice to be back. As promised I've brought back Shortbread, as for hilarious stories... well, im a bit short in that department (short! ha, d'ya get it? shortbread? Funny no? No), I sat on a cow at one point but it was made of plastic so I suppose it doesn't count.

The hostel me and the girlfriend stayed at was nice, although there was a bastard of a time getting a shower in the morning. Still, ten times better than a fucking travel lodge or one of those drab fucking affairs, the hang out of business men who are one more seminar away from hanging themselves or families with two point four children who you can see wish to fuck they had a point or two less. Sorry about that, tangent or what?

I started reading Trainspotting on the train up to get me in the Scotch mood and it did just that, fucking cracking book. Although truth to tell I met more Italians, Poles and Canadians in Scotland than Scottish people, the first person I talked to with a Scottish accent was a homeless person, make of that what you will, if there's anything to make of it at all. I tried to be a low key tourist, as the loud mouth Americans and videotaping obsessed Japanese roamed about the streets. I know, I know, stereotypes but im only telling you what I saw.

It must be hard for the Scottish people that have to smile and be polite as tourists piss themselves at tartan, kilts and all that makes up their culture. I suppose they have the last laugh as they fleece them for as much money as possible but it still must sting a bit.

Sat in a pub surrounded by big Scottish lads as I watched the England game, that was an experience, I'll keep it for another post so as to not bore the shite out of people who've had their fill of world cup crap. I will say this though, funny as fuck.

In one bar I accidentally bumped into this French guy, said sorry immediately even though it was more the packed nature of the pub which caused us to collide than anything else. Now I know the fucker could speak English as I heard him ordering at the bar, what's he say though? Something in French, luckily for me the girlfriend speaks French so I ask her what he said, it was the French equivalent of 'cunt', so I shouted 'Yeah, you're a cunt an all mate', he didn't like that, the cowardly shite that he was.

Heading back we got to the train station just as the heavens opened, thought us lucky there but then thought again when faced with an hour delay. On top of that the fucker broke down the stop before Newcastle so I had to wait for the next one, which as you can guess was packed solid. When I finally got back it was pissing it down and got soaked for the first time that weekend, weird.

Getting on a bus that was headed for home some weirdos got on a caused a right fuss, pissed as fuck they were and going on about the lightning and god knows what else. It then struck me (not the lightning) that the city I live in has more weirdos than any other place on Earth, or more than the few places I've been.

So, as I say, I had a topping time... anything happened while I was away?

Im Off To Bony Scotland

2006-06-28T22:24:00.000-07:00

Yes dear readers , im off for the next few days to the land of the deep fried mars bar. I've never been to Scotland before so it should be interesting, my only background knowledge is Braveheart, the Scottish James Bond and Rab C Nesbitt.

I once saw a beauty interview with Sean Connery, he was opening some museum or something in Scotland and was wearing the full Scottish gear, kilt and all that. This reporter got chatting to him and Sean said something along the lines of 'Oh, I love Scotland me, it's my heritage ya know etc..' the reporter then asked 'Why don't you live in Scotland then?', Seans response? 'Why don't you fuck off'. Genius.

So yeah, i'll be like those people in those adverts 'discovering' Scotland, well, the drinking bit anyway. Im sure upon my return i'll have plenty of hilarious stories and shortbread.

In a bit.

Quote Of The Week

2006-06-28T04:22:00.000-07:00

Some things should happen on soft pages, not cold metal.
- Harper Lee

I lifted this from a letter recently written by Lee, something I spied on BBC news, for the full thing go here.

World Cup Update - Kinda

2006-06-28T03:53:00.000-07:00

Yes! The team that I've got a small amount of money riding on, Portugal, are through to the last eight! However, they next play England. Where do my loyalties lie? With my money or with my country? Hmmm... tricky.

Lord Of The Rings : The Third Release

2006-06-26T05:28:00.000-07:00

This is a little bit old but for those who don't know, Lord of the Rings is to be released for the third time. This boxset you see to your right was the last release with each film having four discs, which means twelve discs in total.

Now you'd think that would be sufficient wouldn't you? There can't be anything left to see surely. Well, as a great man once said 'Don't call me Shirley'. Now I only bought the fillums the first time round so im not that irked about this but I bet the hardcore fans are annoyed that their ultimate editions aren't all that ultimate.

Maybe im wrong, maybe the fans will be chuffed to bits at the chance to see new material and I must admit that the new box art does look pretty good but I can't help but get the feeling that we're being taken for a ride (over middle Earth).

I once met Elijah Wood, as I've said before, small bloke he is, those scenes where he looks tiny next to Gandalf, there was no special effects needed.

Eyes Wide Shut

2006-06-26T03:38:00.000-07:00

Just had a candidate in, sat 'em down, told them where to sign etc.... to which they yelp 'Pen!!?', in a tone which says 'You haven't give me a pen you fucking mong'. Now I would have loved to have replied with 'Dickhead!!?' in a tone which says 'It's right in front of you dickhead, open your fucking eyes' but alas I couldn't and instead just nodded my head to indicate it was right in front of them.

I wish I could jab some fuckers in the eye three stooges style.

Cool Robot Videos

2006-06-26T01:16:00.000-07:00

Im over the moon at the news that there is going to be a new Transformers Movie with top notch CGI, to celebrate and to make your Monday morning a bit more interesting check out this link. One video features an Optimus transformation from truck to bot and the second involves a photocopier getting its own back (only robots could make a paper advert interesting). I know this is the same sort of thing as that car advert where it skates on the lake but it's cool none the less.

Noel Edmonds Wanking Has Been Put On Hold

2006-06-25T11:59:00.000-07:00

Oh I was chuffed to hear this gem. Noel Edmonds has gotten repetitive strain injury (RSI) from lifting that gigantic phone of his on every episode of deal or no deal. Why does it have to be that fucking big? In this day and age with phone tech you can get a phone with the physical dimensions of a cream cracker but Noel opts for one which could be used for the clubbing of baby seals (im not one to shy away from tough topics, or make sense).

So why the gigantic phone? Well, it could very well be that someone on the show holds a grudge against old crinkly bottom and has purposefully given him that phone to get their own back. Failing that it could be that Noel injured his arm during some weird sex act, im not sure. What do you reckon happened?

* I was going to try and work in 'grab a grand' somewhere but with how rich he is it wouldn't have really worked. Ah well, there's always next time.

The Latest Banksy

2006-06-23T03:42:00.000-07:00

So, what do you reckon of the lastest Banksy? Im the sort of cunt who says 'I don't know art but I know what I like', no out loud obviously, im not that big a cunt. With this in mind I must say I like it, a bit hazy about the whole art argument though. Apparently the local council are having a mass debate on wether it's art or graffiti, if it's decided that it's graffiti it'll get scrubbed off. Shame.

Help Screech!

2006-06-23T03:21:00.000-07:00

Lets have some topical news shall we? Dustin Diamond, the star of hit show Saved By The Bell is in danger of losing his house! There must be plenty of Screech fans out there so if you want to help the guy check out his site. He's selling t-shirts in the hope of raising the necessary funds.

This would make for a good episode of SBTB, Screech in trouble and the gang coming to his aid, old Screech would probably have to end up living at Mr.Beldings with HILARIOUS results.

Zoinks!

Marvel Zombies - Awesome!

2006-06-21T13:35:00.000-07:00

Fucking hell! It's Magneto and hes gone and decapitated Hawkeye with Captain Americas shield! And this is only the first issue!
Marvel Zombies - violent and good.

The Benchwarmers = Belly Laughs

2006-06-21T13:04:00.000-07:00

This film only got half a star in the local paper, well fuck that shit, this film is hilarious. Check it out! You've got Napoleon Dynamite, Deuce Bigalow and Joe Dirt teaming up!

Its even got a robot butler type thing in it, this was the major detractor for some people in Rocky 4 but not here, no siree, expertley used although slightly creepy.

The plot? *sigh* Well it's about three awkward guys who never got the chance to play baseball as kids, so now grown up, thanks to the help of a billionaire play loads of junior teams which along the way inspire geeky/bullied kids.

As you may have guessed this film is no Schindler's List, it's a bunch of guys having fun and I for one could definatley do with a few more of these kinda films.

David Spade should make a film every year, the guys hilarious.

No Pics

2006-06-21T13:01:00.000-07:00

There haven't been many pics in my posts recently due to the computers at work being all spunked up. Just in case you'd noticed, well, that's why.

Word Cup Review By A Bloke Who Knows Nearly Nothing About Football

2006-06-21T02:55:00.000-07:00

So far so boring as far as England is concerned. When looking at the highlights (such as they were) from last nights game someone said to me 'That last goal by Sweden was shit', my response? 'Yeah well, it was a shit goal that we let in'.

I saw Italy vs USA, that was a cracking game, I hope the yanks go through now just to piss loads of people off.

The other day I saw a house adorned with a Ghana flag, chuffed to bits I was, about time I saw something other than an England flag. I might have already said this but I'll say it again - I realy don't like those England flags that actuall say 'England' on them. What's the point? Have the flag makers put that on just in case mongs buy a Japanese flag by accident or something?

Whoo! My team in the work thing, Portugal, are through to the second round for the first time in 40 years! I'll take this as a good omen.

The Wanted Man Goes To A Gig * Shocker *

2006-06-20T04:41:00.000-07:00

Yep, you read that right, I actually got off my arse this weekend, moreover I actually did something. I went to Manchester and saw an awesome gig, for your reading pleasure (I live in hope) I'll give you a brief rundown of what happened.

Went up with some friends (no, they're not imaginary). Got there as the Subways were playing, great band, gave their album quite a few listens last year. The lead singer actually did gig type things, crowd surfing, climbing the scaffolds surrounding the stage, rugby tackling the drummer etc...

Next band on were Angels and Airwaves (keep saying airways by mistake), not liking this new serious Tom DeLong, I preferred the days when he smiled every now and then. What got me the most was that while talking to a crowd that had been drinking for the better part of the day, having a good time, he starts going on about 9/11 and the Iraq war. The wrong place at the wrong time mate. Not too fond of the music either, not bad as background music but it all sounds like Blink-182 b-sides.

Who was next you ask? Well I'll fucking tell you. The Strokes, rocked my boat so they did. What I love about gigs is seeing the effect songs you like have on other fans and it really was a treat seeing people jump about and play air guitar solos when the Strokes did their thang. My feet were a tapping.

Who finished the gig off? Who were the headliners!!? Jesus, calm down, im just about to get to that. It was the Foo Fighters so it was, old Davey and his band were great. A slight complaint I would make is that they weren't on that long, considering how many top tunes they've got. What they did play was great though, Grohl swapped over drumming duties so the lad could rock out a song and that was good also. They finished off with some purty cool fireworks which I liked, which is odd for me as I usually find that kinda thing too gimicky.

Yes the rain pissed me off a bit, yes I did think that the bangers and mash stall running out of yorkshire puddings was a disgrace and yes I do think twenty quid for a t-shirt is a bit much but overall my world was rocked.

Eeee, you shoulda seen the B&B I stayed at, felt like I was in a seventies sitcom. Nice though.